-=(Sagien)=-

The Coolio Phone Mark II Sucks Ballsacks

It's a good thing it was "free".

Around Christmas time, I was able to upgrade the original coolio phone to the coolio phone Mark II. The original coolio phone was an LG VX6000 and it served me well for two years. As great as it was, it had its shortcomings. First and foremost, it did not work in the dark. It needed a flash. The coolio phone mark II had a flash. The coolio phone mark II is the upgraded version of the original. It is an LG VX6100.

The 6100 has a flash. However, it doesn't really matter if it does or not because it is not near bright enough to take pictures under un incandescent lamp. All it did was amplify the suck-ass resolution that it retained from the original coolio phone. It's a good thing it had a flash though, because it can take pictures like this...

...directly from my pants pocket. I mean, its good that theres some kinda balls of white light there. Otherwise, it'd be completely black. And thank the heavens for its expanded memory size (60 pictures instead of 20) and the oh so convenient picture taking button at the side -- I can now be the proud owner of 60 of those pictures that I get to view and delete before I take an actual picture. Yes, it fills up the memory on its own. Perhaps its sentient and thinks theres a secret alien message in my pants pocket that I should know about so it takes as many pictures of it as possible.

Voice command. Do you know how many times I get to see that screen? Every fuckin' time I say a command.

"Please say a command," it says all feminine like.

"Contacts."

"Please say a command."

"CONTACTS."

"Please say a command."

"COOOONTAAAACTSS!"

"Command not recognized."

Good. Great.

Oh! And the well renowned driving mode.. that one that it LOVES going into on its own, regardless whether I'm driving or not. Driving mode is supposed to be this mode where it turns on the speakerphone and starts to work off of voice commands. About 80% of the time, when I take the phone out of my pocket its in goddamned driving mode. And you know what I have to do to get out of it?

Yep.. "Please say a command."

"Driving..." You get the picture. Yes, the black ones, with the ball lightning that exists in my pocket.

I won't even get into the accessories. Oh wait, maybe I should. I purchased an extended life battery for the original coolio phone. That sucker lasted five days, phone calls, pictures and all. Is that compatible with the mark II? Hell no. God fuckin forbid two phones that share the same 5 characters in their model numbers would actually have interchangeable batteries, car adapters, home chargers... thats right, NOTHING I ever bought for the 6000 works for the 6100. Oh the advanced technology a whole 100 points in model numbering can bring.

How does the mark II fare in battery life? Well, I can use it for five 20 minute phone calls... then it needs a charge. In a day and a half, it needs to visit its home charger(which is a wire attached to a power adapter, as opposed to the convenient charging cradle the "inferior" 6000 had) or I'm shit out of luck.

Oh yes, more pocket tricks. It turns it's speaker phone on ON ITS OWN. Imagine my surprise when my eardrums get blown out because I didn't know it deemed it necessary to have speakerphone on instead of leaving it so one can use it like a normal person would use it.

All in all, the new phone is pretty. Thats about all I can say about it. It does not deserve the name of coolio phone. Shit, it hasn't even saved a single life...

Posted by sagien at February 22, 2005 10:58 PM