[D1RT]

hmm.. what would make america a better place?

...A PAULY SHORE REALITY SHOW.

watching pauly shore's reality is like watching pauly shore's movies...

pointless and similar to suffocating.

but thats america.. even complete and total crap can stand on a soapbox and scream "yea buuuuuuuuuuuddy"

when pondering the question, "what makes me so american?", i felt it was time to dig into the pre-ISSF archives and pull out something of (gasp) relevance.

-i eat crabs. i boil them alive while they scream and flip around. then i eat their insides... when i'm finished with the insides, i take the shells, gather them all up and piss on them. because i'm done with them.

-i know more jokes about your culture than you do. i stereotypically look down on you because of my perception of you... unless you're a girl.. then you exist primarily to suck my cock, cook my dinner, and make my children...children which i will not pay for after i cheat on you with your sister... even after that fat check from Springer.

-i drink coffee products that cost more than a happy meal. a happy meal that could probably feed 3 kids.... and entertain one for hours with the toy that comes with it... but since i'm american, i'd take the toy out and sell it on ebay before i give them the food..

-i listen to shitty political bands like rage against the machine, and think that i'm taking some sort of stand on something by doing this... you know rage... the band that "stormed" wall street and shut it down for 3 minutes to protest capitalism, and our lack of generosity.... yeah... then they played the music awards and broke thousands of dollars worth of gear after the weak performance of their weak single.... not contradicting .... REVOLUTIONARY!

-i pay DAMN NEAR 20 dollars PER PERSON to go see a bunch of shitty actors in a shitty movie and eat some seriously shitty popcorn. a movie written by left wing steak eating whiners starring people that are paid too much to be spending their time whining about the government and not enough time curing disease... not that i have disease... i have health care.... im a white american.

-i smoke over a pack a day. where do all the butts go, you ask? why, on the ground of course! the big trash can... and just to stay genuine, i also chuck the empty pack on the ground too. preferably as close to a trash can as possible, without actually putting it in the can.

-im sitting here watching this fucking whacko with a rotisserre oven cook all sorts of crap. if there are 5 easy payments, you're in america.... but if you act now, we'll take one of those payments and fuck it up the ass! anal sex? easy payments? america.

-i think french people are pussies. i hate their accents, and whenever possible i babble some innuendo about how they smell funny. i rename everything french, into american... like an american tickler, american dressing, american doors... one time i ordered an american martini at the bar.... i got a dead hooker, syphillis and a crack pipe in a martini glass... needless to say... i didnt tip.... cuz i dont believe in tipping... cuz i'm american.

-i speak loudly on my cell phone... i talk about stuff and rephrase it to make myself sound important in public.. "well just tell my 9 oclock that ill have to reschedule with my secretary, and tell the rest of the boys down at the office to handle the "tissues" account"..........meanwhile my friends talking to me like, "ummmmm... am i to understand that you want me to tell big jay that you cant drink tonite untill you reschedule it with your mother, and tell the boys at The Pearl to get you an eightball?"

-i'm constantly looking for reasons to sue somebody and become rich. i would spill coffee on myself, but that coffee cost 95 cents and i'm american... and i want coffee. so it better be hot.

-i gamble on everything... one time i bet these friends of mine that i could make this really dorky girl in our school into the prom queen... i ended up falling in love with her and just recently murdered her and put her through a wood chipper in the snow.... my dog seemed to think it was a good idea..... or i fell asleep with HBO on again last night... i cant remember, i was on a bunch of anti depressants and valium... none of which were prescribed...HBO costs like 15 bucks a month... i can afford it.. im american.

-i drink budweiser

Posted by dirt at July 19, 2005 02:52 AM