-=(Sagien)=-

40 Days and 40 Nights

I wish the Sagien Comeback Tour never happened.

The Longest Week

It's amazing.

My weekends have begun starting on Tuesdays lately. As one might imagine, this isn't good for the health, third world bodily immune system or not. As most of the readership know(at least what's left of it after ISSF turned in on itself and did what it's always done best: point out flaws), I've been drinking.

During one of my drunken-cat-as-a-psychiatrist-as-I-lay-on-the-couch sessions, I was looking through the pictures of the old MUD I used to play. I came across this:

It was captioned: "At home - yes it really IS me." Which is understandable, because that picture was found in a sea of this:

I took the liberty to resize that last one, since it was on the MUD[Medievia] site in its full 1024x768 glory. I suppose large people like that think that they need large pictures of themselves to shovel the point across.

Anyway, don't lose focus.

The thin, pretty one(asian) made me think "Hey! Now would be a good time to have a Sagien Comeback Tour on the MUD as well." So I fired up the old mud client.

I immediately looked up her name to see what clan I should join to be closer to my newfound love of my life. Realizing that it was a clan full of idiots(April was in it), I decided that I shall go through my wooing on my own without joining her clan. Lone Wolf Sagien action figure stylez.

I played for days waiting for her to log on so I can talk to her, and she was never logged on during the times that I was on(8-9pm EST -- hey fuck off I have a life. I can't afford more than an hour at the mud and I figured, everyone's on at "primetime", which was around 8-9 EST on Friday nights). In fact, it seemed that she was a student of nocturnalism, much like me! She kept mudding hours after 1am until around 8pm.

Tonight, my heart was broken. I saw a new picture of her up.

Notice the characters in the background. No, you racist bastards, I can't read it. I realized that she didn't live ANYWHERE near me. At this point, I was madly in love, after sharing a grand total of about zero words with her. I thought about pricing out the airfare, but I didn't even know which country to check out.

Another chapter of love lost in the life of Sagien, I suppose.

I've got something to say about everyone. Even my friends!

Oh, didn't you know? It's a double header.

ninjamonkeygeek (9:54:13 AM): what'cha doin'?
knightpire (9:54:18 AM): go away
ninjamonkeygeek (9:55:11 AM): what's wrong?
knightpire (9:55:18 AM): nothing.
ninjamonkeygeek (9:55:23 AM): are you mad at me or something?
knightpire (9:56:00 AM): i'm busy
ninjamonkeygeek (9:56:03 AM): you seem to be busy a lot lately
knightpire (9:56:17 AM): go away
ninjamonkeygeek (9:57:13 AM): what did I do?
knightpire (9:57:18 AM):
ninjamonkeygeek (9:54:13 AM): wtf- I thought we were friends
knightpire (9:57:28 AM): and i used to think there was a santa clause...
ninjamonkeygeek (9:58:10 AM): you're out of control, [sagien]
ninjamonkeygeek (9:58:13 AM): you're going to just forget about me too?
knightpire (9:58:18 AM): ...
ninjamonkeygeek (9:58:21 AM): that's so unfair
ninjamonkeygeek (9:59:05 AM): we just hung out LAST NIGHT
knightpire (9:59:09 AM): stfu and go away
ninjamonkeygeek (9:59:16 AM): we shared french fries!
ninjamonkeygeek (9:59:23 AM): doesn't that mean anything to you?!
knightpire (10:01:18 AM): remember how I told you those fries were really good?
ninjamonkeygeek (10:01:25 AM): yeah?
knightpire (10:02:18 AM): well they sucked
ninjamonkeygeek (10:02:20 AM): why are you doing this?
knightpire (10:03:08 AM): there are other fish in the sea, [ninjamonkeygeek]
knightpire (10:03:18 AM): has signed off
ninjamonkeygeek (10:03:13 AM): yeah, but good luck trying to find yellow-tail anywhere this time of year...

DUH-Duh- duhn...

So let's do this... itemized smack, to be laid down in no particular order.

Joe Camel: Despite the fact that JC once saved me from drowning, I feel no real loyalty to him. Perhaps that's because he was the one who threw me off the boat. Way to be a dick.

Blacjax: As we all know, there are 7 jewish bankers who control the world's supply of money. Would it be too much trouble for you to ask them to stop screwing with our nations' gas prices? I don't think so.

Kooldino: Oh sure, his board-game collection is second to none. He'll ghetto rig some deep-frying to satisfy all your tater-tot needs. But, he's not what he says he is. Yes, he does work for the FAA. But, upon visiting him for a lunch date one day, I saw a very different picture than the one he'd painted for me. There was Dino, mop in hand, keys a-jinglin', "(GASP) You’re Early!" It was almost too much to spit out, "Yes. You never told me you were the janitor". He replied, "Custodial Engineer, asshole!" Why you frontin', Dino? Why?

Shftleft: Don't even get me started... Last May, Shft and I shared a room at the Robert Treat Hotel, of scenic downtown Newark, NJ. Insistent on co-existing with me while completely nude, I saw it all. From the isometric leg squats- to the yoga exercises. Every so often he would stop to ask, "You’re cool with this, right? You don’t mind?" C'mon, dude, really.

Kudra: There's no denying that Kudra comes across as one smart/classy lady. But, did you know she lets her boyfriend sleep around? Yes- Joe Camel... THAT boyfriend. It seems she has no issues permitting him to bed any waitress he wishes. It's sad really. There's an obvious lack of empowerment at work here. But, far be it from me to portray the archetypal Sally Jessy audience member, encouraging you to "drop that zero and get you a real hero".

Mincus: ...Lives too friggin' far away. But, with every move, he becomes closer to finding some of those good-old-fashioned, midwestern values I keep hearing Rush Limbaugh talk about. Way to live in the middle of nowhere. Someday, I'll get a caravan together, so I can come out and see you... if we aren't ambushed by the Comanche.

Standards and Taps

Now, I'm a simple person, happy to enjoy life's simple pleasures. I like the same things as everyone else: the smell of a Xerox copier, reruns of COPS, and that funny way the gym teacher used to tickle my palm with his finger when we'd shake hands. I'm happy just left alone to do my own thing, a pretty straight shooter, and far from non-confrontational.

Perhaps, one of life's simplest pleasures is ISSF. It's true! Over the years, this very blog has remained a fun activity on many a lunch-break. But, with all of the content that's come and gone from ISSF, keeping up can be a bit tricky. Dig deep enough, and I think you'll find at least SOMETHING you may have missed the first time around. For example, this little gem of a comment was buried on a post that had long been forgotten.

"i'll take this semi-pointless post as i time to air out some shit.

yo dave miller

you dont have to go around telling people that i know that I have a problem with you because of my ex girlfriend...

she had nothing to do with it.

i just think youre a complete tool... i thought that way of you long before i even met her. i basically thought that ever since the first (and last) time i hung out with you and you made me walk OFF the boardwalk and around the block because you thought it would look smoother than just turning around on the boardwalk. thats fucking lame... and so is talking shit behind my face."

tootles.
Posted by dirt. at May 13, 2005 11:24 AM

As surprising (cuz I'd never noticed it before) as it was nonsensical. I've never told anyone you "have a problem with me because of your exgirlfriend". That would be an absurd reason since I barely know your exgirlfriend. She's just always kinda been, ya know... Joe Camel's sister. Something's been distorted in that nifty pipeline. But, it's reminiscent of a funny evening. Well, not so much "funny", as it is noteworthy.

Nobody can deny that Kudra is one classy broad. We all love Kudra. But, her 21st birthday outing was a pretty frustrating time to be had. This outing is my earliest recollection of meeting Mr. Dirt, who was so loud and obnoxious during the car ride into Atlantic City that I turned from the drivers' seat and called him an irritating moron. You are, perhaps, more informed than you'd realized. It really doesn't get much more "to your face" than that. Next time someone says, "Hey do you know [Dirt]?" Rest assured that a phone call will be placed with you, verifying an emphatic, "Eh, I don't care much for him".

Congratulations, in advance, on your success as a musician. Please, feel free to take Wombat with you as it has become abundantly clear his star will never stop rising... it's evident you two would have much to talk about. In fact, such solidarity hasn't been seen since the Itty-Bitty Titty Committee burned their training bras in a demonstration before city hall.

Moving on- In an effort to find some literary trademark of my own amongst the myriad of ISSF authors, let's go out on an up note.

Last night, Kudra, Joe Camel, and Sagien all came up to Philly. We went out, and a good time was had by all. Sagien got wasted... really, really wasted. The paper show had free drinks, and (as I’ve always sworn) the Standard Tap is the greatest bar in the world. LONG LIVE THE STANDARD TAP! [located at N. 2nd & Poplar]

Okay. Enough is enough.

I know I've grasped at some rather petty straws lately. But, the time has come to seriously examine some of the relationships in my life, if only in an attempt to decipher once and for all any common denominators.

I used to have friends, and still have a few left. However, my social life is not without it's percentage of ingrates. Now, it’s not as though I've never made an effort to reason with these individuals. Yet, time and time again I'm met with nothing but resistance. It just seems so illogical to me, that there must be something else behind it all.

Example 1: Sagien. I just don't get it. Sure we've had our ups and downs in the past... and what friends haven't? But out of the clear blue, he's decided I'm expendable. It just doesn't seem fair. I mean, okay, granted: He's had a pretty rough year. Mostly, due to the fact that my negligence and lack of courtesy left him without anywhere to live at a moments' notice. But we had gotten past that. Lately, things had been incredible. I was coming over to use his internet, sleeping on his couch, eating all of his food. I was even showing up unannounced to sleep there because I was too drunk to make it home. See what I mean? Things really were great. Then, all of the sudden, and without notice, he's telling me to leave him alone. That's so petty. I've been a model friend to you for months now. The more I replay it in my head, the less sense it makes. So, it must have something to do with Money. “Why money”, you ask? Well, to be honest I don't know. But Money has always been a mystery to me too. It leaves me even faster than my friends do. So, it must be behind all of this.

Example 2: Ninjamonkeyge... oh, screw it. I'm past the point of screen names now anyway. Dave Miller. For the past couple of years, this asshole's been under the impression that he's too good for my friendship too. I don't recall when or why it happened. All I can remember from that era is… (sigh) Kayla. I was so preoccupied with this girl that I could barely remember to breath while talking about her. Could it be, I'd become unbearably miserable to be around for an extended period of time? Even if I had, that's no reason to stop hanging out with me. So then, what was it?

Example 3: Kayla. So, granted she wasn't my girlfriend. And, okay, yeah, she's engaged. But that's no reason to stop coming over for sex, allowing me to believe desperately that we have a meaningful relationship. I mean, how can she deny it? We're soul mates. Meanwhile, she won't even admit to her friends that we're involved, citing that I'm "creepy". She runs back to her REAL boyfriend at the slightest hint of dependency. WTF?

So, what could the common denominator be? What link is there between these 3 examples? It couldn't possibly be my behavior. All 3 of these people must simply be fickle. Fickle, because they don't have what it takes to be real friends. They don't understand what goes into a relationship. And, believe me, I DO know. I'm a giver. I give, and give, never asking for anything... minus frequent validation, shielding from any and all criticism, dinner, and undying patience.

At this point, I'm starting to think money may not be the tie that binds… as I had previously thought regarding Sagien. Instead, I'm at more of a loss for reasoning than ever before. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to consider I'm the problem. But, no one understands me. Furthermore, I reserve the right to insist that people accept me as I am, and never abandon me. Why should I evolve into a better person?

POLL: Am I really so unbearable?

PS: I'm not perfect. I know that. I'm kind of like... a Honda Civic! ...owned by some piece of white trash. No, really. Hear me out. I'm small... not terribly quick... not very clean, and I've got a crappy decal of Calvin on me that won't EVER come off. Sometimes, even I wouldn't be surprised if a dude with a mullett jumped on my back and rode me home.

Rest in Peace

Jeffrey Aaron "Wombat" Payne
March [something], 1978 - October 21, 2005

It is with a heavy heart that I bring you this news. Forgive me, this will be quick because I can hardly choke back the tears. I just found out.

And I feel terrible, because of the last conversation we had over AIM:

Darth Sweetnesss: I can't take it anymore, mike
knightpire: stfu, you're a fuckin loser
Darth Sweetnesss: why are you acting like this? its so childish
knightpire: i don't think we're right together
Darth Sweetnesss: I can't live without you...
Darth Sweetness has signed off.

I checked. He didn't block me.

He was found in his apartment at around 4am, by a worried girl he met over myspace. Apparently she was anticipating his 3am drunken phone call which happens almost every night. When he didn't call she got worried and tried calling him. Getting no answer, she decided to go check in on him at home.

His body was surrounded by several steak knives, a few empty bottles of advil, his own semen and a tire iron. The actual cause of death is yet to be determined. There were scratch marks on his left wrist, enough to draw blood but not enough to end a human's life.

"I think he died from a fatal anxiety attack caused by the sight of his own blood when he tried to slit his wrist. Let's face it: nobody fuckin dies from an Advil overdose, and I dont know what he thought he was going to do with the tire iron," said one of the paramedics at the scene.

On a final note, I received a voicemail from him this morning. Simply, it said:

"Mike you're a fuckin child."

The message was left at 5:34am. His time of death was 3:32am.

Oh god, wombat.. Jeff.. I'm sorry. I am so sorry...

Brutal Honesty

STOP! Read D1RT's entry before proceeding!

I'll tell it how it is. And make you cry while I'm at it.

Women are a wonderful breath of fresh air. They mean what they say and they say what they mean. They are like a refreshing flower scented shower. Cleansing the grime off of your sould.

They were put on this earth for me to cook for, and pamper. Their very presence makes me want to break out the wok.

Every single one of them is the same in how they view the world. If you meet any one girl, chances are, she will be a norturing, caring creature and you are lucky to have her in your life.

That is entirely true.

[Cue Epiphany]

Knowing this true nature of the female human sub-species, I have decided to change my ways. I will be the ray of sunshine in their lives.

You may ask yourself, "sagien, this goes against the very fibre of your being!"

How wrong you are. Let me tell you why:

From now on:

- I will acquire a matching tattoo with every girl I encounter. Together our tattoos will create a picture of our friendship/love/companionship/casual sex.

- I will tip every waitress an outlandish amount of money. This will ensure that they remember me, and how great I am. And then I will bus the table.

- With me always will be a bouquet of roses. I will hand out a rose to every female I encounter while I breathe sunshine up their ass.

- I will put the toilet seat down and wipe down the urine from the toilet seat once I am done with it. Every time I leave the bathroom, it will be enveloped with the smell of Febreze and potpourri. I will eat all my cheese balls with toothpicks.

- I will whisper sweet nothings in their ear while I make love to them. I will no longer treat them like sacks of meat with a hole for me to put my penis in. And when they arch their backs while I ease in and out of their love holes, I'll grind my pubic bone into theirs, and hope to bring them to orgasm.

- I will go to trendy clubs, and buy everyone of them a drink. And we shall only dance to slow music, while I bury my face in the sweet scent of their strawberry shampood hair.

- Any girl I date, I shall earn "red wings" from.

- I will no longer just stare at their genitalia and breasts while I speak to them. I will tell them how pretty they are, and what great conversationalists they can be.

- Their families will love me.

- I will be a norturing lover/friend/casual sex partner. I will support every decision they make and tell them how proud I am of their accomplishments and them being happy makes me happy as well.

ISSF: Where are they now?

It seems that we have passed a major milestone of ISSF/Sagien a couple of days ago.

The day was so special that I cannot believe that it slipped me by. Well, we shall make up for it today with this very special ISSF.

The title of the post should give you some hints as to what I'm talking about. If not, well, you're not stupid.. you can always continue reading.

Its the two year anniversary of the Friend Write-Off Game!

For those of you who do not know what this is, please acquaint yourself with this post.

Let's take a new spin on the subject. Let's call it.. oh, for lack of originality: ISSF: Where are they now?

From left to right:

Jose: Sagien's brother. Also refered to in some circles as "Little Jose with a lillipop". Feel free to ask him why. Where is he now?

Well, on last check, he is still sagien's brother. He currently resides in Philadelphia, PA. Since I haven't seen him in awhile except for him popping in on the internets once in awhile, I'll assume that his status hasn't changed. He's still a virgin.

Last conversation overheard about Jose:

D1RT: Who do we know who lives in Philly that we can hang out with?
sagien: I can call Jose..
D1RT: I recall that we mentioned that we wanted to get laid...

[skip sagien, save best for last kinda bit, sorry]

April: Still sagien's ex-girlfriend. Still written off. Where is she now?

The last known whereabouts of April is somewhere in Baltimore, MD. My last correspondence with her consisted of her playing WoW while breaking up with her latest boyfriend. She's on the internets quite a bit... just don't IM her. She'll present you with some cutesy away message indicating how cute she is. It is highly annoying. Or if she's there, she'll talk your ear off. Most of the time it'll be about her psycho roommate. ::whisper:: She hasn't gotten laid in awhile.. ::gigglenod::

Mincus: On again, off again man-friend to wombat. Where is he now?

Well, after I left him in Germantown, MD to his lovenest, I didn't speak to him for about half a year. He ended up missing me, and eventually IMed me BEGGING to be invited to the karaoke party. BEGGING! I let him come.

Currently, he resides in a new love-nest somewhere in the sticks of Maryland. His weeks consist of playing bingo with the old folks of the town. Wombat and I recently visited him. Currently un-friended due to political Scattegories alliances that he made with the wrong people. Lime is a spice. Just like lemon.

Cyanne: She is still wombat's ex-girlfriend. Still written off. Where is she now?

After solving the hunger, disease and political problems of Rwanda, she returns to the USA to study some more. Somewhere in MD. Who knows, she won't return my calls.

Jeff(wombat): He's my "friend." Where is he now?

He's sleeping on my couch. He ate all the hotdogs, bacon and cheap chicken monday chicken. He claims that he hasn't masturbated in my apartment yet. I claim bullshit. He's currently sworn off sex as well. I can hear him snoring.

Amanda: um.. im skeered, but here goes. Where is she now?

In california being a hippy with some grocer.

Jen: Still taking forever looking for shoes.. where is she now?

Well, nobody has really seen her in over a month. She claims that she's been busy with her career or whatever that is. Sometimes she IMs me. If that's really her..

Ken(Joe Camel): He's everywhere. Oh, right now? Where is he now?

Well, on the last communique, he claims to have brain wurms which tend to drive him indoors. He's been handing out an insane amount of business cards to whatever person gives him two seconds of their time. I don't know how much business he's drummed up with the whole private investigator bit.

He's been ecstatic about his being able to carry a firearm soon.

Oh yes, and he picks up waitresses. In front of his girlfriend. Unknowingly. Truth.

Sagien: Me! Your gracious host. Where am I now?

Well, after an emotionally-charged and highly disputed win of Gaytard of the Year honors last year, I am currently in serious contention for the award this year.

I am hot, as in overheating, not gorgeous. It is fuckin October, and its goddamned hot. My pr0n collection has tripled and I am not getting laid.. much.

No, you don't know who she is. No, you never will. No, I didn't make her up.

That is all.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it?