-=(Sagien)=-

115 Reasons For Quitting a Paper Route

Totally irrelevant picture. Because I'm terribly good looking.

I've had a paper route for a little over a year now. It involves delivering 228 papers to 230 homes. Recently, I've decided that I will no longer perform the duties of a paper carrier(paperboy if you will), and outlined in this piece are the reasons why.

1) I am awake. Right now.
It is 6AM. I know that there are quite a few people on this planet who are waking up right about now. Why should I complain about this, right? Well, I've been up since 3:30 AM.

That's right. While the rest of you are finishing up your drinking sessions, I am getting my brown ass out of bed. It might not always be at 3:30 AM(it almost never is), but it's definately(most of the time) before 4 AM. This is a struggle.

Waking up before the ass crack of dawn should be left in the province of vampires and people in the military.

2) Post-coital reasoning

Okay, guys. Guys! You guyths!

So you just got laid. Your scumbag(the actual word for a used condom) is in the toilet, floating happily. The girl is cuddling up to you nicely. You're slightly buzzed from the wine. It's 3:30 AM.

Fuck.

Or not. You have to get up. Tell the lovely creature on your bed that it's time for her to go or she can sleep there, uncomfortably, by herself in a room she's not familiar with.

Not to mention that for most members of the male species, post coital bliss involves passing out happily, knowing that his sperm is/isn't fertilizing an egg.

Sucks.

3) Production of Cash

Making money is quite impossible while doing the route. I'd have to say that this is akin to the Laws of Conservation of Energy, except a little bit retarded. Let me explain.

According to the laws of physics, energy cannot be lost or gained. For every positive, there is a negative.

For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction.

Sure, I make a paycheck that I can spend on comic books, alcohol and video games. But I probably shouldn't do that.

Why?

Well, because over the last year or so, I've gone through two vehicles that I owned and almost one that I didn't.

Pile on top of that the price of gasoline and vehicular parts and labor, and you're netting $0.

Essentially, I have had this route for the last year purely for my health. It's like a workout. It gets me very tired, my arm muscles are getting bigger, and it happens between the hours of 4am and 6am.

4) I no longer wish to bend space and time.

Delivering papers is very aggravating.

Every morning, I go to the plant to pick up my papers. Let's think for a moment that it's a Wednesday, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

What's the day after Thanksgiving? Oh right, Black Friday.

For you non-consumeristic non-Americans, it's the day when this bloated nation goes out and spends all of it's money on Christmas presents.

So, it's the Wedneday before Black Friday. That means that Thanksgiving's paper'll be extra thick.

Okay. I pick up my papers.

This consists of:

- the front page bundles(8 bundles of 30 papers)
- the insert bundles(16[!] bundles of 15 papers). There's so much advertising in here, that they cannot bundle more without breaking even more laws of physics.
- the EXTRA insert bundles. (yet another 16 bundles of 15 papers). Even more advertising, and a story of why Thanksgiving is important.

Now, understand that I said they came in bundles.

Sagien... you don't deliver papers in bundles.

No, Timmy, I don't. I have to roll every single one of those bastards and shove them into a plastic bag. One at a time.

It's raining you say?

Double bag.

5) I'd rather be nonchalant about the weather

What a great segue into reason number five.

I love snow. I love rain.

I love hurricanes and tyhpoons.

Shftleft and mincus can testify for times when I went out into a hurricane and got lost and when they found me I was totally enjoying myself and taunting nature.

Those times are lost now. Those happy, happy times...

When you're driving in snow or torrential downpour and floods for two hours just to deliver insignificant pieces of two day old news, you start hating precipitation.

I'd rather not be the guy who complains about things falling out of the sky.

6) 1516 and 1506 Somers Point-Mays Landing Road and 43 Somers Ave.

Douchebags.

The first two houses call if you are late for one minute. And they are not pleasant. It is a matter of life and death that they have this newspaper before 6AM.

It goes with the morning cup of coffee, you see. We all know how important that is.

The last address is a bit more.. retarded.

The newspaper HAS to be in the newspaper tube(it's like a mailbox for newspapers). This gentleman cannot be bothered to get out of his car and bend over to pick the paper up. I'm sorry I missed.

This person also has a gravel driveway. Gravel tend to be loose.

He gets terribly upset that I move the rocks on his gravel driveway with my car.

I have a solution for that!

Get rid of the newspaper tube, and I'll throw the paper ON your gravel driveway. That way I get to keep off your property, and stay on the pubic road system.

It's a win-win! You see, I saw that movie The Grudge, and I don't like being in strange properties. I don't know what kind of evil resides in them.

---

Sigh. There are a ton more reasons than this, but as you can see, I'm starting to whine and not be funny. I'll reset the writing perspective tonight and maybe add some more reasons at a later time.

Okay. I tag mincus, shftleft, clarus, wombat and dirt.

Why are you quitting your paper route?

Like Clarus

There are several things to be happy for. One of them are my wonderously squinty eyes. Let me explain.

The time in-between jobs is quite possibly the most awful time of the day for me, and maybe the most productive.

I finish my paper route(T minus 25 days) around 6am. I have to be at the Borgata by 8am. These are the things that I fit into those two hours:

6:00 AM Throw last paper on the last house's driveway. This fucker has some kind of dislike for keeping his car's tires/suspension in good shape because he harbors giant puddles on his driveway. One can probably catch some dinner in one of these watering holes. The immediate objective when throwing the paper on the driveway is to get it to land on the island in the middle of his driveway's lake.

6:15 AM Stop at Wawa to purchase a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit, a bottle of Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, a can of Sobe Adrenaline Rush and a pack of Camel Turkish Golds. Flirt with Spanish cashier named Mariella, realize she's Spanish and leave in disgust.

6:17 AM Send an IM to mincus. This usually goes along the lines of "morning" or "hi" He says "hi" back and then I try to subtly dissuade him from marrying.

6:18 AM Eat sausage biscuit thing, drink frappucinno. Remind cat the she doesn't like sausage by trying to feed her some.

6:24 AM Finish eating breakfast. Try to fit the generated trash into one of two overflowing trashcans.

6:25 AM Say gnite to mincus, set alarm devices(laptop, phone, PDA), to go off at 7AM.

6:26 AM Fire up some pr0n

6:28 AM wash hands

6:30 AM Go to sleep.

7:00 AM Alarms goes off. Hit snooze on all three alarm devices.

7:09 AM Get out of bed, and hop in the shower.

7:20 AM Say hi to Clarus if he's online, and to mincus too if he hasn't left for work yet.

7:21 AM Put clothes on. (You got it, I was naked when I said hi to you.)

7:24 AM Say bye to eveyone talking to me on AIM.

7:25 AM out the door.. and into my daily commute.

I have to drive with some kind of Jedi powers every morning, because for the entire time that I am on the A.C. Expressway, this is what assaults my windshield. It is a good thing I have squinty eyes. I hate to think what you under-evolved people with the big round eyes have to do to drive in this.

Big Changes

The next 30 days will change your collective lives.

I put in my 30 Day notice at the paper route yesterday.

T minus 29 days to more happiness. That is all.

Success!

Yay! woo!!

The Meatnormous Breakfast sandwich from Burger King. Here it is pictured next to a Ho Ho(for size comparison).

Finally, my schedule worked out so I can have a Meatnormous. I could barely contain my excitement at the drive through window. I was smiling so much that the (fat)drive through attendant thought I was happy to see her.

The damn thing must weigh about a pound, taking it out of the bag.

The sandwich tastes like everything I thought it would. It is so meaty and disgusting that it gives me what I can only describe as a grease headache. It's kindof like an ice cream headache except you're quesy and feel like you just drank some lard.

Fast food count for 2006: 2.

This should probably do me good for the rest of the year. I'm not even going to eat the hashbrowns that came with it.

Or the Ho ho. Poor Ho Ho... not getting eaten and what not..

Failure

Hello Everyone!

I missed you too.

Okay, so here's what happened.

It's been a very busy last few weeks, and there really should be plenty to write about, but nothing comes to mind right now.

My Christmas was wonderful, looking back on it. At the time, I pretty much hated existence.

This morning, I was late for my paper route. This might be due to the KillZone I've been playing lately. I am convinced that the game is broken and I'm trying to fix it by killing as much Hellghast as possible. Apparently it's the only way to fix it.

Because I was late this morning, and the $20 tip I found in a mailbox on the route, I decided that after delivering papers, I'd go for the Meatnormous Omelet Breakfast Sandwich at Burger King.

I arrived at the drive through around 6:45 AM. Happily, I screamed at the ordering squaking box: "HI!"

"Sorry, we're closed right now.. can you come back at um.. 7?"

It was a very sad failure.

I went to McDonalds instead, making the grand total for McDonalds trip for the year 2006: 1.

I've been mentioned in a couple of your blogs lately...

Clarus, if you're going reference me, try to spell my name correctly. It's embarassing.

Also, my good friend Rita thought I should do some kinda meme thing. Lemme tell ya, if you were a dude and not good looking, I'd be totally ripping you apart right now. But instead, I think I'll do your bidding.

Here's the general gist of it:

My Weird Things list

Here are the rules; the first player of this game starts with the topic. Five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.

A few stipulations though. I will not be tagging anyone. I only do one weird thing, other than that, I'm perfectly normal. That's it.

Weird thing number one:

1) I eat at Denny's. That's not the weird part. I order the same thing everytime I go to Denny's. Eggs(over easy), two sausages, two bacon strips, hash browns and white toast. They must be eaten in this manner:

-The eggs must be hacked up by fork, and seasoned with salt and pepper.
-The eggs can only be eaten with toast. I place the eggs on a triangle of toast and take a bite of the sausage along with it. There are four toast triangles and four bites of sausages. There should be just enough eggs for this ritual.
-Once the eggs are consumed, I will mix the hash browns in with the egg juice that is left and season them with salt.
-I squirt some ketchup in close proximity to the hash browns, just barely touching the pile.
-For consumption, I will fork the potatoes along with some ketchup. Every three bites will be accompanied by a piece of bacon.

This ritual should generate a clean empty plate. Unless I wasn't that hungry to begin with. Sometimes I leave some hash browns.

That is all. Have a great next five weeks. =)