[D1RT]

bayfest & its impending drama/black eyes/crab flavored vomit

to me, bayfest, like all other joint afternoon drinking ventures, stands for a varitable cornacopia of people all pretty much doing the same thing...

being a total douche bag.

...but hiding it with a booze-fueled "DUDE whats up man i havent seen you in so long, how are you? oh yea i'm great, i'm working up in blahtown doing blah blah puke." demeanor.

everyone is guilty of these offenses.

i know i'm not the only person that, when faced with unpleasant encounters with idiots i didnt really even want to see in high school, tends to handle it with a cordial greeting directly followed with a "jesus christ i hate that retard" remark afterwards.

...it's not that i don't want to tell a retard that they're a retard... it's more like, i would tell you but every word i have to exhange with you makes me want to claw my eyeballs out of my face more than i allready do for showing up to this dumbshit festival every year. so normally, i try to keep the words to a minimum and be polite.

on the same thought, i swear to god, if i see my neighbor this year and he fucking starts talking to me again about bavarian creme donuts and how they're the only "true" donuts or whatever the fuck he was saying last year, i'm going to snap. I LIVE VERY FEW HOSUES AWAY FROM YOU. every year he manages to corner me for like 15 minutes and we discuss a new and completely irrelevant topic... like fruit bats...

or trampolines.

...how i learned to white water raft.

so heres my itinerary for tomorrow (it's the same every year)

8:00 pm - (the night before) talk about how i'm not going to bayfest this year. how i hate it. how i will not be seen there... how i dont even like to drink during the day.
10:00am - (bayfest day) pre-game! or whatever the new trendy word is for get drunk before you go get drunk.. (i always felt the most accurate term for it was "econo-sizing" .. as it's far more economical to get drunk at home before you go to the bar).
11:00am - i start feeling the effects of the EMB. (early morning boozin)
12:00pm - arrive at Bayfest and knock down the first rack of crafts i lay my eyes on, almost tasting the sweet tears of the children crying at the splintered wooden lighthouses and seashells.
12:02pm - feel bad for making the korean girl that was working the table cry. also, somewhat less for making the kid cry. will honestly do my best to not be an asshole anymore.
12:05pm - mock fat girl with "juicy" written on the ass of her jeans. whats with that anyway?
12:10pm - tell femminine male friend of "juicy's" that he's in the wrong place if he's looking for gayfest.
12:11pm - inform juicy's friend that gayfest is down by the circle and over that big bridge behind the sign that says "to ocean city".
12:30pm - arrive at Carolines.
12:31pm - leave Carolines because its fucking stupid.
12:45pm - jon dunne steals fake oakley glasses from street vendor. greg padulo laughs.
1:00 pm - make joke about Bubba Mac's with the punchline "but i don't dance with black chicks"
1:15 pm - arrive at Doc's.
1:30 pm - todd and i decide we want to leave.
1:31 pm - we continue to drink.
2:00 pm - semi-drunk, slurring speech, laughing at old people.
2:30 pm - leave Doc's, still not detained or showing signs of bruising.
2:40 pm - purchase crab cake for 6.50, saying "you're gonna fuck me and then not stay the night? thats pretty rude." over and over. most people dont get the joke, some do and don't laugh.
2:45 pm - throw the remains of the crab cake at the shitty blues band playing on the "beach".
2:46 pm - yell about how "this isnt a beach, its a fuckin litterbox" untill police tell me to keep walking.
3:00 pm - arrive at anchorage
3:01 pm - me and todd really wanna fucking leave
3:02 pm - we continue drinking
3:15 pm - starts getting hazy
3:?? pm - notice loud cover band playing linkin park
?:?? ?? - hit something? (it might be a beer truck)
??? - jesus christ why are they playing red house. actually its voodoo child. what the fuck?
??? - i hate bayfest
????? - ugh i hate fucking cover bands
g aegr - florists
efaefe - elephants, dancing clowns
?fwefew - somehow i'm back at fucing carolines?
egegfwe wg g - i fucking hate carolines
wfwefwef - something
34? - bedtime?
8:00 am - (shabbos, the jewish day of rest) wake up with a jaegermesiter lai on, laying on a cheese grater.
8:01 am - inspect genitals and exposed skin.
8:02 am - drink can of coke.
8:04 am - vomit.

and thus marks another, unforgettable (because it's unrememberable... i just blew your mind.) bayfest.

always the same dudes with the same girls, only the girls have gained 15 lbs. jesus christ STOP DRINKING BEER. what is wrong with you. Gaining 60 lbs between the ages of 21 and 22 is NOT NORMAL. IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE PILE OF 10 EMPTY SIERRA NEVADA BOTTLES NEXT TO YOU.

at least drink some aspen edge... what the fuck?

.....anyways, fuck it...

i aint goin this year.

Posted by dirt at April 27, 2006 03:52 PM