Namflow

Breaking News! My 99.5% Mush Free Valeinte's Story (Part 4/3)!

I orignally wrote "My 99.5% Mush Free Valentine's Day Story" for the bi-monthly JET magazine "JETFuel" over two years ago. The story, which recounts an incident that happened in 2002, was published over a span of half a year. And up until last week the story ended with "I never saw or heard from her again." However, just yesterday, one day after posting the former end of my story, the power of Google led me to discover the chocolate girl's livejournal. Written in that journal is a full account of what happened on the faithful day of February 14th, 2002. And now, in an ISSF exclusive, the end of my story as written by the chocolate girl herself.

That's the chocolate girl cosplaying as a swordswoman from Ragnarok Online. And that's me in college. I looked like Jesus. My twin brother, SuperGolden, also looked like Jesus. Hence we were the Jesus twins.

Before we get to the really good stuff, let's first look at some random quotes from her journal to get an idea who exactly was this strange girl I have chocolates to:

Stupidest thing I ever did in my entire life was tell Andrea of all people, little miss Christian, that I was into BDSM.

Is that a Zerg creep colony, or are you just happy to see me?

So we have a geeky girl anime girl who makes sexual Starcraft references and is into BSDM. We have me, a geeky guy, who gave her chocolates on Valentine's day. What exactly went wrong? Let's find out!

Weirdest fucking thing happened to me tonight. So I was walking home from anime night. Okay, this is normal. Then one of the Jesus twins starts talking to me. Slightly less normal, but I did have a class with them both last semester, so I know of them. We talk about anime and various things. Then right as we're getting close to Sue B, the Jesus twin says to me, he says "Well, seeing as it's right after midnight, I'd like to be the first to wish you a happy Valentine's Day!" And he pulls out this box of chocolates!

Now, I'm completely boggled. I've never spoken more than two words to either of these twins. What makes it bloody hilarious is that I DON'T KNOW WHICH JESUS TWIN IT WAS! Hahahahahaha! I come back to the room and tell Kara, and of course she's on the floor almost pissing herself, and it was just goatdamn funny.

Nothing bad so far - it was a bit unexpected that I gave her chocolates so her confusion is justified, and that's hillarious she wasn't sure which twin I was. But don't worry, it gets better.

Time passes. I'm settling back into feeling not so Twilight Zone-ish. Kara goes to the use the bathroom, stands outside our door, and squeals. Her and Shailey come running in to tell me that someone has PINNED A NOTE TO OUR DOOR! Christ, I think, and steel myself for something horrid. Okay. So someone *coughJesustwincough* has written me a note, in Japanese, and left it for me on the door! Written in black crayon! I feel like I'm in fourth grade again! My only comment was "Well, if I get a singing fucking telegram tomorrow, I'm going to shit myself," and Kara falls to the floor AGAIN and proceeds to spit-laugh for about ten minutes straight.

I feel like Lisa Simpson.

"Look, it says 'You Choo-choo-choose Me!' on it, and it's got a picture of a train..."

"Her name is Amy Lemon, and when I grow up I'm gonna marry her..."

Sweet pappy Johnson with an erection, I hate Valentine's Day.

Ok, just to set the record straight, I've done a lot of sappy romantic things in my life, but an anonymous Valentine Japanese written with a crayon? That, sir, was not me. And incase you missed it, she compared me to Ralph Wiggum.

God, couldn't I have least been Milhouse? But if you think being compared to Ralph Wiggum was as bad as it was gonna get, she went on to talk about the 2 guys she's banging at the time:

Jeff was going to send me flowers-- or so he tells me-- but since they don't deliver to PO boxes he couldn't. "You'll just have to wait until this weekend," he says. Crikes. Do I just attract sentimental weirdos? At least we can watch anime when I'm in Buffalo, and hopefully he'll put out.

Bite mark on neck = gone. About time. Wouldn't do to have Nookie Source #2 see marks left from Nookie Source #1. I'm getting good at this man multitasking.

No, Jesus twin, you will never be Nookie Source #3.

Ouch. And to top things off, the next day in an entry entitled "I Choo-Choo-Choose You!" she says:

The rest of Mosesday was spent rather uneventfully, THANK GOAT. No Jesus twins to harass me. I just had to tell the girls about it, and I swear, I don't think I've ever heard someone hoot as loud as Pam.

Great. Let's review what my innocent and well intentioned gift of chocolates caused: She didn't know if it was me or SuperGolden, she thought I wrote a crappy anonymous Valentine in crayon and taped it to her door like a coward, she compared me to Ralph Wiggum, she was getting nookie from 2 different guys and I wasn't even good enough to be a distant third, I was apparently harassing her, I'm a sentimental weirdo, and she told all her girlfriends about something that I didn't do and they nearly pissed themselves laughing.

You know what, it doesn't matter that she changed colleges after the summer of 2002, and it doesn't matter that she didn't see through my awesome social enginnering scheme. What it boils down to is that after all the times I was alone on Valentine's Day, I finally decided to do something about it with a random act of kindness in hopes to brighten the chocolate girl's Valentine's day and in her journal entry describing the event she said, "I hate Valentine's Day."

And what did she have to say about my brillant ResNet scam?

Jesus twin-- not sure which one-- came and fixed my connection just a little bit ago. Guess my connection was loose in the closet; there's a closet on each floor that holds all the hardware, and mine was loose. Go figure. But it's fixed. Thank you, Jesus twin."

She didn't even know if it was me or not. And she didn't mention any plans of hanging out with me. Did she even intend to visit me or was she just playing with me as I played with her internet access? The world shall never know.