Namflow

The Tequila Story

The last thing I clearly remember from that night was standing up, going to the bar, and asking for a glass of water to try and prevent tomorrow's inevitable hangover. A hot chick heard me and said, "You're a man! You don't need water, you need more tequila!" She was hot so I listened to her and had my umpteenth shot of tequila. The next thing I knew I awoke in my apartment at oh god in the morning with quite the hangover. My house phone was ringing. "Shut up parents" I thought to myself as I unplugged the phone and went back to sleep. About an hour of drunken hungover sleep later I started to regain consciousness. I was in my bed, in my apartment, with no recollection of　leaving the bar, going home, or falling asleep. Ben, who went with me to the all you can drink party, was nowhere to be seen even though he was supposed to crash at my house. I had no idea where he was or what had happened. The only thing I knew was that my head was pounding and I had a sneaking suspicion something was wrong.

I called Ben to find out where he was. He was asleep on the train to Fukui from Mikuni. He didn't sound all that happy that I woke him and he kept the conversation short. The only thing he said before going back to sleep was a cryptic "I think you better call that hottie gym teacher of yours and say you're sorry." What the hell did I do the night before to necessitate an apology to the gym teacher? Me memory was blank. Shit. It was time to retrace what I could piece together of the previous night and try to remember what happened...

This story begins, as all good stories do, at the arcade. Alex and I were owning up n3wbz at Virtua Fighter 4 and I recaptured 10th dan with my Shun for the third time in a marathon of matches against this Lion player. After what was a good 45 minutes of kicking that Lion player's ass I went outside to catch some fresh air and I noticed that the hottie gym teacher (of “The Fudge Story” fame) had called. I called her back and she invited me to a party on Saturday at Cafe Sama Sama. Cafe Sama Sama is a small bar in Mikuni across from sunset beach run by one of the gym teacher's high school friends named Kouji. I said sure, but Alex couldn't make it cause he had to work the next day. She said it started at 9:00 and I said I'd be there.

The day before the party I got a call from Ben asking me what was up cause he was bored out of his mind without a driver's license and without the internet as he just moved into his new apartment. So I invited Ben to go to the party with me. He was down, I wasn't gonna be the only white dude there, everyone was happy. The night of the party came and Ben and I walked to Sama Sama. It was a decent walk from Sunny House, like 30-40 minutes, but none of us could drive since our licenses had expired. So we got to the bar at 8:45 and went in early. We were the only ones there, so we sat at the bar and let the party begin.

<"Lost style" flashback> The first time I went to Sama Sama was with the gym teacher after eating some delicious ramen at Iwamotoya in Fukui. I thought Sama Sama was a chill place, but I didn't have any alcohol because I drove there and I hadn't learned of the wonders of daiko yet. I stayed sober as she drank, and we got onto the discussion of boyfriends and girlfriends and the like. I had heard from Paul, then Mikuni Junior High School ALT, that she had a boyfriend but she said she was single. She said her dream was to have children. Then she proudly proclaimed, in English, "I want sperm!" She told me about some dude she was interested in, but the guy had 2 children of his own. "If I love him, then I love his children as well" she tried to convince herself. She also told me that at one time she thought she'd marry a foreigner. If this was a schoolgirl fantasy or based on an actual relationship with a gaijin gone bad who knows. I thought she was pretty awesome - she was gorgeous, tall, in shape, could play any sport, looked and acted no older than her early twenties even though she was 30, and had a good sense of humor. How could someone like that, who is actively trying to find a boyfriend, have so much trouble finding one? Then she asked about my love life and I said I was single. She asked if I left a girlfriend in America and I said no. She asked why not and I just shrugged. Then we made a cheezy pinky swear that we'd both do our best to find love. God it was cheezy, right out of a shojo manga or anime something.  And I thought to myself, "If this is really is a cheap manga love story, this promise means only one thing:  we're soooo gonna hook up”

At about 9:05 the gym teacher still wasn't there. Now if this was any normal person I'd just assume that they were late. However, she was really anal about being on time and calling if you're gonna be late and stuff like that. She once told me it was Japanese manners to be 5 minutes early. It was uncharacteristic of her to be late without calling, even if only 5 minutes, so I decided I should call her and see what's up. She said that she was in Fukui and that she'd be at Sama Sama in 40 minutes. I was like "WTF?!?!?" cause she told me the party started at 9. If I told her "Yea there's this party at this bar that starts at 9 wanna go?" and I wasn't there at 9 she'd KILL ME and then I'd be dead right now. I believe in the Golden Rule - you know, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Apparently, she does not...

<"Lost" style flashback #2> I was standing in the middle of a parking lot outside of an Italian restaurant in Fukui getting yelled at by the gym teacher. I had never seen her so angry. I accidentally ended up being late to a dinner and karaoke party which I had organized for her to meet my ALT friends and she was PISSED. She bitched at me "I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN AN ACCIDENT! YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME! YOU SAID YOU'D BE HERE IN 15 MINUTES BUT IT'S BEEN OVER 30! I CALLED YOU 3 TIMES AND YOU DIDN'T ANSWER I WAS SO WORRIED OMFG!!!1!!!!!!!!1!" Of course, all my reasons for being late such as "Traffic was really bad", "The movie ran late", "I left my lights on and my battery died and I needed a jump start", and "I didn't notice you called cause I was driving" were all met with even more bitchiness cause she hates excuses. All my friends in the restaurant saw this altercation through the window and both Ben and Rhen came out to calm her down and invite her into the restaurant, but her vengeful wrath frightened them away, leaving me alone to deal with her fury. She said she was going home and I supplicated as I had never supplicated before to get her to stay. She said, “I want to cry.” Eventually she decided to stay, but she did a really good job of ruining the atmosphere of the evening and making things really, really awkward for everyone involved. So much for introducing all my friends to this awesome teacher who I talked about so much.

At around 10:00 or so Ben and I decided to move to a table cause Sama Sama was pretty small, but filling up fast, and we wanted a spot to be able to sit and talk with the gym teacher when she got there. After a few minutes of sitting there a girl came up to us and was like "Can we use these chairs?" pointing to the extra ones at our table. We were like "yea sure." Turns out there were two Canadian exchange students (both dudes, around 17 and 18) and they were at the party with 3 chick friends of their host mother.

They all sat down and we started shooting the bull with the Canadian dudes. One of the chicks named Yuka was going on and on about how she was an English teacher but didn't have anyone to teach her and was looking for help. I was working on finishing my 3rd or 4th screwdriver as the bartenders started making their rounds with shots of tequila. To be honest I had never had much tequila before (deprived childhood, I know) so I took a shot from a little green cactus shot glass with no salt or lemon (aka "training wheels".) Time kept marching on, as did the delivery of more tequila shots. Soon it was 10:50 and I was drunk, pissed at the gym teacher for being so late, and thus drinking even more. I couldn't believe it was almost 11:00 and the gym teacher was no where to be found and she still hadn't called me. Remembering the karaoke incident and how she treated me made me even more upset. I went outside and called her again.

"I'm in Mikuni now, please wait for me! I'll be another 3 minutes." So I went back inside and everyone at the table was now aware of the fact the fact I was waiting for this chick friend of mine who was really, really late. A good 10 or 15 minutes later, and a good 2 hours after she said she'd be there, she arrived. Now I was quite drunk at this point, but I didn't bitch at her as she would have done to me if the positions were reversed. She sat down next to one of the Canadian dudes instead of next to me, even though peeps motioned for her to sit next to me, and said Canadian dude seemed kinda surprised.

So anyways I continued to drink and eventually the Canadian dude got up. I took a piss and got another screwdriver and sat down next to the gym teacher. So it was me, Ben, and her at the table now. She mentioned having to work early the next day but offered to drive me and Ben home as some kind of apology for being late. I think she sensed how pissed off I was, and perhaps she felt awkward herself for being so late, so conversation between me and her was strained at best. She ended up talking with Ben as I worked on my screwdriver, staring into space wondering where my next drink would come from.

Then Yuka sat next to me, put her head on my shoulder, and said (in English), "This is my new boyfriend." That’s where things got fuzzy. I remember sitting next to Yuka for a bit, I remember getting up to ask for water and having some other hot chick tell me I needed more tequila, and I remember asking for a screwdriver but the all you can drink part of the party was over. Then I just sorta woke up at my home, with no recollection of actually getting there, as one does when one blacks out, or as I like to call it, "time travels."

That's all I could remember. I got a hold of Ben later in the day and he filled me in on what exactly happened. The rest of this story is details provided by Ben. Just to make it clear, to this day, I remember NONE of this.

Apparently after Yuka proclaimed me to be her new boyfriend I put my arm around her and we started talking. I learned that Yuka was 26, married, and had a kid. Upon hearing this the first thing I did was turn to the gym teacher and rub it in her face by telling her, "Hey did you know Yuka here is only 26? (younger than you!)  And she's married!  And she has a kid!!! (two of your lifelong dreams you've yet to accomplish!)" I bet that made the gym teacher happy. A whiles later I was getting a little bit friendly with Yuka in a corner of the bar. I dunno if I actually hooked up with her because, as Ben put it, "I kept trying not to look at you and Yuka, and I was too busy trying to keep the gym teacher from looking."

Eventually the "all you can drink" portion of the party ended. The gym teacher said it was time to go because she was gonna drive us home and she had to work tomorrow. I was still getting my snuggle on so I had no intention to leave. Instead, I demanded that the gym teacher get me another screwdriver with the most badass Japanese I knew at the time, "スクリュードライバー持って来い!”　(Get me a screwdriver biatch!) And she listened! Since the "all you can drink" part of the party was over she paid for the screwdriver out of her own wallet and delivered it to me herself.

The gym teacher kept telling me how she had work the next day and how she had to get up early in the morning. At first Ben kept telling her that we'd take a taxi home and that she should go. She stayed and insisted on getting me to leave. I didn't want to - I was milking my screwdriver. After an hour or so Ben realized that the gym teacher wasn't gonna leave without me, and I wasn’t about to leave without finishing my screwdriver. In a wise move Ben said, "If you don't drink that screwdriver in 1 minute the bar will explode!" Of course, I couldn't let that happen, so I pounded the screwdriver and saved everybody's life. Then I stood up to leave and as I started to say goodbye everyone said, "No! Rich, you can't go, you gotta stay!" so I turned around and told the gym teacher, "They told me I gotta stay! :)" and I sat back down. At this point she started punching me. And kicking me. Hard. Eventually I got up and Ben and her helped me to her car cause there was no way I could stand on my own. She put me in the back seat cause she was so angry she didn't want to see me. The whole way home she kept yelling at me to shut up and I kept yelling back "Why should I shut up!?!?!" I was coughing a bit during the drive home so once we got home Ben checked her car for throw up, which he didn't find. Ben got me into my apartment and I passed out on the ground. Maybe 10 minutes later the gym teacher called Ben to make sure I was okay.

"Shit, that's pretty bad" I thought to myself. Later in the day I saw Yukari, the gym teacher's best friend. She came over to my place and confirmed everything Ben had told me but in a less sugar coated fashion. She also added one juicy tidbit (pun intended) that Ben had not: I left the gym teacher a present in her car. Turns out when Ben searched for vomit he must have missed a spot. Oppsie! Better out than in, that's what I say! Yukari listened to my side of the story and actually agreed it wasn't entirely my fault. The gym teacher was 2 hours late, she could have left the bar whenever she wanted to, she didn't have to wait for me cause I coulda taken a taxi home, and she most certainly didn't have to buy me another screwdriver when I had clearly had more than enough to drink. Yukari said that the gym teacher wasn't always right, but warned me not go use the fact that she was late as an excuse cause she'd get even madder. (She hates excuses just as much as she hates people who are late) After Yukari left I called the gym teacher to apologize. "Why did you take so long to call me?" she snapped at me after answering the phone. This was gonna be fun...

Epilogue:  Well, the underage Canadian kids had a pretty bad time with the tequila as well, in what was their first experience with alcohol. They spent the latter part of the party throwing up inside and outside of Sama Sama. Yuka is still married and still has a kid and is still younger than the gym teacher and occasionally goes to Sama Sama. The last time I saw her there she was putting the moves on the bartender Kouji (who is also married, and now a father). Yukari moved to England to study English and live with my predecessor. Ben is still awesome and quite a good sport for putting up with me when I get too drunk. (Thank you Ben!!!) I dunno what happened to that hot chick who convinced me to have even more tequila, but chances are she wasn’t half as hungover as I was.

As far as the gym teacher goes, she was pissed. She made me clean her car, and then she insisted I play tennis with her and some other teachers so she could humiliate me in front of them. (I suck at tennis) Eventually the school year started and she told all the other teachers what happened, although I'm sure her version of the story is totally biased to make it look like I was the bad guy! She was really bitchy to me, like if I'd say "Good morning!" to her she'd ignore me, but if I didn't greet her the moment I saw her she'd yell "What, no greeting!?!" and storm off. I thought she was still pissed so I just stopped talking to give her time to cool off thinking the ball was in her court. However, in her point of view I should have kept chasing her and talking to her while she ignored me in an effort to make things better, which I didn't do. We spent a good 2 months sitting next to each other in the teacher's room not talking. I thought she hated me and she thought I hated her. After a long, long time we finally got things sorted out. Sort of.

Now, there's a couple of morals to this story. The first might be not to drink because you are angry, especially if it's your first night with tequila Second would be to never drink so much that you lose your chance with a milf. Third would be there is no excuse for throwing up in another teacher’s car cause you drank too much, and if you do your whole school will know about it. Last, but certainly not least, a moral I should remember every night I go out – “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” But did I learn my lesson? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah lol. The End

Posted by namflow at May 29, 2006 07:28 AM