[D1RT]

THIS IS THE CHURCH. THIS IS THE STEEPLE. OPEN UP THE DOOR, HERE'S THIS DOUCHE BAG.

there is a man, we all know and love.. a man who has a penchant for exploiting douchebaggery to the masses..

that man is me.

one of my biggest shortcomings is my explosive temper toward those who attempt to belittle or appear "better than" me or my closest friends... though very few of my friends would extend the same mindless loyalty back to me, for one reason or another, i still do it.

does that make me a good friend? sure. does that make me a huge asshole? certainly... does that make up for many of my other failures as both a friend and a human being? maybe....

but, that's not why i do it.

i do it because you will listen to what i have to say... and if you have something to say about it, you should bask in the 30 minutes of hubris you will feel prior to me seeing it and ripping you a new asshole.

so this is to you, you fake ass, untalented, preachy, insecure little 4 inch prick of a human...

...and before you say it, you're right, this is absolutely none of my business... but if you take a gander to my empty hand, youw ill see that my "care cup" is dry as a bone.

A LITTLE BACKGROUND

Meet The Rev. Matt Something Or The Other

this incredibly huge prick (figuratively speaking, of course), is best described as an archetype i have named "Marc Jacobs Faithful".

the "Marc Jacobs Faithful" archetype is the kind of person that, for one reason or another, wears religion like it's an accessory... like it's chanel earings, or a luis vuitton purse.. you can tell these people by their incessant need to preach (or on the internet, link) to people all their bullshit beliefs, just so they can seem "holier-than-thou". often times, these people have the most to mask, thus creating a costume of faithful, almost mindless, bliss to hide behind.

this fucking dweeb is married to a person that i have recently met and interacted with at various social functions. she's a nice girl, who is obviously very pure and in my opinion, the exact opposite of the "Marc Jacobs Faithful" archetype.

this girl is an unbelievably nice girl.. i say unbelievably, because i was not aware that there were people of that caliber of kindness left in the world. it doesn't take much longer than 5 minutes of her presence to understand what i mean.

she had developed a quote un-quote relationship with a good friend of mine, we'll call him "bomwat". a totally appropriate relationship without even the slightest hint of infidelity.

enter the douche.

since everyone's life is documented on myspace these days, this "beef" was no different... douchebag sends bomwat a message, that he obviously took 3 hours to write, rewrite, spell check and basically dress up, as to make himself appear intelligent and valid, basically telling him that he needs to stay away from his wife.

thats fine, and i can almost understand that... but his reasoning you ask?

bomwat is full of hate and is a bad influence on her. you see, he proudly proclaims that he and his wife live their lives strictly through the greatest fictional story of all time, The Bible. in the letter, he whines about her "spending way too much time on the internets" and how "he totally trusts her" and that "she had reconnected with all of her old friends from high school, and that took away from the 'balance' that was in place before".. in other words, she took a little bit of her attention away from him and he wants to cry like a fucking bitch.

i'll spare you the actual letter, as i have alot of words i want to spend bashing this fuckface cockmaster and dont need to mix them up with such bullshit. I probably wouldnt be involved in this if he hadnt gotten all preachy, and made sweeping generalizations about the people in bomwat and i's band, because we arent idiots like him (ie. we question the presence of any higher power.. especially the one he's currently in bed with, untill he switches teams for whatever the new "trendy" religion is)

now, i could sit here and go point for point on everything this coward had to say about jeff... i mean bomwat... everything he had to say about his intentions and all the little mainstream bible quotes he sent him, but i'm not going to do that...

you see, that would be way too mature and intelligent.

instead, let's go through the myspace cycle (reference: Will The Real MIKE UY Please Stand Up?) and make fun of him.

but please, let this also serve as a lesson in faith. the things outlined in this blog are fact. these things, his "reality" so to speak, is the same "reality" that every brainwashed idiot church fag shares. basically, when you fall into the ranks of the church folk, you give up your identiy and adopt one that is eerily similar to this one... and that my friends, is the definition of lame.

lets begin....

TO BE CONTINUED

POTRAIT OF AN AMERICAN DOUCHE BAG

ARTIST RENDERING TO REPLACE PIC COMING SOON

One man's path of self-absorbed righteousness....

Another man's path of questionable motives...

And yet ANOTHER man's path of misdirected anger and hatred toward overly religous imbeciles...

ARTIST RENDERING TO REPLACE PICTURE COMING




AN ISSF "JOIN TEH DRAMA" EXCLUSIVE...



COMING SOON....

Would the real Mike Uy please stand up?

i was perfectly content thinking that i knew the only mike uy in the world.

it was a delusion that i took for granted...

ENTER THE IMPOSTER: (notice the Bruce Lee reference. he was asian, too.)

meet mike uy.

upon seeing his site, i decided to go through my normal new myspace routine... that is where i get to know and then directly get to disliking a person vicariously through their myspace. it is pretty standard stuff, and i will break it down in steps.

STEP 1 - THE MAIN PIC/QUOTE AND GENERAL GIST

his main picture is himself doing what i like to call "waxing the male mechanic."

..thats when, because you have a penis, you crack open the hood of your/your life partner's car and look at it, as if looking at a fucking engine will ever do or tell you anything. i mean, sure itll tell you if, say, the alternator melted or the radiator is the cause of the bright green liquid your dog is licking off your driveway, but other than that, staring at an engine tells you very little. he appears to be deep in thought... as if thinking, "do i know a fucking thing about cars? i know about cooking rice... but this is somehow different... i think my soy sauce latte is a bit heavy on the mackarel"

THE REAL mike uy doesnt even pretend to know a thing about cars.

his quote, "if we don't say anything, nothing will change"

THE REAL mike uy is far above pointing out the obvious. saying that is like saying, "if i staple my balls to my dog, it will hurt" or "if i eat this lego, i will see it in my toilet somewhere down the line."

i notice his top 8 is comprised of mostly asians. way to be a racist, ya fuckin gook.

THE REAL mike uy knows no racial limits. his top 8 is a veritable cornacopia of ethnicity and may i just say, is frankly quite refreshing.

STEP 2 - VIEW MORE PICTURES

let's see just how high he rates on the "slant scale"

.... yea, that means he ranks a 10 out of a possible 9. wow it says porn in english and something about dogs or bonzai kittens in chinese. lets put it on myspace.

THE REAL mike uy only shows his heritage in photos with the occasional asian hat or ninja outfit. (please note: ninjas > chinese lettering)

shouldnt you be doing a rubicks cube? or making me a #38?

i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that an asian friend of yours took this picture in the middle of NYC. just a wild guess.

STEP 3 - MUSIC/MOVIES

MUSIC "JS Bach; Schubert; Tchaikovsky; Mahler; Mozart; Beethoven; Ravel; Debussy; Franz Ferdinand; Janet Jackson; The Beatles; Aretha Franklin; some Green Day; some The Temptations"

what a diverse musical taste.

THE REAL mike uy appreciates Journey. this guy is obviously an uncultured fuckhead.

MOVIES "Love Actually, Amelie, Moulin Rouge, Harry Potters"

typical asian... adding letters where they dont belong.. it's Harry Potter. not Potters. may i also point out that moulin rouge is fucking gay.

THE REAL mike uy spends alot of time on both wikipedia.com and dictionary.com.. thus, his spelling and pronunciation is dirt-approved.

STEP 4 - ABOUT ME/WHO I'D LIKE TO MEET

ABOUT ME "In my third year as a Cal student. My life is mostly about one thing, Anderson, my viola - and God of course. I live to travel - if I have one goal in life, it is to not live in any single place for more than 5 years. Next destination: I need to go to Europe. sn = pandaandahalf"

ok, if it isn't bad enough that he plays the Viola, he named it "anderson".. and who is this anderson he named it after? why, i'd say none other than one of his listed "heroes" - anderson cooper.

fuck anderson fucking cooper, go to europe.

THE REAL mike uy doesnt make goals. he's above that. he doesn't go to school.. he's above that too. and he sure as fuck doesnt play the viola.

WHO ID LIKE TO MEET "i'd rather live on false impressions than be disappointed by reality; except maybe Bruchner, he can improvise 10 part fugues on the organ - thats nothing short of amazing"

this guy is very unmotivated.. i bet with a little effort, he could EASILY learn how to improvise an amazing 10 part gay on the fagonet.

THE REAL mike uy knows his potential and he strives for it everyday... he doesnt go around giving mouth sex to every organist thats willing to perform for him.

STEP 5 - BLOG

it takes balls to say you're mike uy... this we know is true.

but, it takes uber nuts to blog under that name.

20th Birthday

My Friends and Family are the Bestest:

I ADMIT, I GOT PUNK'D.

Thanks so much every one of you that helped plan and come and fool me for this 20th birthday surprise party. i thought that i had already had a good time yesterday when some of you guys came over for the pizza and Sin City movie shin-dig. i thought to myself, wow these are my real close friends - especially since i stayed up till 2am talking to one of them. i admit i wanted to be so mad at Paquito especially! one of my so-called best friends saying that he couldnt come because he was at disneyland and then later coming near midnight with some rowdy companions. and Lisa and Olivia too for giving me all this grief and lame and vague excuses on why they couldn't come.

And then this morning when Cathy, Miri, and Caroline ask me to hang out for the afternoon I thought, sure, why not. But when they were dropping me off at home, i first saw Jade's car, and then Paquito's car, and thought, what are they doing parked here? and i walked towards the front door and i hear all this giggling, and i thought, oh man. i go in through the garage door and there they are to surprise me: Paquito, Philip, Brandon, Olivia, Lisa, Bryan (who drove all the way from SLO - thanks buddy, ctrl-4), Jade, Cathy, Miri, Caroline. and Claire who came today (who didnt show up yesterday either), Wyatt, and later Joe and Emily when we went to go see Wedding Crashers. Thanks to my awesome mom and sister who planned this and set up all the balloons and decorations - and asking Paquito, Lisa, Olivia, and Cathy to organize it. Thanks to those who were able to come both nights - and those who purposefully didnt come the first night just to make me cry on the inside, instead coming for the surprise. I really had no clue, you guys got me good and I'm so grateful to have friends and family like you guys. Much love!

Excuse me while i go pee after playing King's.

Paquito? what the fuck kind of name is that?

THE REAL mike uy knows no Paquito. nor is he ever surprised. mike uy's intellect is far beyond that of this imposter's. also, he doesn't say "much love".

STEP 6 - FRIEND REQUEST OR PROFANITY

this is it.. this is the final step of the myspace cycle. i dont feel right just looking at someones page and leaving.. i need to do something... either add him as a friend, or somehow torment him via a message. which did i pick?

you decide....

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To: Michael

Date: May 5, 2006 3:43 AM

Subject: mike uy?

Body:

exactly what kind of sick twisted fucking joke is this?

you are a sadistic son of a bitch, pal.
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with any luck, that will confuse the shit out of him.