FUCK BAR SONGS
who the FUCK came up with the idea that when someone puts on "sweet caroline" by Neil Diamond in a bar, it's instinctively necesarry to sing the refrain in the loudest, drunkest, most obnoxious tone ever? LEARN THE OTHER FUCKING WORDS TO THE SONG. no one seems to know a single lyric from that song except, "sweet caroline, BAH BAH BAH". SHUT THE FUCK UP. now, i love neil diamond in a heterosexual, yet curious way. but the drunk retards in somers point have ruined that song. you dont hear anyone singing the words to "she got the way to move me" or even collectively humming the keyboard solo.
along the same lines, i must also point out both "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet, which are actually the only two songs he's ever written or recorded ever. I am forced to think that's true because those are the only two songs ive ever fucking heard from the man. who the FUCK drinks margaritas on a constant basis? no one. i would shit my pants if i drank more than one margarita, or even 1/4 of the amount of margaritas it would require to colonize an entire city of magaritas. yes jim, there is a woman to blame..... for your career. also for the need of a frozen mixed lime drink.
jack johnson has however written more than the popular bar anthemn that i am forced to think is titled "bah bah da bah bah bah bah dah". (thats all that smug little faggot says in that song, so it must be the title.) but strangely, every song sounds the same. his voice sounds like he just got over the flu. and by "the flu" i mean "fucking a guy." i hate you jack johnson, and i hate everyone who wastes 50 cents to play his song in a bar and thereby rape my ears with a fallic-shaped turd.
seriously, if you listen to jack johnson youre a fucking woman. if youre a man and you admit to listening to jack johnson, youre a faggot that needs to move to NYC with the rest of the transexual folk singers.
i guess all you really need to write a horrible bar song is..
1) monosyllabic words that have no meaning
2) brightly colored shirts
3) no musical talent
4) a typical drunk-cunt female to listen to it with a retarded, talentless boyfriend that can try to sing it to her.
NEXT WEEK, PART II,
FUCK WORLD RELIGIONS.
Posted by dirt at February 8, 2006 01:51 PMbravo! Although I do dig the new Neil Diamond song that's out there...and his package is hawt - I mean, not gay.
Posted by: shftleft at February 8, 2006 11:30 PM