[D1RT]

ALBUM REVIEW: CALL THE PARAMEDICS: YOU BETTER BRING A HELMET

I was given a copy of Call The Paramedics' yet-to-be-released album, "You Better Bring A Helmet" to review...

I think I'm going to start doing more local band reviews.

If you're in a band and you want me to review your CD, contact me on myspace or via email (the links are on the side.) and I'll give it an honest listen. If you're going to get all bent if i give it a bad review, don't bother.

YOU BETTER BRING A HELMET

TRACK LISTING:
1. Probably The Best Song On The Album
2. You Better Bring A Helmet
3. Lets Huff Gas
4. Roadside Memorial Runover
5. Fire In The Hole
6. Poop Chutes And Ladders
7. My Name Is Asshole
8. Prison Bitch
9. Grab Your Spoons And Lighters, It's Time To Rock
10. Highest Power
11. Allen Rothenberg Is Your Injury Lawyer
12. It's Not Rape, It's Surprise Sex
13. Every Time My Bag Slaps Her Ass The Lights Flicker
14. Meals On Wheels
15. If My Aunt Had Balls She'd Be My Uncle
16. I Just Stubbed Your Camel Toe
17. No Snow, No Show
18. Call The Paramedics
19. Only Users Lose Drugs
20. Nothin Says Lovin Like A Concussion
21. Jerk On, Not Off
22. The Hardest Thing About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay

"ROCK AND ROLL JUGGERNAUT" - from 'Grab Your Spoons And Lighters, It's Time To Rock'

I have to give you a little background on Call The Paramedics.. They are not your typical local south jersey metal (and i use the term 'metal' loosely) bullshit.. They do not dress like women or wear makeup on stage to be "provocative". They don't play in a fresh new pair of Diesel jeans and spend more time on their hair than their groupies. Their drummer does not need to be lowered into his kit via crane. They do not spend half their set talking about their myspace page and how many friends they have... They set out to do more than make emo faggots in girls pants flail about in a circle at shows... They want to look off stage to more than a group of sullen post-post-goth trendsters lookin all "skinny puppy" and shit...

They want to see a fucking massacre, and thats what they get.

Call The Paramedics brings a brutal display to every show they play, whether its Shlak on-stage bleeding all over the monitors, scantily-clad, sexified nurses go-go dancing on stage (SEE PIC) or some retard getting knocked out in the pit.. (SEE VIDEO) Call The Paramedics breaths some new life into a local scene who's metal genres have been poisoned with prog bullshit, fag haircuts and trite gimmicks.

"NO FUCKIN WEAK SHIT, ONLY HI-TEST" - from 'Let's Huff Some Gas'

The album is a 33 minute assault on your face. It starts out strong (after a 20 second intro track that samples Beyond Thunderdome.. Fucking A.) with the title track "You Better Bring A Helmet", an anthemic, pump-your-fist, shout-the-words-while-kicking-handicapped-children kinda song and never loses that momentum throughout the entirety of the album. Describing the type of music they play is fucking impossible... I've heard it described as "Death Rock", a compromise between Death Metal and Rock N Roll... I think that's about the closest I've come to an accurate description. It's a very unique, fast-paced thrash-influenced brand of metal.

Individually, all the members bring a distinct talent to the songs. Wood, the newest member of the CTP crew, shows he can hold his own by stepping in to replace their last drummer on this album. Thumping tempo-driving double bass and tight usage of the entire kit is what you get from this guy. Combine that with Drew's lightning fast, at times almost lead bass runs, and you've got yourself a concrete back-bone. On top of that, Rob combines a perfect blend of sloppy leads and rock solid rhythms that brings the whole sound together perfectly. And the coup de grace.. Shlak's brutal and unparalleled vocals add lung-collapsing screams and a level of sonic violence uncommon in most heavy music today. No faggoty-ass Atreyu bullshit here.

"COULDNT GET MILD; I HAD TO GET HOT" - from 'Fire In The Hole'

I straight-up love this album. The amount that this band grew since their last release (aptly titled, "You Guys Can't Play Here Anymore") is crazy. The song structures on this album are well thought out and not your run-of-the-mill, "wall-of-noise" metal bullshit (SEE: PRETTY MUCH EVERY OTHER METAL BAND IN SOUTH JERSEY). These guys get it. Really, all it takes for me to label a band "shit" is a 7 minute prog song, boring parts that go nowhere, or absolutely no overall flow. Their songs are short and to the point.. Unfortunately, the point is an icepick aimed at your skull. Musically, their parts are interesting and are always GOING SOMEWHERE. So many bands don't understand that if the parts aren't GOING anywhere (no resolve, no build-ups. no breakdowns, etc), then neither are you and you should sell your Jackson right now because i fucking hate you. I'm a huge fan of the slow breakdown and this album is home to a handful of great ones, especially on "Let's Huff Gas". ATTN: METAL BANDS: Re-listen to the slow outro to "Let's Huff Gas". That's what fuckin metal is supposed to sound like.

When you hear an album by a band on the heavier, death-metal-ly side, especially an unsigned band, its basically the same song 17 times at different, but similar tempos with different but similar incoherent words/meters. This album does not follow suit. Though a lyric sheet is definitely recommended, it's not needed to appreciate the mix of brutality and humor contained in the lyrics. But what impressed me the most, is that every song maintains the "Call The Paramedics" sound, without being redundant. Every song has it's own flavor. "It's Not Rape, It's Surprise Sex" sounds like a country of rapists' national anthem, complete with group refrains.. "Jerk On Not Off" makes you want to go to the nearest mall and find a victim and "My Name Is Asshole" will make you count the minutes until the next time you can be an asshole to the general public.

"GO BACK AND DO DONUTS, JUST IN CASE" - from 'Roadside Memorial Runover"

It's hard to narrow down my favorite tracks on this album, as it's one of those albums you have to just listen to in its entirety... THE WHOLE FUCKING THING IS GREAT. But if I had to choose, I'd say some of my favorites are "My Name Is Asshole", "Nothing Says Lovin Like A Concussion", "Lets Huff Gas", "It's Not Rape; It's Surprise Sex" and "Fire In The Hole"

I'm really impressed by the work these guys did. It's one thing to have a great live show, its another to have great recorded material.. It's very rare that local, unsigned bands have both. These guys do it right. I can honestly say, they are one of the only bands around that bring the shit live AND on record. I suggest you pickup their CD and check out a show.. But if you do....

..what? you thought i was gonna say "you better bring a helmet"?

nah, i was gonna say if you do, smoke a bunch of dust and meth and shit before the show.

but yea, you probably wanna bring a helmet, too.

word.

Call the Paramedics set at the Skate and Music Jam 07' in Atlantic City, NJ.
(Watch the retard get knocked out at the end)

Call The Paramedics At The House Of Blues
(Watch for the look on the black security guard at the end. HAHAHA.
I think Shlak bled on his cornrows or something.)

Check Out CALL THE PARAMEDICS at the following sites:
http://myspace.com/calltheparamedics
http://calltheparamedics.com