dirt
(1981-2005)
SEPTEMBER 6, 2005
the asshole conglomerate of america suffered a terrible loss this morning, when one of it's 5 star members was found dead of a self-inflicited shotgun blast to the cranium, topped off with the ever-popular drug overdose.. a deadly combination of oxycontin and energy drinks, dubbed the name "white trash speedball" by the deceased, was found swimming through his veins and is assumed to have made his passing painless, though somewhat itchy.. a note was found on the futon he passed away on, however, instead of containing the reasons he had to take his own life, it is merely a review of Deion Sanders' new "lean mean hot dog grilling machine"... of which he praises as an "unbelievable steal" at $19.99 plus shipping.
he had become reclusive in his final years, watching the same two episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force 3 times a day on adult swim and smoking 2 packs of newports between 3 hour naps.. waking up only to send text messages to former friends in what seems to be some primitive version of Swahili...
"we all knew it would happen someday, all-in-all i'm glad he didn't choose to do it on my lawn... i think the homeowner is responsible for cleaning that up... does anyone know if that's true? i think i saw it on law and order..." said one of his aquaintences, struggling to hold back tears.
"didn't he work at guitar center or something?" said another mourner, too stricken with grief to say anything more..
he is survived only by his pointless and totally ridiculous cat, Bo, who when asked to comment, only made odd clicking noises and brushed his asshole against our cameraman's leg.
services will be held at The Pearl in Somers Point, NJ by Rev. Scott Molinari and Deacon Tom McKeever.. following the service will be a set by some shitty local band, which will certainly make his final rememberance as cruel of a joke as his existance was...
he will be deeply missed by a wide array of bartenders and drug dealers all over the jersey shore and his memory will be forever honored by a charitable donation in his name to "The Human Fund".
finally, in death as well as in life, he was no Nate Fisher.
Posted by dirt at September 6, 2005 03:54 AM