Namflow

[People I Hate] Brendon

Now, there's not a lot of people I hate. Sure I dislike some people, and a lot of people piss me off from time to time, but normally I'm quite forgiving (to a fault.) But let me introduce you to Brendon - the ALT who lives in the next town over. Reasons why I hate him...

Brendon - the hated one

- His Japanese is better than mine but he always complains, "I wish I had better Japanese, if I had better Japanese I could get more girls"

- He is to good to be called by his first name at school and insists that the other teachers and students address him by his last name

- Insists that he is a teacher, and should be treated and respected as such. He's very serious in school, demands respect, and doesn't joke around.

- I'm his only friend here, so he calls me at least 3 times a week to hang out.

- If he hears that I'm doing something fun (or even suspects I might be doing something fun) he'll invite himself along. Or even if he thinks that I might be doing something fun sometime in the future he'll invite himself along for when that time actually comes.

- He hits on every Japanese chick he sees with an absolutley miserable failure rate of 99.5%.

- He has no personality, no sense of humor, doesn't make jokes, always blabs on about his life and this and that and doesn't let me get a word in otherwise, and is just a generally uninteresting guy. like he'll tell me all about his "international relations" major or whatnot but it's like "dude I don't give a fuck about international relations or whatever, so don't bore me with that shit. I don't start talking to you about parsers and cs theory, you don't talk with me about your stupid i.r. either"

- He goes to the gym and is thus skinnier, stronger, and in better shape than I am.

- All my teachers joke with me, "Brendon is so much cooler than you are!" and "Brendon is really good looking."

- Once me, him, and alex were at a bar. Alex was talking to some chick that brendon was talking to but then brendon got up. brendon then sits back down next to her and puts his arm around her as if to say "she's mine, fuck off alex." this didn't piss alex off nearly as much as it did me.

- A normal night of going to a bar with him consists of the following:
Him: "Brendon need beer!"
Me: "Ok, let's go to a bar"
(at the bar)
Him: "Man, everyone here sucks, they have no personality, those girls are ugly, those boys are complete tools so I have no idea why the girls are with them. This place sucks, everyone is a clique and no one wants to talk with us"
Me: "uhh... yea"
Him: "Brendon drunk! I'm gonna go talk with those chicks"
(he starts a conversation with the chicks with an uber manly opener like "Excuse me, is it alright if I talk with you?" and continues the conversation with such witty conversation as "What are you drinking?", "You should drink some more", and "I'm a international relations major - let's talk about some international issues... (procedes to bore the hell out of them)
(5 minutes pass and the girls leave the bar, possibly scared away from him)
Him: "Man, I wish my Japanese was better. If I had better Japanese I could pick up chicks no problem."
Me: "You know, your Japanese is pretty good"
Him: "Yea I guess, but I wish I was fluent. It can be hard to (talk on the phone / make plans / communicate / do anything) with my Japanese"
Me: "well..."
Him: "And those girls were such bitches! and ugly too, and boring."
Me: "..."
Him: "No girls ever want to talk with me. No one at work wants to talk with me. The girls that work at the gym, they don't want to talk with me. I mean, they think I'm good looking, but they are pry just too scared to talk with me. And the girls here are just too snobbish to talk with anyone. bah this sucks, I'm going home"

and these are just little, itty bitty details about our friendship at its current standing. the start of our friendship is, perhaps, the worst start of a friendship in history. EVER. check it out...

Yukari and Me (she's kinda drunk there thus the goofy expression)

so brendon lives in the next town over but we didn't start hanging out until the "car incident." I was giving him a ride home from Fukui city and he started telling me about how he needed to buy a car. I told him my friend Yukari, a cute, sweet, charming, and completley wonderful 31 year old Japanese chick with awesome English was moving to England and needed to sell her car. (side note: Yukari's like one of my best Japanese friends, just cause she's really cool and her English is good and we talk about all sorts of stuff, a lot deeper stuff than I do with any other Japanese person) anyways, I told Brendon it was a good car (as Yukari had told me, and I trusted her) So I introduced them to eachother, he took the car for a test spin, and he ended up buying the car.

I had to convince him to buy the car, since he was really skeptical about buying used cars, afraid something would go wrong. He wanted to put in more money for a better guarantee on a good car. I said, "nah man this is a great deal, Yukari's a really honest awesome person, and the car is awesome - she told me she's had no problems with it. and your getting a good deal!" so after a lot of convincing that what he was doing was the right thing, he paid maybe $1.5k~$2k for it.

at some point during the process he told me, "yea I might be going out for drinks with Yukari sometime soon if you wanan come." I just kinda ignored him, but it pissed me off. I introduced him to her to buy the car, not to hang out. Maybe I'm being a bit possessive here, but ALTs can tend to be possessive of their Japanese chix0r friends here - it's just the way it is. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like you introduce your dude friend and your japanese chix0r friend and all of a sudden they are hanging out behind your back and it's like "wait a sec wtf is this!?!?!?"

so anyways brendon buys the car, and 3 days later he calls me
him: "yo dude I think the car has problems"
me: "dude it's fine"
him: "no really the car stopped and I had a hard time getting it to start again, and it's making funny noises"
me: "dude it's fine" (I'm really pissed cause I think he's just being paranoid)

the next day he calls me up...
him: "the car's dead"
me: "...... your shitting me"
him: "I shit you not"

so it turns out this car that he was afraid of buying, that I convinced him to buy cause I thought it was a good deal, ended up DYING on him 3 days after he bought it. and he kept calling me to bitch and complain and I got really pissed off cause even though I introduced the two to eachother, that was that. I told him I thought it was a good deal (which I did, and which it would have been if the car didn't fuck up.) so for the next 2 weeks before Yukari left for England I was playing messenger between yukari and brendon, each asking what they should do and what would be rude and not rudue and blah blah blah. I didn't mind telling yukari to not worry about brendon, but having brendonc all me over and over and over to bitch and bitch and bitch really pissed me off. once yukari even called me at like 3am on a worknight to ask for advice and I would have had no problem talking to her (had I actually answered the phone instead of turning it off in my sleep - I didn't even remember she called!)

but yea finally he left, 2 months go by, and Yukari has to come back to Japan to get her visa worked out. It was a secret and she told me not to tell anyone. I saw her twice, and each time I bitched to her about how brendon was a man-whore, how he'd go and hit on every chick he sees, and just going off on how he has no standards, he'll flirt with anything that moves, and that's all he does. Both times I saw her I went OFF on how there's only one thing brendon thinks of, and how it pisses me off and gives me a bad reputation for just hanging out with him.

so anyways one night brendon and I were drinking at a bar, I'm pretty smashed, and I get a email on my cell from yukari saying goodbye again and that she's going back to england. brendon was like "yo who was that?" and I was kinda drunk and figured there'd be no harm with telling him and I'm like "yo that was yukari, she's back in Japan to get her visa sorted out, she told me to keep it a secret."

brendon is kinda surprised by the news, thinks to himself a bit, and then is like "... can I tell you something?"
and I'm like "yea sure"
and he's like "I slept with her."

now, it's a good thing I was drunk here, cause if I wasn't I would have kicked the shit outta him, but instead I managed to channel my rage through my drunkenness into a faked plesant surprise, like "way to go dude!"

him: "man, I can't believe she didn't call me. she said she was really happy to meet me, and that she wished she had met me sooner"
me: "ehh, she was pry just busy"
him: "I slept with her twice"
me: (thinking) GRRRRRRR

then I flashed back to me telling yukari all about brendon and his pimping ways. or at least how much he tries to pimp and how that's the only thing on his mind. I didn't hold back AT ALL, and I can't imagine how uncomfortable I made her feel me telling her this guy she slept with is the biggest man whore out there who would sleep with anything, and everything, out there.

So that's how our friendship started: I convinced him to buy a car he didn't want that broke 3 days after he bought it, he lost a ton of money, and he fucked one of my friends. twice. now I'm convinced the only reason she slept with him twice was cause the first time was awful and she thought "man, this is supposed to feel good isn't it?" so she tried again and it was just as bad, if not worse.

you know, he tries soo hard with chicks and has such a miserable failure rate, I think the only piece of ass he's ever gotten in this country is a chick I introduced him to!

but since then I've come up with a new goal in life: to make brendon as miserable as possible while masquarading as his friend. this normally involves having more success with girls at the bar than him, even though I have worse Japanese and I'm fatter than he is. A great example of this is one night I imet 3 of my chix0r friends at the bar and he decided to invite himself a long. He was ignored by all of them (sooo many chicks are like mad interested in me and have no interest in talking with him and I bet it pisses him off.) anyways I convinced this chicks that I was strong and had muscle since I went rock climbing every Friday. Chick #1: "Really, where?" and she starts to feel my arm. Before long I have 3 chicks feeling my fatass for muscle and brendon is just staring in disbelief. I bet he was thinking "Man, my japanese is better than rich's, I'm in better shape than rich, wtf is this shit!?!?!" so he then asked, "Rich, why do you have 3 girls feeling you up in the bar?" I replied, "Because I'm a bastard."

Posted by namflow at May 30, 2005 09:39 AM