[D1RT]

i'm going to louisiana... and you better believe i'm baking cookies.

ok so let me get this straight...

tsunami hits asia = worldwide relief fundraising, george clooney and his band of hollywood gypsys raising awareness and u2 benefit concerts.

category 5 hurricane hits america = no one cares, tom cruise remains mentally fucking retarted and the rolling stones are still planning to do another reunion tour.

double you tee eff.

i'm going.

packing my bags.

i've got a FOOLPROOF "get-rich-quick-in-the-wake-of-a-natural-disaster" plan.. and it's not the ever so 90's price gouging.. i mean hello? can you say cliche?

boring!

..i'm gonna get all my shoes... and dry clothing... pack up alot of sun chips, skittles, pot, newports and bawls and head to louisiana..

i will roll into the heart of new orleans, cranking lamb of god at an obnoxious level... angering the population of predominantly black people who were obviously told by the government that hurricanes can go up to a category 10... screwed by the man again. fuckin crackers.

while all the retards who apparently thought "mandatory evacuation" isn't nearly as important as it sounds are looting supermarkets for food, i'll be looting the music shop. getting all the recording gear i need to leave all you bastards behind me.

i'll be just like moby... only good.

i'll be rich.

i'll start wearing leather pants.

and partying with people who appear in tabloid magazines. doing coke off tiffany-amber theissen's ass. i'll become bisexual and start speaking with a british accent. saying things like "ciao" and "kisses". attending bbq's with porn stars that wear nothing but silk robes and fluffy pink slippers. getting late night phone-sex calls from pat roberts. reciting the kabala on cue.. you guys'll all be sorry.

and it will all be thanks to jesus christ taking his wrath out on a sinful, hethenistic city...

..and a little thing called tragedy.

on a side note, if you are male and listen to Jack Johnson, you are a candidate for cancer in your asshole because guys fuck you there.

rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

why the fuck does [adultswim] insist on playing that stupid jap animation garbage?

i hate this shit, it's boring and it's giving me a seizure.

...kinda random..

well here's some more...

cindy sheehan, that woman that's protesting the war because her son died in it, is quite possibly retarted. stop bashing your country you dumb whore. bush lost... why did he lose? because the majority of the country fucks their sisters. END OF STORY. sorry about your son, but you need to stop raping his memory in order to get your political agenda out there. i'll bet your insanely liberal ass was just waiting for him to die so you could bitch about something.

adam carolla's tv show is a disappointment. i know it's supposed to be "unscripted" but that's not true.. he does lettermanesque lists and other various stupidity that is painfully scripted and whoever is in charge of writing that is most likely the janitor disguised as someone with talent. if i wanted to hear gay/penis/fart jokes i'd listen to myself. that should last a month.

i implore you all to download the new google sidebar, though it is normally not my style to have any sort of sidebar, in fact i am normally totally against it, but this is actually useful. it has news, weather, a scratch pad, gmail as well as RSS feeds, which can allow me to read my new blog posts AS SOON as I post them...

want to know something interesting involving elevators?? if you hold down the close door button and the number of the floor you want to get to at the same time, it will bypass all other lower class people that are between you and your destination floor. which is very rock star. it doesnt work on all of them, but it does on most office buildings, as well as alot of other stuff, supposedly... if anybody tries it... let me know.

a woman in some dumb state was paid 5 grand to wear an advertiser's temporary tattoo on their forehead for some amount of time that i didnt care to soak into my brain. i checked out the site and they allow you to apply to be paid to wear tattoos on other parts of your body as well... check it out here. leaseyourbody.com

my tooth is healed and feels fine.

the new family guy movie is pretty funny... i honestly think it could have been alot better but who the ell am i, right? if you haven't seen it yet, you are super behind the times, get the fuck with the program. it comes out on DVD in a month... what are you a conformist?? pfft.

it has come to my attention that a new part of my job will be selling web design and misc computer shit.. should be interesting... so if you need a website, don't click on any of the dumb ads that may pop up from my super obtrusive advertising, instead email me. dirt666@gmail.com

....then click on some of the other ads.

I'm giving 5 to 1 odds that Mick Jagger WILL NOT DIE during his upcoming fifth final stint of the rolling stones... anyone who wants in on it, use the above email address.

also, if you happen to come across this AMAZINGLY tasty beverage, i suggest you give it a try... it's called BAWLS.... pronounced balls. imagine the fun things you can say... the puns, the innuendo... the comedy factor alone makes it's 2 dollar price tag practically charitable and it's really good... further more it's an energy drink and buzzes me up like crystal meth up my face.... without cutting it up... just raw glass through my face... and the incredibly bitchin' bottle won't break. it's available at clikz and really i don't think anywhere else... i've never seen it.

check your local white trash gas station...

..ya know, the one in the ghetto with the barred windows and the bank teller suction system...

i don't think black people even get wisdom teeth, do they?

... i just don't remember any of my black friends ever referring to them..

i haven't posted in a while.. it's not because i'm on a drug binge or because i'm really upset about something... it's not in wake of the incredibly depressing last few episodes of six feet under.. and it's certainly not at all related to spelunking or manatees.

it's due to the judas tooth that decided it would be in its best interest to piss me the fuck off by sabatoging the in-jack of my face.

apparently, the wisdom tooth that decided to grow correctly thinks he can just poke his conceited crown up in my face SELFISHLY without any concern of my need to smoke and eat and do drugs.

the other three are so quiet... it's like they aren't even there.

but there's always one to fuck it up for the rest.

so that's all i have to say right now, i'm not into writing anything right now... i'm hungry, i cant drink beer, i can barely smoke, and my jaw is throbbing.. i don't feel like doing anything.. i havent for a couple days...

you'll be happy to hear, however, that i am keeping close tabs on my bowel movements as well as eating alot of soup.

i hope to be back to abnormal sooner than michael jackson.

(minus the child porn)

if dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

i'm an artsy guy.

you may not know that.. or i may be full of shit.

ITS BOTH.

did i blow your mind?

here is a collection of some of the finest internet artwork i have laid my discriminating, yet accurate eyes upon... you may have seen this, or some of this, or parts of this elsewhere... maybe you haven't.

i don't know.

the important thing to remember is, i have to go to the bathroom.

thus, enter "mosh girl"

it started with the first picture. the one directly below these very sentences. then, it spread uncontrollably, like the aids in Tom Hanks' asshole. the results were, much like the ending to Philadelphia, hilarious. enjoy.

every cloud has a silver lining... and sometimes that lining is a small malignant tumor that just happens to be silver in color.

another day at work..

take in a computer...

answer the phone.

fix a computer..

sell obnoxious little niglets from the low income housing development across the street candy..

clean up the trash littered about all the computers..

as i plop another comp up on the bench, certain that my mundane life is sure to be halted by a self-inflicted shotgun blast... the cycle is broken.

in the words of Quagmire....

"Dear Diary.... JACKPOT"

oh yeah.

thats 4 full hours of mildly disgusting porn.

what does that mean?

why it means 4 full hours of hilarity!

sure we should be fixing computers... minding the store.. but no.. we're watching porno and yelling in disgust as the filthiest whores i've ever seen get plowed by various strange men.

the movie opens up with a wonderful scene of Frankenstein (equipped with his 3 inch penis) banging this young slut with really bad teeth.

so thank you, (name omitted), for forgetting to take your hardcore pornography out of your computer's DVD rom.

we got a big laugh out of it...

it's kind of disturbing, but i am assuming that you have beat 40,000 dead hand babies out on your floor watching it...

things that make you say.... bwaah.

in the end, if your TV is powered by propane, you'd probably enjoy this film.

i see several flaws in charlie and the chocolate factory..

1.) Johnny Depp SUCKS in that movie.

2.) if you were being sucked up into a pipe and you clogged it, the chocolate would probably fall out from below you ... it certainly wouldn't start cracking and shooting out of the pipe...

3.) THEY DIDNT DRINK THE FIZZY LIFTING DRINK. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU CANT HAVE WILLY WONKA WITHOUT FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS.

myspace survey's are like totally boss...

1. Spell your first name backwards: salohcin

2. Story behind your name: I came into this world, i was named, then i began to die. so who cares?

3. How old are you: 24.

4. Where do you live: Scum Point.

DESCRIBE YOUR:

5. Wallet - it holds my cancelled credit card and various water damaged business cards.

6. Hairbrush - yea. dumb

7. Toothbrush - hopefully it wasnt up your ass.

8. Jewelry worn daily - nipple bells.

10. Pillow cover - i sleep on the floor because i want to.

11. and 12. "are omitted due to the severe gheyetty of them" ?

13. Sunglasses - sunglasses are not as coola s cancer.

14. Favorite shirt - Escucha A System of A Down

15. Cologne/Perfume - Versace Dreamer or Blue Jeans.

16. CD in stereo right now - Pantera

17. Piercings - nipples eyebrow, lip, ears and liver.

18. What you are wearing now - budweiser

19. Wishing - a plane would crash into my room.

20. wanting - food or drugs... or a combination of both.

21. After this - keep wishing for a plane to crash into my room

22. If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what - johnny depp for not being nearly as good as gene wilder

23. Person you wish you could see right now - anyone.

24. Some of your favorite movies - easy rider.

25. Something you're looking forward to in the coming month - nothing. i look forward to nothing.

26. The last thing you ate - pizza.

27. Something that you are deathly afraid of - Sting.

28. Do you like candles - yes

29. Do you like incense - Yes.

30. Do you like the taste of blood - yes

31. Do you believe in love - dunno

32. Do you believe in soul mates - probably not.

33. Do you believe in love at first sight - i believe in drugs at first site.

34. Do you believe in Heaven - nope

35. Do you believe in God - and nope.

36. What do you want done with your body when you die - i want to be thrown in a wood chipper and sprayed all over the siding of my house.

37. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - a sexually confused chipmunk.

38. What is the longest you've ever stay up? -3 or 4 days

39. Can you eat with chopsticks - yes,,, i know gooks.

40. What's your favorite coin - the ones that are so dirty you cant decipher it.

41. What are some of your favorite candies - skittles and children.

42. What's something that you wish people would understand about you - that i hate them all.

43. What's something you wish you could understand better - mandarin.

44. Who is someone that you really wish was still around - my dog serj. i loved him.

45. Who are your best friends? they are various cartoon characters that i seem to fill my brain with.

46. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend - i have nothing

f a s h i o n | s t u f f

54. Where is your favorite place to shop - Red Barn

55. Have any tattoos - nope

56. What is your favorite thing to wear- my penis.

57. What is a must have accessory - silencer.

58. How much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing - alot.

60. Who is the least fashionable person you know - David Arquette

61. Do you match your belt with your hair color - No.

62. What is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good - Skidz.

64. How many pairs of shoes do you own - 2.

65. What is the worst trend you see today - guys with bad bangs.

s p e c i f i c s

1. Do you do drugs - yes.

2. What kind of shampoo do you use - you cant use just one.

7. How many buddies are online right now - fuck them.

8. What would you change about yourself - I'd be Dave Coulier.

9. What are essentials in your life - misery and cheetos.

10. If you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? - the power to fart sans odor.

12. Do you send out holiday cards each year - no

C U R R E N T

1. Hair: black

2. make-up: gene simmons.

3. music: Team Sleep

4. mood: dead.

5. time: jaeger o'clock.