[D1RT]

FUCK YOU PART II (THE EIGHT PART MINI-SERIES)

FUCK WORLD RELIGIONS

really, there is nothing to say about people that practice world religions that isn't allready known by anyone that isnt a total dolt... come to think about it, most people that show low signs of "dolterry" don't practice religion at all. that's because their brain functions properly... now, i'm not saying that if you practice a religion you're stupid... i'm saying that if you practice a religion you aren't smart.

its one thing to have deeply rooted bullshit instilled into you since birth. coming from say, a catholic school, with catholic family practices, and being used to a certain way can in itself, be an addiction. it can be tough to come to your senses... but you didn't grow up fucking buddhist, taoist, l ron hubbardist, or hindu. so obviously, you shed your birth-given religon, not all together, but just enough to keep yourself holy enough to accept a new "trendy" one, without being smited by your god. thats crazy, i thought that was kinda the opposite of what happens when you become a heretic. this behavior makes you the shit of the shit. you are what shit shits when it eats burger king. if there was a cream that floated to the top of shit, that would be you.

so instead of wasting my time, your time, and lord jevhova almighty's time, writing out a whole list of reasons why you're a trendy asshole in desperate need of vanity and discussion pieces, i'm going to prove my point the most credible way i know how... with a pie chart.

here you can plainly see, in black and white, all of these people are retarded. are you going to take a retarded person seriously? i did once and he spilled mustard on my pants. and directly after i punched him in the teeth i thought to myself, "why did i take this retard seriously? i wasnt paying attention to him and he caused a great mess. i will not take retards seriously any longer."

learn from my mistakes.

and for all the religous flip-floppers, you have to understand that there isn't a person in the WORLD that doesnt think madonna studying the kabala is just a piece of jewlery she can wear in her next video. the only reason that the world doesn't think you're a trendy cunt too, is because no one knows who you are.

someday, when the giant space venison come back to live on our planet, you'll all realize how stupid theism was.

NEXT WEEK

FUCK YOU PART III
FUCK BREAKFAST

since it's so fucking fashionable

i'm sitting in a red velvet-like chair. i am drinking some sort of dark red wine. could be sangria. (it's probably shiraz)

i take a seemingly endless draw of my cigarette... inside could be pot. (it's probably shwag)

i want to tell you a story... a story of love lost.. . a story of valentine's day. a story about an almond. a story of the almond that changed my life forever.

it was 4th grade. or 5th. something like that.

it was Valentine's day in Somers Point... i know what you're thinking... that's kind of like Christmas time in Hollis, Queens. indeed it is... but, instead of my mother cooking turkey and collard greens, she is bitching. and i am cooking up love....

having a dad that's a florist has it's advantages and disadvantages.. i have access to free flowers, little candies, stuffed animals and decorative light houses. what could be better with the ladies? conversely, i live in a pink house and have to hear "your dad's a florist" from people all the time. so it's a gift and a curse.

this year my father has a surplus of hershey kisses and decides to give me enough of them to kill a malaysian village of diabetic children. half regular hershey kisses, the other half the (at the time) brand new, gold foil annointed almond hershey kisses.

he says "maybe you should take some of them in to your class at school"

a light went off in my head. an idea has been formulated... a brilliant idea...

"i can throw these at that arab kid that has seizures." i thought.

sweet. so i gather a bunch of the plain kisses up and put them in a bag, ready to bring them to school... i throw one almond kiss in the bag for myself, considering them precious due to their gold foil wrappings.

"no need to give the almond ones away" i selfishly thought.

i'm off to school, mom still bitching about something, youthful energy pulsating through me, and visions of the arab kid having a seizure on the basketball court dancing in my head...

i walk into school and sit down.. i sit down next to the girl i've had a crush on since i came to this school. a girl with excellent hair and these things in her shirt that kinda resembled titties. we'll call her megan... because that was her name.

"hey nick", she said with a smile.

"hi megan", i replied, in a moment of prepubescent bliss.

maybe i'll ask her out today... do you think she'd say yes? i know she used to date that dude josh... he's a fucking tool. maybe she'll let me put my fingers in her box? that would be cool.. in a moment of unusual courage i decided to make a move..

"hey megan, would you lik-"

"Nick, are those candies for the class?" my fat, rotten cunt of a teacher barked with no regard to the fact i was speaking to someone "bring them up here and hand them out"

as i stood up to bring the candy up front, ANOTHER idea came to me.. i cant just ask this girl out up-front. i'm artsy, intelligent, unique... i need a special way of pervaying my feelings to this girl... something creative and borderline vague.. i gaze down at my bag of kisses... one gold kiss on the top of a sea of silver plain blah-ness...

"i'll give her the only gold hershey kiss" i thought to myself

fucking brilliant! it's like having your cake and eating it, too! i can show her just enough of my emotional, romantic side to spark her interest... in a way that, without confronting me, she could never just assume was intentional, therefore rendering me virtually immune to scrutiny!

i start handing out the kisses, too shy to make eye contact with ANYONE, let alone her.

im giving every person one, thats all they get. fuck them. these are my kisses. none of these people have to deal with having a florist for a father, thus none of them can reap the rewards. none except that beautiful, intelligent, soon to be penetrated, wonderful girl. it comes time to give her the candy...

i walk up..

BOOM, gold candy on desk

an army radio communication goes off in my head... "GOLD KISS DOWN, I REPEAT, GOLD - KISS - DOWN"

i dont even look at her, i continue handing out kisses thinking about what an awesome and creative person i am.. i am SURE to get a date with this girl... this is it... nick, you've outdone yourself... your fingers are going to house a smell that they have never housed before.. you have finally done something right.

i finish handing out the candy and look up just in time to see megan...

gorgeous megan and her beautiful face...

just before she chokes on the fucking almond and dies right there in class.

and if that wasn't enough to scar me for life, she shit herself when she died.

ahh... love lost.

stephen colbert on...

THE BLT

"I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can."

On Newsweek: "The cover story this week is this fluff piece on Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, something about a nuclear weapons program. But my story is featured right up here in what we news biz insiders call the 'golden corner.'"

On the President's energy policy: "Turns out, not everyone understood the President's pledge [to cure America's dependence on foreign oil! -Ed.], so on Wednesday, the Department of Energy cleared it all up: 'Both his energy secretary and national economic advisor said the President did not mean it literally.' Of course he didn't. Any poet will tell you words like the President's are the sugar-spun stuff of dreams. Bush is a political William Carlos Williams."

On Apple: "Actually, I'm considering a lawsuit over the video iPod. Nowhere does it say I shouldn't duct tape the player to the bill of a baseball cap so I can watch Toby Keith videos while I'm driving. Apple, this is irresponsible, but I'm willing to settle out of court."

On Stephen's Famous Five-Meat Chili: "We all know the classic recipe: beef, pork, lamb, mild sausage, and hot sausage - but I'm a risk taker. I say once you've met your core requirements of beef, pork, and lamb, dream big! How about ostrich and venison? I've gone that way. It had a sort of Ted Nugent-Mel Gibson vibe."

On his Super Bowl pick: "Gotta be honest, I've always had a problem with Seattle. Not that it doesn't have guts. It's sandwiched dangerously between two Canadas: Canada-Canada and Oregon -- California's Canada. Save your letters, Oregon. I don't read anything written on birch bark. But I lost a bundle on a Seattle-based web startup back before the bust. My lawyers aren't done with you, e-mandolin.com!"

On New York's Eighth District: "In pop culture, it's where The Honeymooners honeymooned, The Warriors warriored, the Friends befriended, and Law and Order's Special Victims Unit still special-victims-units to this day."

On the State of the Union Address: "Hope you caught the State of the Union Address last night. Big success for the President. I listened to it live during the show on my earpiece. Then, later, I watched it on TiVo, and then I downloaded it to my iPod and listened to it this morning while I read it to the paper."

On the American Worker: "Tonight we present a Colbert Report Special Report: 'The American Worker: A Hero's Salute to the Besieged Heroes of the American Jobscape." Tonight, we celebrate the backbone of this country. We honor the big shoulders that hold America aloft in our global chickenfight. Those shoulders belong to you, the working men and now, for better or worse, women."

To the American Worker: "I have written a poem to commemorate your sacrifice called 'Poem for the American Worker.' Arise! / Ye sinewy titans of the rivet-strewn factory floor! / Arise, and accept your present circumstances. // Ye whose bulging backs bear the ballast of the American Dream, / Unite until it is no longer convenient. // Raise thy fist to the skies / Then lower it / Then raise it again, / In a smooth continuous motion. // And shake loose thy chains! / But only if thou workst in a chain factory / Which you probably don't. // For yea, brothers / Only together can we maintain or increase our daily productivity."

On the State of the Union Address: "I've just got to hear it. The State of the Union Address is my Super Bowl, March Madness, and World Ice Dancing Championship rolled into one."

On the Academy Awards: "I think there should be a new rule for the acting categories. If you change your appearance and put on more than ten pounds of prosthetics, you're automatically rewarded with a nomination. That goes for Jim Carrey in 'The Grinch,' Mike Myers in 'The Cat in the Hat,' and Steven Seagal in 'Black Dawn.'"

On Alito's confirmation: "After a contentious debate on the Senate floor and months of fiery rhetoric, Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. All you need to know? Stock up on Trojans."

On Nightline's use of 'truthiness': "You know what was missing from that piece? Me. Stephen Colbert. But I'm not surprised. Nightline's on opposite me over on ABC. Same timeslot. We destroy them in the ratings -- I don't have numbers to support that, I just feel that it's true. So they play dirty, stealing content from my show."

On James Frey: "I respect him for making up his past. Shows character. Too many people just let their past happen to them. It's part of the culture of victimization -- 'Oooh, I had no control over the circumstances of my birth.' But when you decide to have had a difficult childhood, that -- that is really owning your past."

On crocodiles' two-legged ancestor: "Well, Darwin-lutionists, looks like that blows another hole in your evolution theory. I thought everything was supposed to evolve from apes. Now you're saying things evolved from crocodiles? Which is it?!"

On Alberto Gonzalez's claim that every president has authorized wiretapping: "Those are precious state secrets! Nobody's supposed to know about George Washington's covert electronic surveillance program. Shhhh! I just pray he doesn't start yakking about the secret cryochamber that General Grant stored Lincoln in. We will find a cure for 'shot in head.'"

On a pressing issue: "I was looking at Time Magazine the other day. I don't read Time usually, just 'Man of the Year' and the annual 'Was Jesus Real' issue. But this caught my eye: 'Is America Flunking Science?' Well of course we are, now. Of course, back in the 80s, teenagers were actually using computers to create women in their bedrooms."

On Pennsylvania's Second District: "There's also the Philadelphia Museum of Art, whose stairs were made famous in the movie 'Rocky.' The museum displayed a commemorative statue of Rocky until it was removed in 1990. Unlike those in charge of the actual movie franchise, the Philadelphia Museum of Art knew when to quit."

FUCK YOU PART I (THE EIGHT PART MINI-SERIES)

FUCK BAR SONGS

who the FUCK came up with the idea that when someone puts on "sweet caroline" by Neil Diamond in a bar, it's instinctively necesarry to sing the refrain in the loudest, drunkest, most obnoxious tone ever? LEARN THE OTHER FUCKING WORDS TO THE SONG. no one seems to know a single lyric from that song except, "sweet caroline, BAH BAH BAH". SHUT THE FUCK UP. now, i love neil diamond in a heterosexual, yet curious way. but the drunk retards in somers point have ruined that song. you dont hear anyone singing the words to "she got the way to move me" or even collectively humming the keyboard solo.

along the same lines, i must also point out both "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet, which are actually the only two songs he's ever written or recorded ever. I am forced to think that's true because those are the only two songs ive ever fucking heard from the man. who the FUCK drinks margaritas on a constant basis? no one. i would shit my pants if i drank more than one margarita, or even 1/4 of the amount of margaritas it would require to colonize an entire city of magaritas. yes jim, there is a woman to blame..... for your career. also for the need of a frozen mixed lime drink.

jack johnson has however written more than the popular bar anthemn that i am forced to think is titled "bah bah da bah bah bah bah dah". (thats all that smug little faggot says in that song, so it must be the title.) but strangely, every song sounds the same. his voice sounds like he just got over the flu. and by "the flu" i mean "fucking a guy." i hate you jack johnson, and i hate everyone who wastes 50 cents to play his song in a bar and thereby rape my ears with a fallic-shaped turd.

seriously, if you listen to jack johnson youre a fucking woman. if youre a man and you admit to listening to jack johnson, youre a faggot that needs to move to NYC with the rest of the transexual folk singers.

i guess all you really need to write a horrible bar song is..

1) monosyllabic words that have no meaning
2) brightly colored shirts
3) no musical talent
4) a typical drunk-cunt female to listen to it with a retarded, talentless boyfriend that can try to sing it to her.

NEXT WEEK, PART II,

FUCK WORLD RELIGIONS.