"I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can."
On Newsweek: "The cover story this week is this fluff piece on Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, something about a nuclear weapons program. But my story is featured right up here in what we news biz insiders call the 'golden corner.'"
On the President's energy policy: "Turns out, not everyone understood the President's pledge [to cure America's dependence on foreign oil! -Ed.], so on Wednesday, the Department of Energy cleared it all up: 'Both his energy secretary and national economic advisor said the President did not mean it literally.' Of course he didn't. Any poet will tell you words like the President's are the sugar-spun stuff of dreams. Bush is a political William Carlos Williams."
On Apple: "Actually, I'm considering a lawsuit over the video iPod. Nowhere does it say I shouldn't duct tape the player to the bill of a baseball cap so I can watch Toby Keith videos while I'm driving. Apple, this is irresponsible, but I'm willing to settle out of court."
On Stephen's Famous Five-Meat Chili: "We all know the classic recipe: beef, pork, lamb, mild sausage, and hot sausage - but I'm a risk taker. I say once you've met your core requirements of beef, pork, and lamb, dream big! How about ostrich and venison? I've gone that way. It had a sort of Ted Nugent-Mel Gibson vibe."
On his Super Bowl pick: "Gotta be honest, I've always had a problem with Seattle. Not that it doesn't have guts. It's sandwiched dangerously between two Canadas: Canada-Canada and Oregon -- California's Canada. Save your letters, Oregon. I don't read anything written on birch bark. But I lost a bundle on a Seattle-based web startup back before the bust. My lawyers aren't done with you, e-mandolin.com!"
On New York's Eighth District: "In pop culture, it's where The Honeymooners honeymooned, The Warriors warriored, the Friends befriended, and Law and Order's Special Victims Unit still special-victims-units to this day."
On the State of the Union Address: "Hope you caught the State of the Union Address last night. Big success for the President. I listened to it live during the show on my earpiece. Then, later, I watched it on TiVo, and then I downloaded it to my iPod and listened to it this morning while I read it to the paper."
On the American Worker: "Tonight we present a Colbert Report Special Report: 'The American Worker: A Hero's Salute to the Besieged Heroes of the American Jobscape." Tonight, we celebrate the backbone of this country. We honor the big shoulders that hold America aloft in our global chickenfight. Those shoulders belong to you, the working men and now, for better or worse, women."
To the American Worker: "I have written a poem to commemorate your sacrifice called 'Poem for the American Worker.' Arise! / Ye sinewy titans of the rivet-strewn factory floor! / Arise, and accept your present circumstances. // Ye whose bulging backs bear the ballast of the American Dream, / Unite until it is no longer convenient. // Raise thy fist to the skies / Then lower it / Then raise it again, / In a smooth continuous motion. // And shake loose thy chains! / But only if thou workst in a chain factory / Which you probably don't. // For yea, brothers / Only together can we maintain or increase our daily productivity."
On the State of the Union Address: "I've just got to hear it. The State of the Union Address is my Super Bowl, March Madness, and World Ice Dancing Championship rolled into one."
On the Academy Awards: "I think there should be a new rule for the acting categories. If you change your appearance and put on more than ten pounds of prosthetics, you're automatically rewarded with a nomination. That goes for Jim Carrey in 'The Grinch,' Mike Myers in 'The Cat in the Hat,' and Steven Seagal in 'Black Dawn.'"
On Alito's confirmation: "After a contentious debate on the Senate floor and months of fiery rhetoric, Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. All you need to know? Stock up on Trojans."
On Nightline's use of 'truthiness': "You know what was missing from that piece? Me. Stephen Colbert. But I'm not surprised. Nightline's on opposite me over on ABC. Same timeslot. We destroy them in the ratings -- I don't have numbers to support that, I just feel that it's true. So they play dirty, stealing content from my show."
On James Frey: "I respect him for making up his past. Shows character. Too many people just let their past happen to them. It's part of the culture of victimization -- 'Oooh, I had no control over the circumstances of my birth.' But when you decide to have had a difficult childhood, that -- that is really owning your past."
On crocodiles' two-legged ancestor: "Well, Darwin-lutionists, looks like that blows another hole in your evolution theory. I thought everything was supposed to evolve from apes. Now you're saying things evolved from crocodiles? Which is it?!"
On Alberto Gonzalez's claim that every president has authorized wiretapping: "Those are precious state secrets! Nobody's supposed to know about George Washington's covert electronic surveillance program. Shhhh! I just pray he doesn't start yakking about the secret cryochamber that General Grant stored Lincoln in. We will find a cure for 'shot in head.'"
On a pressing issue: "I was looking at Time Magazine the other day. I don't read Time usually, just 'Man of the Year' and the annual 'Was Jesus Real' issue. But this caught my eye: 'Is America Flunking Science?' Well of course we are, now. Of course, back in the 80s, teenagers were actually using computers to create women in their bedrooms."
On Pennsylvania's Second District: "There's also the Philadelphia Museum of Art, whose stairs were made famous in the movie 'Rocky.' The museum displayed a commemorative statue of Rocky until it was removed in 1990. Unlike those in charge of the actual movie franchise, the Philadelphia Museum of Art knew when to quit."Posted by dirt at February 10, 2006 12:42 PM