you should be happy hillary isnt out of the race yet... the reality is, she has a far better shot at becoming president than barrack obama.

whether or not she'd be a better president than obama, who knows... everyones so quick to point out JFK's little experience and youth and blah blah blah well guess what... he got shot. so in the end, I guess his presidency wasnt all that fucking great, was it? forget the wasted years he spent fucking marilyn monroe while fucking things up in cuba and furthering the cold war versus the whopping 1 year he spent back ON TRACK after he got his head (top head) straight.

if you ask me, its always the giant douche vs the turd sandwich theory in politics. and party primarys are no exception.

...hopefully i wont have to turn in my "citizens who know nothing about politics but support barack obama out of sheer igorance to reality club" discount card... i was enjoying the %10 off at Subway and Liberal Gap.

ah someday my humor will be exalted.

buck-up, he'll probably be the running for vice president.. they can call it the "jungle fever" ticket.

I was given a copy of Call The Paramedics' yet-to-be-released album, "You Better Bring A Helmet" to review...

I think I'm going to start doing more local band reviews.

If you're in a band and you want me to review your CD, contact me on myspace or via email (the links are on the side.) and I'll give it an honest listen. If you're going to get all bent if i give it a bad review, don't bother.

TRACK LISTING:
1. Probably The Best Song On The Album
2. You Better Bring A Helmet
3. Lets Huff Gas
4. Roadside Memorial Runover
5. Fire In The Hole
6. Poop Chutes And Ladders
7. My Name Is Asshole
8. Prison Bitch
9. Grab Your Spoons And Lighters, It's Time To Rock
10. Highest Power
11. Allen Rothenberg Is Your Injury Lawyer
12. It's Not Rape, It's Surprise Sex
13. Every Time My Bag Slaps Her Ass The Lights Flicker
14. Meals On Wheels
15. If My Aunt Had Balls She'd Be My Uncle
16. I Just Stubbed Your Camel Toe
17. No Snow, No Show
18. Call The Paramedics
19. Only Users Lose Drugs
20. Nothin Says Lovin Like A Concussion
21. Jerk On, Not Off
22. The Hardest Thing About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay

"ROCK AND ROLL JUGGERNAUT" - from 'Grab Your Spoons And Lighters, It's Time To Rock'

I have to give you a little background on Call The Paramedics.. They are not your typical local south jersey metal (and i use the term 'metal' loosely) bullshit.. They do not dress like women or wear makeup on stage to be "provocative". They don't play in a fresh new pair of Diesel jeans and spend more time on their hair than their groupies. Their drummer does not need to be lowered into his kit via crane. They do not spend half their set talking about their myspace page and how many friends they have... They set out to do more than make emo faggots in girls pants flail about in a circle at shows... They want to look off stage to more than a group of sullen post-post-goth trendsters lookin all "skinny puppy" and shit...

They want to see a fucking massacre, and thats what they get.

Call The Paramedics brings a brutal display to every show they play, whether its Shlak on-stage bleeding all over the monitors, scantily-clad, sexified nurses go-go dancing on stage (SEE PIC) or some retard getting knocked out in the pit.. (SEE VIDEO) Call The Paramedics breaths some new life into a local scene who's metal genres have been poisoned with prog bullshit, fag haircuts and trite gimmicks.

"NO FUCKIN WEAK SHIT, ONLY HI-TEST" - from 'Let's Huff Some Gas'

The album is a 33 minute assault on your face. It starts out strong (after a 20 second intro track that samples Beyond Thunderdome.. Fucking A.) with the title track "You Better Bring A Helmet", an anthemic, pump-your-fist, shout-the-words-while-kicking-handicapped-children kinda song and never loses that momentum throughout the entirety of the album. Describing the type of music they play is fucking impossible... I've heard it described as "Death Rock", a compromise between Death Metal and Rock N Roll... I think that's about the closest I've come to an accurate description. It's a very unique, fast-paced thrash-influenced brand of metal.

Individually, all the members bring a distinct talent to the songs. Wood, the newest member of the CTP crew, shows he can hold his own by stepping in to replace their last drummer on this album. Thumping tempo-driving double bass and tight usage of the entire kit is what you get from this guy. Combine that with Drew's lightning fast, at times almost lead bass runs, and you've got yourself a concrete back-bone. On top of that, Rob combines a perfect blend of sloppy leads and rock solid rhythms that brings the whole sound together perfectly. And the coup de grace.. Shlak's brutal and unparalleled vocals add lung-collapsing screams and a level of sonic violence uncommon in most heavy music today. No faggoty-ass Atreyu bullshit here.

"COULDNT GET MILD; I HAD TO GET HOT" - from 'Fire In The Hole'

I straight-up love this album. The amount that this band grew since their last release (aptly titled, "You Guys Can't Play Here Anymore") is crazy. The song structures on this album are well thought out and not your run-of-the-mill, "wall-of-noise" metal bullshit (SEE: PRETTY MUCH EVERY OTHER METAL BAND IN SOUTH JERSEY). These guys get it. Really, all it takes for me to label a band "shit" is a 7 minute prog song, boring parts that go nowhere, or absolutely no overall flow. Their songs are short and to the point.. Unfortunately, the point is an icepick aimed at your skull. Musically, their parts are interesting and are always GOING SOMEWHERE. So many bands don't understand that if the parts aren't GOING anywhere (no resolve, no build-ups. no breakdowns, etc), then neither are you and you should sell your Jackson right now because i fucking hate you. I'm a huge fan of the slow breakdown and this album is home to a handful of great ones, especially on "Let's Huff Gas". ATTN: METAL BANDS: Re-listen to the slow outro to "Let's Huff Gas". That's what fuckin metal is supposed to sound like.

When you hear an album by a band on the heavier, death-metal-ly side, especially an unsigned band, its basically the same song 17 times at different, but similar tempos with different but similar incoherent words/meters. This album does not follow suit. Though a lyric sheet is definitely recommended, it's not needed to appreciate the mix of brutality and humor contained in the lyrics. But what impressed me the most, is that every song maintains the "Call The Paramedics" sound, without being redundant. Every song has it's own flavor. "It's Not Rape, It's Surprise Sex" sounds like a country of rapists' national anthem, complete with group refrains.. "Jerk On Not Off" makes you want to go to the nearest mall and find a victim and "My Name Is Asshole" will make you count the minutes until the next time you can be an asshole to the general public.

"GO BACK AND DO DONUTS, JUST IN CASE" - from 'Roadside Memorial Runover"

It's hard to narrow down my favorite tracks on this album, as it's one of those albums you have to just listen to in its entirety... THE WHOLE FUCKING THING IS GREAT. But if I had to choose, I'd say some of my favorites are "My Name Is Asshole", "Nothing Says Lovin Like A Concussion", "Lets Huff Gas", "It's Not Rape; It's Surprise Sex" and "Fire In The Hole"

I'm really impressed by the work these guys did. It's one thing to have a great live show, its another to have great recorded material.. It's very rare that local, unsigned bands have both. These guys do it right. I can honestly say, they are one of the only bands around that bring the shit live AND on record. I suggest you pickup their CD and check out a show.. But if you do....

..what? you thought i was gonna say "you better bring a helmet"?

nah, i was gonna say if you do, smoke a bunch of dust and meth and shit before the show.

but yea, you probably wanna bring a helmet, too.

word.

Call the Paramedics set at the Skate and Music Jam 07' in Atlantic City, NJ.
(Watch the retard get knocked out at the end)

Call The Paramedics At The House Of Blues
(Watch for the look on the black security guard at the end. HAHAHA.
I think Shlak bled on his cornrows or something.)

Check Out CALL THE PARAMEDICS at the following sites:
http://myspace.com/calltheparamedics
http://calltheparamedics.com

(composite sketch)

not sure that it was definitly a mouse and not an acid flashback, i stuck around the kitchen in silence awaiting to get visual confirmation.

i sat there for about 8 minutes and the phone rings.

i go get the phone and glance back toward the kitchen and i see the little mouse run back the other way with what appeared to be a "ghetto limp"

so i immediately flip out (i had a bad mouse experience once when i was younger and it has scarred me for life) and start throwing random objects, not even at the mouse so much as at the kitchen area.

after a little while i get off the phone and head out of my room (where i fled) and that little cocksucker tried to broadside me and force his way into my room

as i remember, the mouse was black/black-grey (possibly a mulatto), had some bangin' tiny gold fronts, and told me to "run my pockets" and that he was "out for dolo" whatever that means. then he flashed what looked like a tiny gun and grabbed his tiny mouse crotch. he then said something about his "ryde or die miggas" (i checked wikipedia and apparently a "migga" is a "mouse nigga") and told me "not to front on him" right before disappearing under the stove.

after consulting some of my black friends, i learned that the people i previously considered my black friends were in fact white and offered no help.

but here's what i know from my vast experience in stereotyping- black people that act like that usually are in some kind of gang or latch-key program and thus leads me to believe there is in fact, more than one of these beasts "holding down" my "crib"

if anyone knows any aryan mice (or even KKK mice, despite their total redneckery) please send them my way and help me ethnically cleanse my house.

ps - i already tried burning a tiny toothpick cross in the living room.

(fictional and non-fictional)

(yes, this includes Corky from Life Goes On)

Posted by: Potty Trained at January 31, 2007 06:51 PM

the following is my response)

you are the most obnoxious, boring, full of shit, annoying motherfucker on the planet. i mean, everyone knows that.. its not like im just pulling that out of the air.. this is not a radical thought. i am not shocking anyone with this statement. just because your "friends" dont tell YOU that, doesnt mean they dont laugh at your lame ass. every single person that i know that knows you seems to have the same reaction when they bring you up... and believe me, its not flattering.

but thats not whats funny.. whats funny is that you're dumb enough to leave that message from your work.

i mean, obviously you're too big of a faggot to put your real name in there.. i mean, thats obvious.. but the fact that you're stupid enough to not realize how easily someone intellectually superior to you (me, cameron diaz, etc.) could find that information, contact your work & ISP and get your doofy ass fired from your job cleaning up peoples shit and vomit... now thats humor.

speaking of people who clean up shit and vomit, how the fuck can you talk shit on me? you're supposed to be wiping up shit, not talking it. shouldnt you be doing that now? i mean, you are at work. dont you have something better to do? christ, go pretend like you're a valued member of the hospital staff and not just a yo-boy.

also, you need to get your facts straight... i have a license, i also have a car.. in all honesty, i havent gotten it insured yet, but hey... at least my job has nothing to do with random people's feces or vomit... also, i come home from work smelling of awesome, not piss.

as far as erectile dysfunction goes... though i cant remember a specific time i have gone soft mid-sex, what can i say.. YOU GOT ME. IM 25 WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. lol.... if it actually did happen, i was on drugs... pills, coke, heroin, whatever... or maybe i just dont like having sex with a dead broad. who knows, either way i can understand how my penis is a point of envy for you.. i dont blame you, it is a spectacle and a tough act to follow, little fella.

as far as the bandana goes, why would i want to do something thats "in" or "back"? i prefer to leave shit like world religions, different lame ass karate styles, trends, tae-bo and diggereydoo playing to no-talent ass clowns like you... didya get the reference? probably not. taking fashion advice from you is like taking tennis lessons from freddie mercury's aids infested corpse.. do you remember that fuckin Frasier Crane jacket you used to wear out to the bars? heres a hint: its the one that made you look like the biggest fucking tool in the bar... yeah... thats a classic piece.. and in a beautiful shade of infant shit brown, to boot. point is, you're out of your element, donnie.

it must suck really really hard to want to be involved in music and not have a scrap of talent... seriously.. i feel for ya. maybe you should pickup one of those Esteban guitar/dvd/gig bag/tuner sets for $75... apparently you can master flamenco guitar in 3 weeks with it... though, i dont see that working.. maybe LAW will pickup a PVC pipe player? it surely could diversify their sound. but, ill tell ya what, ill try to keep you in my prayers during my next 3 month tour.. the only problem is, i dont pray to buddha or xenu or whatever bullshit religion you've subscribed to this year, so it may not work.

its kinda crazy that *name omitted* is still with you.. i mean, she must be sniffin glue. and i mean some fuckin industrial strength glue.. ya know, the kind you used to sniff back in the day in-between huffing cans of glade, ya fucking scum bag. its just a matter of time before she realizes that you are incredibly worthless and man, i wish i could be there at that exact moment to lap up your sweet, sweet tears. i bet they'd taste like victory... unfortunately, i'll be busy falling asleep watching my Journey DVD for the 754th (est.) time.

i could write for hours about you, your tiny penis that every ex girlfriend of yours talks about freely, your laughable job that you decided to do because your girlfriend does it (only shes a real doctor and youre just a perpetual poser), the shit weed you sell sagien (dont hospitals test their employees?), the way you long for acceptance (but never will actually get it because youre pretty much mentally challenged), your inability to say a complete thought without some sort of lie or bent truth involved (youve been hanging drywall since age 4!), the letter and flowers you sent to jess (that we also got a kick out of reading) that you later denied ever sending and many many other hilarious things...

but i have shit to do. i dont need to lurk you.. mainly because youre a loser, but also because i seriously am so above little piss clams like you, its laughable. i got billz n shit d00d. lurking on my blog isnt going to make your penis any larger. anytime you want to man up and talk some shit to my face ill be happy to introduce your teeth to the back of your head, but untill then.. get off my fucking e-nuts.

...or hey.. stay on em.. i understand you love me and secretly strive to be dirt-caliber... but, its not looking good dude.. you're way too brain-dead and dopey to impact anyone with words. stick to drywall or landscaping or whatever it is you do best. pool maintenance?

please, keep talking sass, sass-face... please, PLEASE be that stupid. i'd love the opportunity to continue owning you. maybe i'll get you fired and just for the purpose of a funny blog, apply for a job as a nurse at your hospital.

dirt focker... now that has a nice ring to it.

...oh you dont think i could get you fired? ask sagien about the importance of not posting slanderous shit from your place of employment. he'll tell you a story thats similar to yours, sans doo-doo feces, urine, old people stink and other various medical waste.

sincerely better than you in every conceivable way,

nick <3

ps - when you shorten "they" and "are", you get "they're"... you probably remember that from 3rd grade.. its too bad the spell check you used on those 4 sentences didnt pick up the remedial grammar errors. you cant even get through 4 sentences? incredible world we live in.

pps - LURKING ME MAKES YOU TALENTED

ppps - you shouldve given up coming on ISSF and posting anything after you tried to do that under the pseudonym, "NEMESIS" and got laughed at and ridiculed by every single person that is connected to this blog. there are very few prerequisites (google it if you dont know what it means) to posting here and they are that you have half a brain, are able to formulate proper sentences and dont eat crayons. i dont think i've seen comments from half the people that were making fun of you for years. its amazing how they came out of the woodwork to label you retarded. stick to what you do best... living in a delusional world of greatness, accomplishment and intelligence and everything will work out fine for ya.

the second i walk in i'm getting screamed at by some fucking dude that is apparently very happy that I decided to eat a burger in his place of work.

"WELCOME TO 5 GUYS!" , 3 to 4 peons exclaim in my face from behind the counter.

thanks. i saw the sign. i know exactly where i am, everyone.

at this point i am completely off balance. why is this guy yelling at me?

i approach the counter, making eye contact with no one.. not because i'm anti-social, but because everyone is screaming.

"ORDER TWEEEEEEEEENTY SEVEEEENNN! TWEEENTY SEEVEN!"

i see that i am not the only person being screamed at.

"WELCOME TO 5 GUYS" screams the person behind the cash register.

"I feel very welcome, thank you, please stop yelling at me. I want a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke."

"ORDER UP!!"

"ORDER UP!!", some other asshole barks back to acknowledge the fact that the piece of paper placed 3 feet from his fucking face was, in fact, an order.

sagien orders his food and we sit down to wait for our take-out.

but wait, didnt you say you were going to sit and eat?

i did, but all the fucking yelling made me teeter on the border of wanting to hit somebody and just wanting to leave this place as soon as possible.. seriously, you dont yell like that unless you are hitting or plan to be hitting someone in the near future. i felt threatened.

so through the fog of marijuana, i settle myself in a decide it's time to look around.. as i havent looked at anything since being verbally assaulted the second i walked in the door.

peanuts and peanut shells everywhere.

all over the floor. theres a tiny bucket of peanuts on every table and in case thats not enough, theres a huge bag of them (which i can only assume to be a "bushell") by the front door.

good move putting the peanuts right next to the entrance... this way, the class-level is well established right away.

"ORDER THIRTYYYY SEVENNNNN. THIIIIIIRRRRRRTYYY SEEEEEVVEEEEEN"

thats me... now at this point, i feel like kicking someone in the face... and its gonna be the hairy-faced pleeb that is yelling louder than everyone else.

not that you could distinguish which person i'm talking about by just that description.. as they are all unshaven and dirty looking... and handling my food.

bonus.

so i ascertain my sandwhich from the dwarf bastard nazi behind the counter and he yells something about the other order (sagien's) coming right up. i get my drink and sit back down at the table.

i verbally announce to sagien my stance, that these people all need to get the shit kicked out of them untill they shut the fuck up. he laughs.

"THIIIIIRTYYY EIIIIIIGHTTT! THIIIIIIIRTYYY EIIIIIIIIGHT!"

ok.

dude, i just talked to you. i know the next orders coming up and its sagiens. I AM FULLY FUCKING AWARE OF THIS.

i realize that this retaurant obviously was originally from boston or chicago, or some whack-job fucking town where it is imperative to throw fish at the customer instead of walking it over to them or scream at everyone that walks in... but it is not acceptable in New Jersey.

it is not fun, free-spirited or showing me that your 8 dollar burgers are any better than the 1 dollar cheeseburgers from McDonalds.

walk into any McDonalds... youll be lucky if you get fragments sans ebonics, let alone complete sentences. the people that work there are worried about getting crack, selling crack, or fucking a fat white girl.

i dont want to walk into a restaurant where everyone is having fun and yelling and running around... i am miserable at work. i hate my job and my life.

i expect you to feel the same, or at least make an effort to not fucking yell at me when i enter.

imagine, say, a nurse being that excited... "HELLO MISTER DIRT! I CANT WAIT TO CLEAN YOUR FECES AND VOMIT FROM THE FLOOR AND YOUR PILLOW!"

i would find that very disturbing.

"THANKS FOR CHOOSING 5 GUYS! ENJOY YOUR FOOD!!!!", i somewhat hear as i quickly walk out the door.

jesus christ.

"hey there...
so i read online that your gay and you have a fetish for asian guys
im no asian guy but i can sure as hell fuck the shit out of you...interested??"

my response:

"HAHAHAH NICE HAIR! HAHAHAHAH LOLOLOL

and it's spelled you're... thats what folks call a contraction.. you may have heard it before, circa 4th grade ya fucking dumbshit."

I never gave you permission to use my picture on your website and I respectfully ask that you take it down... Or, at least use a picture highlighting my striking features, perhaps one that is less flagrantly gay. I mean, I'm flattered that you would choose little old me for your gay blow jobs website, but I am really not gay... Sure, I've felt squirrelly at times and thrown a finger or two up my asshole.. But that hardly makes me gay.

In closing, I'll be pressing charges against your violation of my rights as a heterosexual man with glasses. You have two choices, 1) take it down immediately or B) give me free access to your gay blowjobs.

Sincerely Interested In Man on Man Fisting,
David Miller
(Rivers Huomo)

that man is me.

one of my biggest shortcomings is my explosive temper toward those who attempt to belittle or appear "better than" me or my closest friends... though very few of my friends would extend the same mindless loyalty back to me, for one reason or another, i still do it.

does that make me a good friend? sure. does that make me a huge asshole? certainly... does that make up for many of my other failures as both a friend and a human being? maybe....

but, that's not why i do it.

i do it because you will listen to what i have to say... and if you have something to say about it, you should bask in the 30 minutes of hubris you will feel prior to me seeing it and ripping you a new asshole.

so this is to you, you fake ass, untalented, preachy, insecure little 4 inch prick of a human...

...and before you say it, you're right, this is absolutely none of my business... but if you take a gander to my empty hand, youw ill see that my "care cup" is dry as a bone.

Meet The Rev. Matt Something Or The Other

this incredibly huge prick (figuratively speaking, of course), is best described as an archetype i have named "Marc Jacobs Faithful".

the "Marc Jacobs Faithful" archetype is the kind of person that, for one reason or another, wears religion like it's an accessory... like it's chanel earings, or a luis vuitton purse.. you can tell these people by their incessant need to preach (or on the internet, link) to people all their bullshit beliefs, just so they can seem "holier-than-thou". often times, these people have the most to mask, thus creating a costume of faithful, almost mindless, bliss to hide behind.

this fucking dweeb is married to a person that i have recently met and interacted with at various social functions. she's a nice girl, who is obviously very pure and in my opinion, the exact opposite of the "Marc Jacobs Faithful" archetype.

this girl is an unbelievably nice girl.. i say unbelievably, because i was not aware that there were people of that caliber of kindness left in the world. it doesn't take much longer than 5 minutes of her presence to understand what i mean.

she had developed a quote un-quote relationship with a good friend of mine, we'll call him "bomwat". a totally appropriate relationship without even the slightest hint of infidelity.

enter the douche.

since everyone's life is documented on myspace these days, this "beef" was no different... douchebag sends bomwat a message, that he obviously took 3 hours to write, rewrite, spell check and basically dress up, as to make himself appear intelligent and valid, basically telling him that he needs to stay away from his wife.

thats fine, and i can almost understand that... but his reasoning you ask?

bomwat is full of hate and is a bad influence on her. you see, he proudly proclaims that he and his wife live their lives strictly through the greatest fictional story of all time, The Bible. in the letter, he whines about her "spending way too much time on the internets" and how "he totally trusts her" and that "she had reconnected with all of her old friends from high school, and that took away from the 'balance' that was in place before".. in other words, she took a little bit of her attention away from him and he wants to cry like a fucking bitch.

i'll spare you the actual letter, as i have alot of words i want to spend bashing this fuckface cockmaster and dont need to mix them up with such bullshit. I probably wouldnt be involved in this if he hadnt gotten all preachy, and made sweeping generalizations about the people in bomwat and i's band, because we arent idiots like him (ie. we question the presence of any higher power.. especially the one he's currently in bed with, untill he switches teams for whatever the new "trendy" religion is)

now, i could sit here and go point for point on everything this coward had to say about jeff... i mean bomwat... everything he had to say about his intentions and all the little mainstream bible quotes he sent him, but i'm not going to do that...

you see, that would be way too mature and intelligent.

instead, let's go through the myspace cycle (reference: Will The Real MIKE UY Please Stand Up?) and make fun of him.

but please, let this also serve as a lesson in faith. the things outlined in this blog are fact. these things, his "reality" so to speak, is the same "reality" that every brainwashed idiot church fag shares. basically, when you fall into the ranks of the church folk, you give up your identiy and adopt one that is eerily similar to this one... and that my friends, is the definition of lame.

lets begin....

TO BE CONTINUED

Another man's path of questionable motives...

And yet ANOTHER man's path of misdirected anger and hatred toward overly religous imbeciles...

ARTIST RENDERING TO REPLACE PICTURE COMING




AN ISSF "JOIN TEH DRAMA" EXCLUSIVE...



COMING SOON....

it was a delusion that i took for granted...

meet mike uy.

upon seeing his site, i decided to go through my normal new myspace routine... that is where i get to know and then directly get to disliking a person vicariously through their myspace. it is pretty standard stuff, and i will break it down in steps.

STEP 1 - THE MAIN PIC/QUOTE AND GENERAL GIST

his main picture is himself doing what i like to call "waxing the male mechanic."

..thats when, because you have a penis, you crack open the hood of your/your life partner's car and look at it, as if looking at a fucking engine will ever do or tell you anything. i mean, sure itll tell you if, say, the alternator melted or the radiator is the cause of the bright green liquid your dog is licking off your driveway, but other than that, staring at an engine tells you very little. he appears to be deep in thought... as if thinking, "do i know a fucking thing about cars? i know about cooking rice... but this is somehow different... i think my soy sauce latte is a bit heavy on the mackarel"

THE REAL mike uy doesnt even pretend to know a thing about cars.

his quote, "if we don't say anything, nothing will change"

THE REAL mike uy is far above pointing out the obvious. saying that is like saying, "if i staple my balls to my dog, it will hurt" or "if i eat this lego, i will see it in my toilet somewhere down the line."

i notice his top 8 is comprised of mostly asians. way to be a racist, ya fuckin gook.

THE REAL mike uy knows no racial limits. his top 8 is a veritable cornacopia of ethnicity and may i just say, is frankly quite refreshing.

STEP 2 - VIEW MORE PICTURES

let's see just how high he rates on the "slant scale"

.... yea, that means he ranks a 10 out of a possible 9. wow it says porn in english and something about dogs or bonzai kittens in chinese. lets put it on myspace.

THE REAL mike uy only shows his heritage in photos with the occasional asian hat or ninja outfit. (please note: ninjas > chinese lettering)

shouldnt you be doing a rubicks cube? or making me a #38?

i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that an asian friend of yours took this picture in the middle of NYC. just a wild guess.

STEP 3 - MUSIC/MOVIES

MUSIC "JS Bach; Schubert; Tchaikovsky; Mahler; Mozart; Beethoven; Ravel; Debussy; Franz Ferdinand; Janet Jackson; The Beatles; Aretha Franklin; some Green Day; some The Temptations"

what a diverse musical taste.

THE REAL mike uy appreciates Journey. this guy is obviously an uncultured fuckhead.

MOVIES "Love Actually, Amelie, Moulin Rouge, Harry Potters"

typical asian... adding letters where they dont belong.. it's Harry Potter. not Potters. may i also point out that moulin rouge is fucking gay.

THE REAL mike uy spends alot of time on both wikipedia.com and dictionary.com.. thus, his spelling and pronunciation is dirt-approved.

STEP 4 - ABOUT ME/WHO I'D LIKE TO MEET

ABOUT ME "In my third year as a Cal student. My life is mostly about one thing, Anderson, my viola - and God of course. I live to travel - if I have one goal in life, it is to not live in any single place for more than 5 years. Next destination: I need to go to Europe. sn = pandaandahalf"

ok, if it isn't bad enough that he plays the Viola, he named it "anderson".. and who is this anderson he named it after? why, i'd say none other than one of his listed "heroes" - anderson cooper.

fuck anderson fucking cooper, go to europe.

THE REAL mike uy doesnt make goals. he's above that. he doesn't go to school.. he's above that too. and he sure as fuck doesnt play the viola.

WHO ID LIKE TO MEET "i'd rather live on false impressions than be disappointed by reality; except maybe Bruchner, he can improvise 10 part fugues on the organ - thats nothing short of amazing"

this guy is very unmotivated.. i bet with a little effort, he could EASILY learn how to improvise an amazing 10 part gay on the fagonet.

THE REAL mike uy knows his potential and he strives for it everyday... he doesnt go around giving mouth sex to every organist thats willing to perform for him.

STEP 5 - BLOG

it takes balls to say you're mike uy... this we know is true.

but, it takes uber nuts to blog under that name.

20th Birthday

Excuse me while i go pee after playing King's.

Paquito? what the fuck kind of name is that?

THE REAL mike uy knows no Paquito. nor is he ever surprised. mike uy's intellect is far beyond that of this imposter's. also, he doesn't say "much love".

STEP 6 - FRIEND REQUEST OR PROFANITY

this is it.. this is the final step of the myspace cycle. i dont feel right just looking at someones page and leaving.. i need to do something... either add him as a friend, or somehow torment him via a message. which did i pick?

you decide....

---------
To: Michael

you are a sadistic son of a bitch, pal.
----------

with any luck, that will confuse the shit out of him.

...but hiding it with a booze-fueled "DUDE whats up man i havent seen you in so long, how are you? oh yea i'm great, i'm working up in blahtown doing blah blah puke." demeanor.

everyone is guilty of these offenses.

i know i'm not the only person that, when faced with unpleasant encounters with idiots i didnt really even want to see in high school, tends to handle it with a cordial greeting directly followed with a "jesus christ i hate that retard" remark afterwards.

...it's not that i don't want to tell a retard that they're a retard... it's more like, i would tell you but every word i have to exhange with you makes me want to claw my eyeballs out of my face more than i allready do for showing up to this dumbshit festival every year. so normally, i try to keep the words to a minimum and be polite.

on the same thought, i swear to god, if i see my neighbor this year and he fucking starts talking to me again about bavarian creme donuts and how they're the only "true" donuts or whatever the fuck he was saying last year, i'm going to snap. I LIVE VERY FEW HOSUES AWAY FROM YOU. every year he manages to corner me for like 15 minutes and we discuss a new and completely irrelevant topic... like fruit bats...

or trampolines.

...how i learned to white water raft.

so heres my itinerary for tomorrow (it's the same every year)

8:00 pm - (the night before) talk about how i'm not going to bayfest this year. how i hate it. how i will not be seen there... how i dont even like to drink during the day.
10:00am - (bayfest day) pre-game! or whatever the new trendy word is for get drunk before you go get drunk.. (i always felt the most accurate term for it was "econo-sizing" .. as it's far more economical to get drunk at home before you go to the bar).
11:00am - i start feeling the effects of the EMB. (early morning boozin)
12:00pm - arrive at Bayfest and knock down the first rack of crafts i lay my eyes on, almost tasting the sweet tears of the children crying at the splintered wooden lighthouses and seashells.
12:02pm - feel bad for making the korean girl that was working the table cry. also, somewhat less for making the kid cry. will honestly do my best to not be an asshole anymore.
12:05pm - mock fat girl with "juicy" written on the ass of her jeans. whats with that anyway?
12:10pm - tell femminine male friend of "juicy's" that he's in the wrong place if he's looking for gayfest.
12:11pm - inform juicy's friend that gayfest is down by the circle and over that big bridge behind the sign that says "to ocean city".
12:30pm - arrive at Carolines.
12:31pm - leave Carolines because its fucking stupid.
12:45pm - jon dunne steals fake oakley glasses from street vendor. greg padulo laughs.
1:00 pm - make joke about Bubba Mac's with the punchline "but i don't dance with black chicks"
1:15 pm - arrive at Doc's.
1:30 pm - todd and i decide we want to leave.
1:31 pm - we continue to drink.
2:00 pm - semi-drunk, slurring speech, laughing at old people.
2:30 pm - leave Doc's, still not detained or showing signs of bruising.
2:40 pm - purchase crab cake for 6.50, saying "you're gonna fuck me and then not stay the night? thats pretty rude." over and over. most people dont get the joke, some do and don't laugh.
2:45 pm - throw the remains of the crab cake at the shitty blues band playing on the "beach".
2:46 pm - yell about how "this isnt a beach, its a fuckin litterbox" untill police tell me to keep walking.
3:00 pm - arrive at anchorage
3:01 pm - me and todd really wanna fucking leave
3:02 pm - we continue drinking
3:15 pm - starts getting hazy
3:?? pm - notice loud cover band playing linkin park
?:?? ?? - hit something? (it might be a beer truck)
??? - jesus christ why are they playing red house. actually its voodoo child. what the fuck?
??? - i hate bayfest
????? - ugh i hate fucking cover bands
g aegr - florists
efaefe - elephants, dancing clowns
?fwefew - somehow i'm back at fucing carolines?
egegfwe wg g - i fucking hate carolines
wfwefwef - something
34? - bedtime?
8:00 am - (shabbos, the jewish day of rest) wake up with a jaegermesiter lai on, laying on a cheese grater.
8:01 am - inspect genitals and exposed skin.
8:02 am - drink can of coke.
8:04 am - vomit.

and thus marks another, unforgettable (because it's unrememberable... i just blew your mind.) bayfest.

always the same dudes with the same girls, only the girls have gained 15 lbs. jesus christ STOP DRINKING BEER. what is wrong with you. Gaining 60 lbs between the ages of 21 and 22 is NOT NORMAL. IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE PILE OF 10 EMPTY SIERRA NEVADA BOTTLES NEXT TO YOU.

at least drink some aspen edge... what the fuck?

.....anyways, fuck it...

i aint goin this year.

it's a real real bitch to be workin' for the man
but shit, I do it well, so what the fuck
i could probably wash dishes at some other fuckin' dump
but it's all the same to me, bustin' ass to make a buck

so read 'em up and stick 'em
pump that fucker good
some woman down on Main Street needs a jump
get your fingers outta your ass
and pump some faggot's gas
and think about how bad New Hope sucks

and it's a piss poor life when the ladies fire you up
and then you check their oil and know you're fucked
cause no one wants a loser who works for 5 an hour
smells like gas, looks like shit, works in the rain and is rude as hell

now I can fix a tire like Hurricane Melinda
i know that I'm the best for what it's worth
so if I choose to help you don't look like you expect it
cause it's a gift that God gave me at birth

so read 'em up and stick 'em
pump that fucker good
some woman down on Main Street needs a jump
get your fingers outta your ass
and pump some faggot's gas
and think about how bad New Hope sucks

Sean Allen is the little homo that selectively recorded part of his teachers lecture, in which he referred to some things that George Bush had said in his state of the union address that sounded eerily like statements made by Hitler.

it was not one sided, and it was factual. some of the things the teacher pointed out WERE eerily similar to things said by Hitler. he did not make his opinion known, he simply said fact to his class room.

is that wrong? maybe... to me, polotics is bullshit. i follow it.. i probably know more about it than you, but i find it to be a giant conglomerate of retards babbling back and forth.

i needed answers... who is the man behind the tattle-tale? what makes him tick? he considers himself a standup comic, yet the writing on his myspace is full of bad grammar and a font size of about 6... generally that makes me think whoever owns that myspace is an idiot... is it true? i needed to find out.

so here is my lengthy, on topic, mature discussion with Mr. Sean Allen.

youre a punk ass little pussy and if you lived in jersey i would kick your face in.

wah i recorded my teacher because he has far left opinions.

wah im gonna tell my daddy and hes gonna send it to fox news so we can try to make some money off it.

let me guess... youre gonna write a book documenting your struggle getting through high school with such a dominant democratic opinion being thrown your way.

the world is full of retard liberals, dipshit... the world is also full of retard republicans (ie you; your father) if you have to drop out of a school because of a liberal point of view being pushed, youre going to have a wonderful career, begining in colorados finest technical school, learning how to fix VCR's.

if i have to look at your fucking face on fox news again im going to drive to colorado, find you, and gag you with my penis.

homo.

SEAN ALLEN

i'm reporting you to myspace.

DIRT

really? how totally out of character. i wouldnt expect a rat fink little pussy faggot from Colorado to do something like that. wah. pussy.

SEAN ALLEN

youre an asshole.