Namflow

Women and the men who beat them

So I was out getting a drink with one of my ex-coworkers a few Fridays ago. She's currently seeing some dude who I thought was pretty damned cool for a Japanese guy. She showed me some pics from when they went on vacation with a few friends. They really looked like a great couple. After picture time she started talking in feverish Japanese to the bartenders so I wouldn't understand. I got the jist of the convo, which was there was big trouble brewing in little japan. She told me that this conversation wasn't to leave this room as she lifted up her pant leg to reveal two decently sized, fresh cuts. I asked her, "How did you get those cuts?" She said it was her boyfriends shoe. That didn't make much sense, so I asked again "Where did you get those cuts?" She replied the same way, "It was my boyfriend's shoe." I replied, "So he kicked you?" She nodded.

Turns out they were all dancing at some bar on vacation. Now Japanese peeps aren't known for their leet dancing skills, so they were all just doing their own crazy little dance, having fun, not being too serious. They were all laughing, but her boyfriend thought they were all laughing at him instead of with him. Unable to vibe with the group, unable to understand that his friends weren't there to mock him, and unable to control his anger, he did the only thing he could to save his manhood: he kicked his girlfriend in the leg hard enough to leave cuts.

She went on to say how their relationship isn't going well. She said he treats the people closest to him (his mom and his girlfriend) like shit while he is nice to everyone else. She called him a child. She said he is never satisfied with what he has, always comparing it to something better. He's also unemployed and has a lack of cash. As she's complaning she touches my arm and tells me to hurry up and find a Japanese girlfriend.

So did she dump this guy to find someone new? Of course not! She went on to defend him, saying "He's a really nice guy. He's nice to all the ALTs (English teachers) here. I want to change him. He said he'd be careful now and he's thinking of his character." I said that he kicked her and that was in excuseable, unforgivable. I said just cause he gets along with the ALTs doesn't make him a good guy. I believe you are only as nice as you are to your worst enemy, and if your worst enemy is your girlfriend then you've got some serious problems. Be that as it may, she's still with him and if kicking her won't get her to leave, I'm not quite sure what will.

Now, I have some theories as to why girls stick around in crappy relationships instead of finding someone new. First and foremost, fear of loss is a more powerful motivator than the anticipation of gain. Fear of losing the boyfriend you have, even if the relationship is crappy, will keep motivated to stay in that relationship. That fear of loss has far more power to keep you in place than the anticipation of what awesomeness you could gain from getting in a new relationship with someone better.

Plus, as she described their relationship, sometimes it was good, sometimes it was bad. This "sometimes good, sometimes bad" relationship is incredibly dangerous in that it is especially hard to leave. Cause when things are good you are happy, and when things are bad you remember "Man things can be good, they used to be good, I want them to be good again!"

It reminds me back to AP Psyc class with Ms. Helmer talking about using reinforment to encourage behavior. Turns out using a variable ratio of rewards for a desired behavior nets the highest rate of said behavior and the greatest resistance to extinction. Slot machines are set to payoff on a variable ratio for just this reason.

Perhaps you can think of these kinds of relationships as a slot machine. You pull the handle you might get a hug, you might get emotional distance, you might get a romantic date, you might not get a call back, you might get an "I love you", or you might get a kick to the shin. The fear of losing that potential hug, that potential "I love you", the need to have a one-armed bandit of love to call your very own, can keep you trapped at the same machine for months and years at a time, oblivious to what wonders await you outside the casino.

Posted by namflow at April 23, 2007 09:33 PM