[D1RT]

i'd go to LIVE 8, but i don't want to feed any starving kids... or see U2.

if you know me, you may have heard my band has a show at THE STONE PONY on July 10th....

but can you guess which pseudo-celebrity we're opening for?

...MICHAEL GRAVES!

who's that you ask?

no fucking clue.

BUT, apparently he's the original lead singer from The Misfits...

...I always thought the original lead singer was Glenn Danzig.

but what do I know.

we asked the gentleman that booked us to bill us with more mellow music... possibly even emo or something on that same level of shittyness... as we are far from heavy.

but alas, it looks like we're playing with heavy bands.

that should go over well.

(i'm being sarcastic)

regardless i can't tell you how excited I am to play there, as I haven't yet, and I've always wanted to.

Tickets are 10 bucks and can be purchased through Nicketmaster... with a BJ processing fee for the ladies, and a dimebag fee for the fellas.

show starts at 2pm

a whole bunch of jersey bands on 2 stages.

go here for a list of the bands and other various info

it's billed as SUMMERSLAM.

ALL AGES SHOW.

please noticed how we're billed as headliners.

that's because we pwn.

stay tits.

...deader than the parents on "a party of five"

it was like the secret window... only i killed my mouse.

... not my ex wife and her new lover.

SPOILER - JOHNNY DEPP KILLS HIS EX WIFE AND HER NEW LOVER AT THE END OF "THE SECRET WINDOW"

.. i never understood the whole "spoiler" concept, really.

yea so my mouse is broken.

its actually fun to have to hit TAB 4,000 times to get anywhere.

on dialup.

while listening to White Zombie's "La Sexorcito"

that albums badass.

....really it was natural selection, because the mouse was weak...

my monitor takes full force punches to the screen... it holds up.

the mouse didn't make it... and i didn't even hit him that hard..

he is survived by his brother; the keyboard,

his father; the monitor.

his step mother; the CPU.

(his biological mother died when we upgraded to a Pentium III.)

and the budweiser bottle that has been living next to him for about 10 months.

ceremonies will be held wherever he lands when i fucking throw him out the wndow.

he will be sorely missed. and i need another one so someone give me one.

preferably wireless...

...OH. and instead of a ball in the bottom of it, maybe a big bag of drugs.

preferably heroin...

well... come to think of it i need the ball, so give me that too...

WARNING: DON'T READ THE BEGINING OF THE POST IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN "THE SECRET WINDOW". IT CONTAINS A SPOILER.

is that right?

..the internet confuses me.

TTYL!

everybody loves raymond is more painful than that time i stuck the pencil in my urethra.

...when i woke up this evening it was on the TV.

i think i subliminally got dumber by sleeping through it with the volume on.

yea so i wrote THE DIRT CYCLE:PREFACE describing my life status prior to the begining of the end, as my coworker/friends call it, at Tweeter.

but thanks to bill gates being a cock depository my explorer closed itself.

so it's not meant to be.

we will start tomorrow with THE DIRT CYCLE sans the preface.

I leave you with this though...

a really really hot girl came up to me and toddbot on the beach today.. i mean hot. the kind of girl that i would suspect is on alot of medication if she's walking up to talk to me.

this girl was obnoxious.

and NOT ON ANY DRUGS.

I couldn't believe it. she asked me 5 times how long i was staying down here. where i was staying. where i'm from. she was from NY. OMG the bars are sooo much cooler there. the answer was the same each time.

"I live here," i responded again politely, blinded by her perfect body and incredibly straight teeth. paying no mind to her blatant retardation.

untill the last time she asked me... i started laughing uncontrollably... when she asked what i was laughing at I said "nothing"... then there was an awkward silence... a silence that lasted for a good minute or so as we stared at our beers.

then my friend frank says to me "so nick, how long are you gonna be staying down here at the shore?"

and i lost it. we all did. she felt stupid...

and she was.

but man she was hot.

i didnt even ask her for her number. all her male friends kept coming over saying "come back to the towel" and stupid shit like that.. but she stayed for an hour or so.. never shut up the whole time. didn't hear a word i said. totally self-absorbed. I was impressed that she told me her favorite band at the moment was Down... Totally taken aback. but it was all downhill from there...

plus i had to pay the STUPID 16 YEAR OLD BEACH TAG WHORES 10 dollars to sit on the beach today and tomorrow. why didn't i buy the 15 dollar season one? because it's too good of a deal. and i hate ventnor.

"do you have your beach tags?"

"no, do you?"

"hahahaha i have a whole bag of them!"

"did you buy any of them?"

"well, no"

"then you're a bit of a fucking hypocrite wouldn't you say?"

another awkward silence.

"...so do i get a discount because a bird shit on my cooler?"

no such luck.

it was I who sent the e-vite...

you know, some people don't appreciate the lengths I go to to put a smile on their face...

my father for instance... I gave him a copy of my band's demo CD for father's day... a vein gift, i know, but a gift none the less...

...and he uses it as an air freshner coaster in the kitchen.

but, it's my birthday. . .

a list of things i want for my birthday-

-graphing calculator
-elisha cuthbert's vagina
-big league chew
-bam margera's head so i can open his mouth and use it as a trendy ashtay for the porch.
-a nautical theme for my room
-deion sanders' hot dog cooking machine (has anyone else seen that?)
-anne coulter naked, strapped to my bed... so i can read al franken books to her while i masturbate.
-a barbershop quartet
-an IV full of jaegermeister
-a clumsy orphan child
-"The Steve Harvey Show" DVD Box set

also, you can make paypal donations payable to this addres -
somerspointchildpornring@gmail.com

...oh and French Stewart! love that guy....

thank you and good day.

unlike most bloggers, i wear pants

i showed her my oh face. oohh. ohhh.

grab yourself a frosty can of Pabst, a comfortable chair and the ointment of your choosing...

it's going to be an itchy, and at times, quite burning ride....

rats off to SAGIEN and I.S.S.F. (...it stands for I See Several Flaws retard) for setting me up.

i would like to say, first and foremost, that my feces does not emit any odor what so ever... in fact it smells like bakery-fresh cinnamon buns... with that said, it's easy to understand exactly why I think writing a blog would be a much more respectable medium to express my discontent with the general population through.

(my typical routine consisting of jaegermeister, budweiser, and shots of jaegermeister prefacing a night of slurred insults has become dull... predictable at best...)

so here i am.

stay tuned to my blog for the following:

-witty banter
-double penetration
-homemade turkey jerky
-cig butts
-big butts
-george bush being sodomized by magic johnson sans condom
-tender vittles
-offensive material
-pictures of my taint

and much, much more... including my series "The Dirt Cycle"

"The Dirt Cycle" will consist of stories begining with the rarely told story of my termination at a place of business I cannot reference (the name rhymes with Bweeter... and is pronounced Tweeter)... then following my journey from $50,000 a year, free concert tickets and a 401k to $12 under the table, a rash from my toolbelt and a medical condition, referred to by people "in the know", as swamp ass.

you heard it right.

i'm now a construction worker..

if you know me... you're saying,
"Nick, you don't like to really move around much"

This is true, but in my struggle to afford cig's and beer, some sacrifices have to be made.

Why would I be so normal? Why would I not try to continue the same path of intellectually based work? Why would i subject my unusually pale italian skin to the sun? Why do I smoke weed at 7 am with my coworkers before going 4 stories up on scaffolding?

all these answers and more coming soon...

keep it tits everybody.