-=(Sagien)=-

I Break Everything I Touch

What in the bloody fuck?

My girlfriend is nice enough to let me borrow her car in the morning while I was carless to drive it to my parent's house to acquire an adequate car for the paper route.

It was cold enough that morning at 3:00 AM. Somewhere around 17 degrees Fahrenheit. I couldn't see out the back because of the frost, so I turned on her defroster.

So I drove. Happily. I am always happy when I drive to work. While I have no car to call my own. And its below freezing. This combination of circumstances make for a wonderful morning. No, I am not being sarcastic. You should try it.

Anyway, I was driving. After about 5 minutes of being on the road, I hear this loud cracking pop. Or something to that effect. I looked behind me and the rear car window has been downgraded to cracked glass, desperately clinging to each other, with a gaping hole in the middle.

I immediately ruled out punk ass kids due to the fact that it is 3:00 AM, and I wasn't in the inner city. I continued driving, hoping that the glass will hold up. I was wrong. The whole rear window fell apart piece by piece. And each piece was about the size of a tiny diamond.

Eventually, it turned into this into the picture at the beginning of the post. I had to do my route, so I left it as it is at my parent's house, planning to fix it when I get back. This was the result of my efforts:

I double layered it. With some Glad trash bags and masking tape. Clearly, a superior display of auto repair superiority. Comes with being asian, much like the superior golden brown skin baked to perfection in God's oven.

See? Inside and out. Durable, longlasting repair. Much better than Kris' mother's repair job. What with her heavy duty shipping clear plastic.

Shit, you can somewhat see out of that. And they used packing tape. I didn't want to say anything out of respect, but obviously, that kinda stuff just wasn't going to hold up. Oh well.

'Cept in my version, it was an UZI.

I've been avoiding updating all week since I haven't had access to my pictures physically. But then a certain itch happens, and I just couldn't wait to write about something.

I notice it in the way I talk to people, I become more cynical, more sarcastic. The normal jovial humor I usually impart turn into biting rapier like insults. Then I laugh about it.

So this is me scratching that itch. Sorry shft.

40 Winks

Back when I was younger, somewhere around barely-legal age, we discovered that a certain store in a certain shopping center threw their credit card receipts into the dumpster in the back alley unshredded, complete with customer information such as addresses and phone numbers. It was quite an amazing find. What was even more amazing was that we had someone who was so desperate to be our friend that he'd dive face first into this dumpster to retrieve these valuable slips of paper for us.

His name was Chaz.

We never used these numbers for anything illegal. It was the sheer feeling of control in having someone's sensitive information coupled with the knowledge that a place consumers would trust to keep their data private would throw it away without any prior consideration towards the security of their customers that kept us coming back for more.

It was our weekly pilgrimage to the dumpster. Normally it was just the NzA, Chaz and I that made this trek. Sometimes John Walley would come along, but that was just to keep himself feeling in the loop. Tonight was shft's first trip to the dumpster with us. Shft had $300 in his pocket.

We started out at mid-afternoon, while the sun was still out. We calculated that by the time we've reached the dumpster on foot, the light would be just about gone. We took the normal walking route, chatting about nonsensical things and making fun of Chaz(who paid us for our company that evening).

Along came the white sedan, blaring rap music, creeping slowly down the side roads of suburbia and stopping by the sidewalk where we walked. The african american in the passenger seat motions towards us.

"Give us your money," he was obviously banking on the fact that african americans weren't normally seen in this part of town. Especially ones pulling over alongside a formation of kids to ask them for cash.

Shft had $300 in his pocket.

"We have no money," declared shft. Now, shft is a sizeable guy. However, three of those guys in the car are bigger than him. I am asian, the NzA isn't very big at all, and Chaz was 14.

"Bullshit, a bunch of rich kids in Somers Point's bound to have some green."

"Uhh...I have like $1.82 in change..." offered Chaz. They took the money happily and left. NzA mumbled something racist under his breath, after they were gone from earshot. Something about people of that racial pursuation being happy with less than two bucks in change and the hilarity associated with it.

Shft had $300 in his pocket.

The trip to the dumpster was uneventful. The take wasn't there, so we left, planning to stop at a Wawa on the way home. By this time, night has fallen.

By the time we got to Wawa, everyone, except for Chaz, decided that they didn't really want to buy anything. Chaz ran inside and grabbed a carton of milk and a Tasty-Cake. We waited for him outside.

As we were waiting, a familiar looking sedan came creeping up to us at the sidewalk. The NzA walked up to the passenger side window. Say anything bad you want about NzA, but that kid had balls.

"Yes?" he said into the dark window probably filled with guns and African Americans.

"Who wants to take it?" came the menacing reply.

"Take what?"

"The bullet."

"Why?"

"Cuz your bitchasses lied to us."

"No we didn't"

"So how'd your fat fuck friend get chocolate milk." Chaz was walking out of Wawa sipping happily from his carton of milk. The NzA was dumbfounded.

"So who's taking it?"

"He will," the NzA said, pointing at Chaz. Chaz realized what was happening and dropped his milk. The gentleman in the passenger seat went to get something from the glove box.

At that exact moment, something must've scared them off and made them change their mind. They drove away.

We hurried home, called the police and listened to the hilarity that ensued over the police scanner.

Shft had $300 in his pocket.

Gyouza

This entry should take you guys another step towards AzNess. Somewhat.

That there is the final product. Certain circles of Asians call it Gyouza. Us Western types call them pot stickers.

Ingredients

For the innards

Copious amounts of ground pork(about 1lb for you measuring types)
Even larger amounts of cabbage(one head)
Scallions(two stalks?)
Soy Sauce(amount depends on your level of asianness.)
Salt
Pepper
Gyouza Wraps(about 100 should do)

For the dipping stuff

Soy Sauce(Kikkoman, cuz its sweet)
Rice Vinegar(tiny splash[Kris' measurement])
Mirin(bigger splash[again.. Kris].. this is some major asian shit. Even more major than soy sauce)

The act

First you chop shit up. Chop what? The cabbage and the scallions, dipshit. What else are you gonna chop? The pork? It's already grounded up to bits. The soysauce? It's liquid, genius. Chopping it doesn't really work.

Some serious chopping action is required. Chop them up to teeny weeny bits. Really really small pieces. Almost mushm but not quite. If you suck at chopping with blades, then go buy a food processor. Wuss.

Oh yeah, fire up the wok. Make sure it gets super hot. Throw in the pork, and season it with salt, pepper, enough soy sauce to cover the meat, but not drown it. Add whatever spices you feel is necessary, but the salt and pepper is enough. The flavor will come from elsewhere.

Once the pork is nice and brown(no red stuff at all. Red = bad), go ahead and throw in the cabbage and the scallions. Stiry fry until nicely mixed. Yes I said stiry. Don't worry, its a wok, it won't take long. You don't have a wok? Use a skillet. Poseur.

Disgusting, eh. That's the innards. Shit's done yo. Go get the wraps.

Get them looking like that.

Oh, you wanna know how. Well, ok.

Place about a teaspoon of the innards on the wrap. Wet the edges of the wrap with water, using your fingers. Then you kinda roll the wrap over itself, like a taco and fold the corners shut. Make sure the edge is sealed by making pleats where the wrap meets itself. This also makes sure that the gyouza is pretty.

Next comes the fun part.

Deep frying. Make sure the oil is nice and hot. I used vegetable oil. I've been told that real asians use peanut oil. What do they know. This takes like 30 seconds. Just until they're golden brown.

Put that stuff in bowls. It looks better. The sauce is practically mostly soy sauce, with the pre-mentioned amounts of the other ingredients. Taste it. It should taste kinda sweetish. Yeah. Like that.

Serve this shit right the fuck now, while its hot. You may have it with rice. Or by itself. But it can only be eaten with chopsticks. Other utensils won't work.

This is Kris' recipe. I just kinda followed what she told me to do.

State of Emergency

Time to shovel the driveway. Ninja stylez!

Otherwise known as White Feces

Yes, that was a picture you saw. Here's another

It may come as a surprise to some of you that this post is coming in early Sunday morning. And by "early" I meant before noon. I consider this a public service. People need to know what's going on out there. I shall provide you with many pictures. Here's another.

That there is the Atlantic City Expressway. If you click on the picture, you'll get to experience a part of the drive. Sort of. With no sounds.

We were out purchasing clothing and what have you. Much fun.

The public needs to be aware that snow covered trees are pretty.

The public also needs to know that she is the cause of all this white feces on the ground.

Snowplow. With snowman in the background. Yawn.

The NewsPaper MUST be delivered.

Now we're going to go through the horrid morning I've just had.

First off, I woke up a bit late, but not too late, for the delivery business. I went out to Kris' car and found that the door has frozen shut. Thanks to google, I figured out a solution to get it open quickly. Needless to say, Kris is now completely out of hairspray.

With her automobile, I drove to my parental units' home to pick up a more suitable vehicle for newspaper delivery. I found that this door was frozen shut too. Oh well snickers had lots of hairspray.

So I've spent an total of an hour blowtorching the shit out of two cars. I show up to pick up my papers late.

I picked up the front page and it declared that New Jersey has declared a state of emergency. Any non essential personel need to be off the roads, or they suffer the consequences of a moving violation. I immediately called my boss.

"Uh, are we allowed to be out here?" I asked cheerfully.

"Yes we are, we are delivering papers, and papers are allowed. If they pull you over, tell them you're delivering papers. They might think you're pretty stupid for doing it.... but they can't give you a ticket."

"Great!" I was elated. Honest. I was.

Needless to say, my route turned quite scenic as the sun came up over the white swamplands that what most people refer to as the boondocks.

There wasn't a single square inch of asphalt to be seen, but I managed.

So here we are, alive and well, the roads are horrific, and I am hungry. Happy State of Emergency.

An Experiment with Words

As you may or may not be able to tell from the title, this is yet another picture-less post.

I honestly don't know why some of you will think I lack material to write about if I have no pictures.

Oh well, onward.

I fuckin hate dentists.

I was late for my dental appointment today. My tardiness was the direct result of me spending several more minutes than necessary in the bathroom swishing Listerine through my teeth. Even though I love this mouthwash, foul taste and all, I usually do not let it sit in my mouth for five minutes at a time. I was doing this because I cringe at the thought of the dentist looking in my mouth and spotting fragments of food or experience the halitosis escaping from my maw.

I went to the dentist because the frequency of the toothaches has increased. That and I can feel it start to chip away at my pain treshhold. I've often caught myself talking to some nonexistent being telling it that 'I get the point, theres something wrong, we'll go to the dentist if you promise to stop hurting.'

Obviously this approach doesn't work. It kept hurting anyway, so I went anyway.

Considering that I probably had an excess of 2000mg of Tylenol floating in my bloodstream, I was feeling pretty good. The tooth wasn't being painful, yet I can feel with my tongue how it could be. The dentist took the X-ray and came up with two options.

a) we could pull the tooth.

or

b) we can save the tooth.

Option A was appealing to me because I do not have dental insurance yet. Pulling the tooth would be cheaper. Option B required an expensive root canal.

So I asked him to convince me why I should try to save it.

"Well, if you pull the tooth, that means you will lose one molar. The tooth next to it is the wisdom tooth. It will eventually have to be removed as well. That's two molars gone from your bottom jaw. Without anything to rest on, the corresponding teeth on the top will eventually fall off, making it a grand total of four molars lost," was the sales pitch.

Not wanting to further advertise that I came from the third world, I went with option B.

That pretty much brings you up to speed as I bring you to today's story.

Your way, right away

Sagien just got out of his dental appointment. The whole right side of his face is numb, and he's feeling rather upset about the large chunk of money he had to spend.

He can also sense the impending hunger coming up.

"Something quick, " he thought.

He drives into a Burger King drive-thru.

"It's greasy, disgusting, oily, and delicious," he justifies his selection of food. He goes through the ordering squaking box, places his order and proceeds to the first window. Seeing that there are a few cars in front of him, he decided to pass the time by calling someone. He gets on the horn with Ltle.

A few minutes of idle conversation go by and he drives up to the take out window. He has his Visa card at the ready. The attendant stares at him blankly.

"Did you tell me it was credit back there?" he asks.

"No, you didn't ask," replied Sagien, taking a half-second pause from the phone conversation.

"Yes, I did."

"No, you didn't." The cashier sighs a long sigh and starts abruptly punching buttons on the register. Apparently, he had to re-enter the order into the machine. Sagien returns to his phone conversation after the cashier took his card.

"Here you go," said the gentleman behind the window, "Next time you have to tell me its credit when I ask."

"You didn't ask." Sagien takes the drink and puts it in the holder.

"Yeah, I did. The system wouldn't let me go through if I don't ask," he argued, handing Sagien his bag of food.

"Wait a sec," Sagien says into the phone and puts it down before grabbing the bag. He looks up to the fast food host and says, "You didn't ask me, it doesn't matter if you did, shut the hell up, you're a goddamn retard, see you later."

Acknowledgements

This post has been brought to you by Listering, Tylenol, Burger King and Visa. Unfortunately, they didn't have to pay a dime for this kind of exposure.

More words, no pics

As indicated by the title, I will use words on today's post.

This is pretty much another one of them how things are going updates, due to the fact that I have rendered myself extremely busy.

Also, I have made a couple of promises and Asians always keep their promises and Asians never lie. Ever.

Promises, promises

Seeing as I am doing this from work, I'd have to make this short. I told animplodingvoice that I'd link him here. It is an enjoyable webcomic which has yet to give me props for being asian. However, it is nicely done, and I especially like the character that pulls on eyebrow rings and doesn't say much of anything. It is produced by him and one other guy. I'd refer to him by something else, but I don't know what. You'll also notice that I added them as a permanent link to the right.

Requisite story I have to tell when there are no pictures.

This one is told in honor of the cameo appearance we were graced with by our benefactor.

We've been drinking.

By we, I mean shft, my brother, boner, oreo and myself. It wasn't anything alcoholic, so we were quite reasonable sixteen year olds.

The plan for this friday evening was to go walk to the movies and sit in the theatre for a couple of hours to enjoy a film. The Crow, I think it was. Shft wanted to see it.

As we walk down the street, we noticed a few beer bottles strategically left empty on the sidewalk. A couple of us thought that these would be great test subjects to determine the effects of gravity on glass.

Shft threw one up in the air and started booking.

Boner did too.

The rest of us start running after them.

"Why are you running you gook?" came a voice in the dark. We all stop.

CRASH.... CRASH. Someone needs to go back and examine the results of the experiment. Maybe later.

"What did you call him?" shft came out menacingly in the dark.

"Are you starting shit with her?" came another voice, this time from the house. An obvious male.

"Her?!" said shft, indicating to the person in front of him. I thought it was a guy too.

The next thing that happens was a connecting female fist to shft's lip.

"What the fuck, I wish I didn't know you were a girl cuz I want to hit you back," shft was incredolous, he turns to me and says, "She fuckin cut me."

The obvious male comes out, trying to look menacing, not really succeeding. Meanwhile, boner has disappered.

"Yo, try anything and I'll go get my fuckin gun," said the obvious male.

"So GET your fuckin gun," shft retorts.

"If I go get my gun, then I'll have to shoot you," obvious male is also an obvious beacon of reason.

"So shoot me," shft answered back.

"If I shoot you, then I'd have to shoot everyone here."

"So shoot everyone here."

A moment of silence occurs while obvious male ponders the murders of five 16 year olds. He finally decides that he was going back inside. The she-bitch follows him in.

We continue on our trek, the experiment with beer bottles and gravity forgotten. As we walked past one of the parked cars further down the block, we spotted boner, sitting on the curb, with his head down. Cowering.

"You fuckin pussy," said shft.

...and we're back.

For those of you just tuning in, we've been down for a few days.

I am writing this from work, so I apologize for the lack of visual aids. I promise I shall remedy that in my next post.

So lets move along with updates about myself.

Shft is so frickin cool

I (officially) cannot make fun of shft anymore. This is because he is ISSF's new host. You know what this also means... where are those pics of mincus that I took while he was sleeping.....

NMG is so frickin cool

NMG graced me with several sightings of himself over the past few weeks. This one time, we were at Denny's and it was late, which is just about the only time you really go into Denny's.

Anyway, we're sitting there and this dude.. Clint walks in and sits right behind NMG.

So I launched into this story.

"Remember Kate the hole?" sagien started.

"yeah dude i can't believe when she --"

"Yeah yeah, this one tops it. See that dude that just sat down behind you? His name is Clint," sagien cuts nmg off without even an attempt to whisper. Oddly enough, Clint was oblivious.

"Yeah.."

"Well he hooked up with the hole"

"Who hasn't"

"Shut up and listen. So, this is how it goes. Kate was hookin up with this chick courtney one night at mincus' place. And Clint was there and he was all like 'Whoa two girls kissing' and he gets all in on the action because the girls were drunk."

"Wait wait wait.. I think I remember wombat telling me that you hooked up with Kate"

"Yeah this was the same night, cept I hooked up with her before this happened and I had to stop cuz mincus came downstairs and saw Clint hookin up with his exgirlfriend and uh.. me hookin up with the hole on his couch. This is what happened after I left."

"Ok, go on.."

"Well eventually, after all this hot and bothered hooking up action, Kate goes home leaving Clint and Courtney there."

"I thought this story was about Kate."

"It's a Kate story, she just happens to be a supporting role in this one. Anyway, Clint and Courtney continue to go at it on the couch. And he totally ate her in the butt."

"How the fuck would you know that he did that"

"Because wombat told me."

"And how would he know?"

"Cuz he was sleeping on the floor in the same room while Clint tongued Courtney's rectum."

Is it Christmas yet?

It was an accident, honest.

Papsmear

As you can see, it is a very detailed diagram of what females call a "papsmear."
I didn't think it was funny(that would be in poor taste), but rather intriguing. Considering that that thing is made of metal. And it separates. You'd think they'd use some kinda dildo-like device to mae the experience a tad more pleasurable.

Old Stuff

These are pics that I probably should've posted awhile back, and those of you who hung out with me back then(or stil do) would've seen these already. Yeah, oh well, better late than never.

This is the hotel we stayed at in the Philippines when we went there. The accomodations were a bit 'third-worldish' but we managed.

This was taken waaay back when I was still living in Maryland. I thought it was kinda cool how the place was called Bombay Gaylord. Thinking back on it, its kinda not as funny now.

Anyhow, I have to go find something tasty at the grocery store to cook with the wok. I shall return in a few minutes...

And 3 hours later

Yes, I'm still working on the New Years post. We've decided to make use of the new wok for dinner.

I'm a wok guy, with wok friends and wok toys

This here is a picture of the wok before it got all heated up and what have you. After browsing through a couple of ASIAN COOKBOOKS to see what we would like to cook, and deciding after an hour on what to cook, we went out to the grocery store. Which happened to be closed. It's New Year's Day.

We went to the second grocery store. Which happened to be closed. After that we gave up and made other food instead, and using other utensils.

So why was the wok getting all heated up?

Well, I decided to season it instead.

So, we went out. I was actually hoping to go to the asian grocery store so I can take some pictures and show you guys Asians in their somewhat natural habitat, but that operation was foiled.

Oh well.

.....insert anecdote here...

sagien hasn't seen joe camel and kudra for awhile now. When the offer to come hang out with joe surfaced, he immediately jumped on the offer.

He was quite glad to see that beans was with joe when they showed up, and after a not-quite-so-agonizing-wait for kudra, they were off to the mall. It was quite a collection of people going to that mall.

Of course, there was kris and sagien. Joining them were joe camel, kudra and beans. Oh yeah, her too.

A grand time was to be had by all. Including dumbundo.

This story really just serves as an introduction for some pics.

Kudra and joe, which joe will probably hunt me down with some kind of serrated blade with for posting. Notice the glint off of joe's finger(an indication that I have to readjust the settings of the coolio phone II). That's cuz he sliced off his finger. He has a robot pinky-finger now. How cool is that.

Forgive me for the washed out images. Coolio Phone II is still in the training stages, and its good that I'm taking pics of friends instead of the classical retardation thats out there(yes, i am planning on getting back into that, give me time).

Anyway, dumbundo is the one on the left. beans is the tall and trendy guy on the right. You can't really see it, but his forehead is all red from the impact of the empty gatorade bottle had on it. It hit him with powerful force because of joe's robot pinky-finger. True story. I have plenty of those.

Welp, thats it for the trial run of the coolio phone II. Further test photos to arrive when I take pics of the presents I got from the Great 2k4 Xmas Gift Exchange. minus kudra's cookies. Kris ate them all.