[D1RT]

Dear Kenny Klotz

a letter to the biggest retard in history.

(fictional and non-fictional)

(yes, this includes Corky from Life Goes On)

(BACK STORY: This incredible turd dates my ex girlfriend. his name is Kenny Klotz. he lurks on my page because he has a tiny little penis. seriously, its like a half-eaten twinkie. he left this comment on my page under a fake name and email address because he's a pussy. i did a WHOIS on the IP that left the comment and after a little research, realized he left this slanderous comment from his work (a hospital, where he is a male nurse):

I have to admit I agree, however from what i understand you need to have a car to be worried about seat belts and a license for that matter. I would love to see a post about your erectile dysfunction or something about how you are trying to bring back the bandana. Just because their your friends doesn't mean their telling you the truth.

Posted by: Potty Trained at January 31, 2007 06:51 PM

the following is my response)

you are the most obnoxious, boring, full of shit, annoying motherfucker on the planet. i mean, everyone knows that.. its not like im just pulling that out of the air.. this is not a radical thought. i am not shocking anyone with this statement. just because your "friends" dont tell YOU that, doesnt mean they dont laugh at your lame ass. every single person that i know that knows you seems to have the same reaction when they bring you up... and believe me, its not flattering.

but thats not whats funny.. whats funny is that you're dumb enough to leave that message from your work.

i mean, obviously you're too big of a faggot to put your real name in there.. i mean, thats obvious.. but the fact that you're stupid enough to not realize how easily someone intellectually superior to you (me, cameron diaz, etc.) could find that information, contact your work & ISP and get your doofy ass fired from your job cleaning up peoples shit and vomit... now thats humor.

speaking of people who clean up shit and vomit, how the fuck can you talk shit on me? you're supposed to be wiping up shit, not talking it. shouldnt you be doing that now? i mean, you are at work. dont you have something better to do? christ, go pretend like you're a valued member of the hospital staff and not just a yo-boy.

also, you need to get your facts straight... i have a license, i also have a car.. in all honesty, i havent gotten it insured yet, but hey... at least my job has nothing to do with random people's feces or vomit... also, i come home from work smelling of awesome, not piss.

as far as erectile dysfunction goes... though i cant remember a specific time i have gone soft mid-sex, what can i say.. YOU GOT ME. IM 25 WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. lol.... if it actually did happen, i was on drugs... pills, coke, heroin, whatever... or maybe i just dont like having sex with a dead broad. who knows, either way i can understand how my penis is a point of envy for you.. i dont blame you, it is a spectacle and a tough act to follow, little fella.

as far as the bandana goes, why would i want to do something thats "in" or "back"? i prefer to leave shit like world religions, different lame ass karate styles, trends, tae-bo and diggereydoo playing to no-talent ass clowns like you... didya get the reference? probably not. taking fashion advice from you is like taking tennis lessons from freddie mercury's aids infested corpse.. do you remember that fuckin Frasier Crane jacket you used to wear out to the bars? heres a hint: its the one that made you look like the biggest fucking tool in the bar... yeah... thats a classic piece.. and in a beautiful shade of infant shit brown, to boot. point is, you're out of your element, donnie.

it must suck really really hard to want to be involved in music and not have a scrap of talent... seriously.. i feel for ya. maybe you should pickup one of those Esteban guitar/dvd/gig bag/tuner sets for $75... apparently you can master flamenco guitar in 3 weeks with it... though, i dont see that working.. maybe LAW will pickup a PVC pipe player? it surely could diversify their sound. but, ill tell ya what, ill try to keep you in my prayers during my next 3 month tour.. the only problem is, i dont pray to buddha or xenu or whatever bullshit religion you've subscribed to this year, so it may not work.

its kinda crazy that *name omitted* is still with you.. i mean, she must be sniffin glue. and i mean some fuckin industrial strength glue.. ya know, the kind you used to sniff back in the day in-between huffing cans of glade, ya fucking scum bag. its just a matter of time before she realizes that you are incredibly worthless and man, i wish i could be there at that exact moment to lap up your sweet, sweet tears. i bet they'd taste like victory... unfortunately, i'll be busy falling asleep watching my Journey DVD for the 754th (est.) time.

i could write for hours about you, your tiny penis that every ex girlfriend of yours talks about freely, your laughable job that you decided to do because your girlfriend does it (only shes a real doctor and youre just a perpetual poser), the shit weed you sell sagien (dont hospitals test their employees?), the way you long for acceptance (but never will actually get it because youre pretty much mentally challenged), your inability to say a complete thought without some sort of lie or bent truth involved (youve been hanging drywall since age 4!), the letter and flowers you sent to jess (that we also got a kick out of reading) that you later denied ever sending and many many other hilarious things...

but i have shit to do. i dont need to lurk you.. mainly because youre a loser, but also because i seriously am so above little piss clams like you, its laughable. i got billz n shit d00d. lurking on my blog isnt going to make your penis any larger. anytime you want to man up and talk some shit to my face ill be happy to introduce your teeth to the back of your head, but untill then.. get off my fucking e-nuts.

...or hey.. stay on em.. i understand you love me and secretly strive to be dirt-caliber... but, its not looking good dude.. you're way too brain-dead and dopey to impact anyone with words. stick to drywall or landscaping or whatever it is you do best. pool maintenance?

please, keep talking sass, sass-face... please, PLEASE be that stupid. i'd love the opportunity to continue owning you. maybe i'll get you fired and just for the purpose of a funny blog, apply for a job as a nurse at your hospital.

dirt focker... now that has a nice ring to it.

...oh you dont think i could get you fired? ask sagien about the importance of not posting slanderous shit from your place of employment. he'll tell you a story thats similar to yours, sans doo-doo feces, urine, old people stink and other various medical waste.

sincerely better than you in every conceivable way,

nick <3

ps - when you shorten "they" and "are", you get "they're"... you probably remember that from 3rd grade.. its too bad the spell check you used on those 4 sentences didnt pick up the remedial grammar errors. you cant even get through 4 sentences? incredible world we live in.

pps - LURKING ME MAKES YOU TALENTED

ppps - you shouldve given up coming on ISSF and posting anything after you tried to do that under the pseudonym, "NEMESIS" and got laughed at and ridiculed by every single person that is connected to this blog. there are very few prerequisites (google it if you dont know what it means) to posting here and they are that you have half a brain, are able to formulate proper sentences and dont eat crayons. i dont think i've seen comments from half the people that were making fun of you for years. its amazing how they came out of the woodwork to label you retarded. stick to what you do best... living in a delusional world of greatness, accomplishment and intelligence and everything will work out fine for ya.

seatbelts killed my father... and raped my mother.

SEAT BELTS WILL DO THIS TO YOU

SEAT BELTS FTW





I don't like wearing seatbelts. if i am involved in a horrible car crash, i want to experience that shit first hand without the involvement of any type of restraints. seatbelts can fuck you up.. did you know that %47 of all car crashes involving seatbelts result in problems directly relating to the seatbelt?** but of course, once again, the man has to bring me down.

50 dollars for not wearing my seatbelt. thats 50 frosty's.

i could use that money for positive things like kites and glitter... but instead, i now have to pay the government 50 jr bacon cheeseburgers so they can turn around and spend it on constructing elaborate plans to kill americans in terror attacks they blame on islamic radicals.

but i digress.. why is this a law?

if i chose to not wear a seat belt, i am only affecting me... sure, there's that off chance that i get ejected from a speeding car and land on a group of little girls playing hopscotch, paralyzing 2 and killing 1... but thats a stretch.

so i decided to wage war on seat belt laws.

the first thing you do when waging a ridiculous, pseudo-pointless war is come up with a ridiculous, pseudo-pointless stance on why the enemy (seat belt laws) needs to be eviscerated..

in this case, i chose to call it "unconstitutional". but how can i link seat belt laws to the constitution?

the key is women... stupid, money-hungry, disease-twat females.

abortion is constitutionally protected because its a woman's body and she has the "right to choose"

so, if women can choose to have a guy shove a vacuum up her cootch and suck out little jamaal muhammed jr, why can't i choose to not wear a seatbelt?

women can murder their offspring, but i cant choose to not wear a seatbelt.

I CALL SHENANIGANS

and to make matters worse, my girlfriend, (who blew through a red light sans a brake light) being an attractive girl, didnt get any tickets.

fuckin' baby-killin' women.

** = this is not true at all.

OK, I GET IT.. YOU WORK AT A SHITHOLE BURGER JOINT

if you get the opoortunity to visit 5 Guys Hamburgers And Peanuts in Somers Point, NJ.... stab the bitch that offers up that dumb idea.

I walk in the door with sagien.. I am baked out of my mind and plan to order a burger and sit down and eat it.

the second i walk in i'm getting screamed at by some fucking dude that is apparently very happy that I decided to eat a burger in his place of work.

"WELCOME TO 5 GUYS!" , 3 to 4 peons exclaim in my face from behind the counter.

thanks. i saw the sign. i know exactly where i am, everyone.

at this point i am completely off balance. why is this guy yelling at me?

i approach the counter, making eye contact with no one.. not because i'm anti-social, but because everyone is screaming.

"ORDER TWEEEEEEEEENTY SEVEEEENNN! TWEEENTY SEEVEN!"

i see that i am not the only person being screamed at.

"WELCOME TO 5 GUYS" screams the person behind the cash register.

"I feel very welcome, thank you, please stop yelling at me. I want a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke."

"ORDER UP!!"

"ORDER UP!!", some other asshole barks back to acknowledge the fact that the piece of paper placed 3 feet from his fucking face was, in fact, an order.

sagien orders his food and we sit down to wait for our take-out.

but wait, didnt you say you were going to sit and eat?

i did, but all the fucking yelling made me teeter on the border of wanting to hit somebody and just wanting to leave this place as soon as possible.. seriously, you dont yell like that unless you are hitting or plan to be hitting someone in the near future. i felt threatened.

so through the fog of marijuana, i settle myself in a decide it's time to look around.. as i havent looked at anything since being verbally assaulted the second i walked in the door.

peanuts and peanut shells everywhere.

all over the floor. theres a tiny bucket of peanuts on every table and in case thats not enough, theres a huge bag of them (which i can only assume to be a "bushell") by the front door.

good move putting the peanuts right next to the entrance... this way, the class-level is well established right away.

"ORDER THIRTYYYY SEVENNNNN. THIIIIIIRRRRRRTYYY SEEEEEVVEEEEEN"

thats me... now at this point, i feel like kicking someone in the face... and its gonna be the hairy-faced pleeb that is yelling louder than everyone else.

not that you could distinguish which person i'm talking about by just that description.. as they are all unshaven and dirty looking... and handling my food.

bonus.

so i ascertain my sandwhich from the dwarf bastard nazi behind the counter and he yells something about the other order (sagien's) coming right up. i get my drink and sit back down at the table.

i verbally announce to sagien my stance, that these people all need to get the shit kicked out of them untill they shut the fuck up. he laughs.

"THIIIIIRTYYY EIIIIIIGHTTT! THIIIIIIIRTYYY EIIIIIIIIGHT!"

ok.

dude, i just talked to you. i know the next orders coming up and its sagiens. I AM FULLY FUCKING AWARE OF THIS.

i realize that this retaurant obviously was originally from boston or chicago, or some whack-job fucking town where it is imperative to throw fish at the customer instead of walking it over to them or scream at everyone that walks in... but it is not acceptable in New Jersey.

it is not fun, free-spirited or showing me that your 8 dollar burgers are any better than the 1 dollar cheeseburgers from McDonalds.

walk into any McDonalds... youll be lucky if you get fragments sans ebonics, let alone complete sentences. the people that work there are worried about getting crack, selling crack, or fucking a fat white girl.

i dont want to walk into a restaurant where everyone is having fun and yelling and running around... i am miserable at work. i hate my job and my life.

i expect you to feel the same, or at least make an effort to not fucking yell at me when i enter.

imagine, say, a nurse being that excited... "HELLO MISTER DIRT! I CANT WAIT TO CLEAN YOUR FECES AND VOMIT FROM THE FLOOR AND YOUR PILLOW!"

i would find that very disturbing.

"THANKS FOR CHOOSING 5 GUYS! ENJOY YOUR FOOD!!!!", i somewhat hear as i quickly walk out the door.

jesus christ.