-=(Sagien)=-

This is the dawning of the rest of our lives

I don't want to give a shit, but I do. I don't want to share how I feel, but I will. It is not an act of wanting your attention. I just want to know that someone else is capabe of feeling.

In my travels, I've learned that what people say is not enough. Words are meaningless when there is nothing else to show for.

On this blog, I laid myself out to all of you. You've seen me happy, depressed, content, upset, and a myriad of other feelings and states of mind. Now I come to you to show that I am lost. I no longer wish to be here.

I know the opposite to this is true: It seems that nobody is really listening.. or maybe it is that people just don't understand.

This is my heart on my sleeve... and I fuckin hate it.

Step back eleven years into the past.

The sound of the modem finally finding the line not busy. I wake up from a half asleep state and check the time. It's three in the morning.

Vitalogy is playing on my cassette deck. I had it on repeat. I get up from my bed and sit on the uncomfortable chair in front of my computer.

I watch the wonder of 2400bps connection speed to the BBS. Line after line of ANSI graphics agonizingly scroll by.

Welcome to Dragon's Laid BBS

A few more screens later, I go to the mail menu to check my messages. It said I had one.

From: Harper
To: Undertaker
Subject: hi

i am new here.. wanna show me around?

I instruct the BBS that I wanted to reply to the message.

To: Harper
Subject: Re: hi

Sure, man. What do you wanna know?

I go on my merry way to play LoRD. Today, I can purchase an Able's Sword. The armor can come later...

....

The next evening, I logged back on. I have a new message.

From: Harper
To: Undertaker
Subject: Re: hi

I'm not a guy.

Next comes the mundane details of how a relationship starts. It includes me buying her her own Able's Sword a few days later and then me getting to touch her vagina a few weeks after that. I'll spare you the details.

We'll skip ahead to two years later and how I should've learned my lesson.

I had just pryed her off of me, after she was clinging to me begging me not to go.

Mike, I love you. We were meant to be together. ::sob::

I ripped her hand out of my arm forcefully. Her nails were digging into my skin.

It's over.

I slammed the door in her face.

This was my first real relationship and I ended it. It was quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done. You just want to hold on.

So, we'll be separated for a week? Then we can see if we can try again?, she asked.

That sounds reasonable, was my reply.

Three days later she's seeing someone else. Four days later, she's fucking someone else. Five days later, she's rubbing it in my face. Six days later, I lost a tooth because I was drunk.

This is where I should've learned my lesson. To this I wrote a haiku. It's rather beautiful.

Go to hell you bitch.
I never should've given
You that Able's Sword.

I want my LoRD money back.

Trips Through the Sunlight

The Rice Pad.. in it's alternating glory.

There are strange people that go through South Jersey. I hate South Jersey.

Meet Exhibit A.

Exhibit A got into a conversation with Camel about life and such. I was barely paying attention until the phrase "there are reptilian aliens living amongst us" escaped from this idiot's lips.

There are reptilian aliens. They're called Cardassians. They only live in Star Trek, though.

I can't stand people's dumb-shit assumptions about general life.

Exhibit B.

Look closely. One of those stuffed animals have been rendered anatomically correct.

No, I didn't create the anatomically correct bunny.

Some dumb-shit kid did. He was giggling in the corner with his dumb-shit friend.

Har har har.

It's so fucking funny.

I've been undressing mannequins in department stores since I was three... hmm.

I don't come out of my apartment very often. Lately, when I do come out, I'm accosted by the bright sun and my eyes start to water. It seems that the sun that I used to rule has turned on me, perhaps in anger by the abandonment of it's Sun God. That or my vision perscription changed and I need to go to the doctor and get new contact lenses....

But when I do come out of the Rice Pad, I come across so many goddamned stupid people.

Example:

Back when I worked for Radio Shack(yeah fuck you, you made a lying sack of shit your CEO and you started losing money), I'd have customers looking for replacement batteries for their cordless phones. Here are a few facts to consider while purchasing cordless phone batteries. This may or may not be common knowledge.

1) Radio Shack employees make money out of commission.

1a) When a Radio Shack employee tells you that he cannot sell you a battery because YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH PHONE YOU HAVE, he isn't trying to blow you off. There are HUNDREDS of different manufacturer makes and models of cordless phones. Each one of those normally requires a different battery.

Trust me. He'd love to take your $10 for a battery Radio Shack paid 3 cents for. That's good commission.

2) You probably cannot tell which battery you need just by looking at them. Why? They all look the same. Except for the little plug in the end. They are shaped DIFFERENTLY.

3) Why do you still have a house phone?!

4) If your phone is yellowish in color, you should probably throw it away. It was more than likely white when you purchased it. Throw it out. Get a new one. Make it black this time. Tell the Radio Shack employee that. He'd love to take your $125 for a phone Radio Shack paid 3 cents for.

--
ugh

I hated retail. I hated the people who worked there too. Lying sons of bitches. All of them.

Actually, don't shop at Radio Shack. If you had half a brain, you can find anything you need online. For cheaper. Probably for what Radio Shack pays for them to sell to you fat lazy bastards who wouldn't know how to turn on a toaster.

The 'Mike is Great' Lighter

[picture unavailable]

Where the fuck is it?

The 'Mike is Great' lighter originated in a spark of originality one day in the Hamilton Mall.

Here's how it happened.

Sagien: I'd like to have this Zippo engraved. ::places a Zippo lighter on the counter of Things Remembered::

clerk: Okay.. what's your name?

Sagien: Mike.

clerk: What font would you like?

Sagien: Olde English.

clerk: And what would you like it to say?

Sagien: Mike Is Great.

I was very proud of that lighter and my juvenile cleverness. However, over the years it developed a mind of it's own.

Whenever I had it in my possession it produced nothing but bad luck, and when it was gone, life was great. Girlfriends broke up with me when I had it in my possession, I've lost jobs, roommates, places to live, cars, etc..

One day, I've had enough of it and I let Joe Camel know of it's evil ways. He claims to not know of the whereabouts but I call bullshit.

Tonight, I sit here full of alcohol and I've decided that I miss it and that it wishes me no harm.

So.. where the fuck is it, Camel?

I'd like to take a picture of it.

Lasers.

Scientist and sociologists alike have been running off at the mouth for years about what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. Opposable thumbs? Undoubtedly. ...Our ability to reason? Perhaps. ...Science? You're getting warmer!

Perhaps what truly separate man from beast are lasers.

Think about it:

Do apes have lasers? Not yet.

How about sharks? Probably never.

In a post titled "Gettysburgh, PA", the United Brethren Euro-Mormon blog has implied that what separates mankind apart is war, by stating that "Animals don't go to war". Don't kid yourself- I'm pretty sure they would if they had lasers.

It seems the only species on earth that possesses this kind of technology is humans, and our spectrum of application is infinite.

How infinite, you say? Well, here are a few examples:

EXAMPLE 1) Torcher

James Bond, himself, almost lost his crotch to a laser.

EXAMPLE 2) Health Care Services

My good friend Dave underwent surgical correction to his vision, made possible by lasers.

EXAMPLE 4) Cosmetic Use

Electrolysis is just another name for laser. But you wouldn't pay to get your pubes singed off if they told you what they were really going to use.

EXAMPLE 5) National defense

Enough said.

And most recently, I was delighted to stumble upon an entirely new example just last weekend, while enjoying a vanilla milkshake at the Galloway Diner. It's a bit difficult to explain, so perhaps it would serve this dissertation to simply show you the ad from my placemat.

Now, I don't know much about how lasers work, but I'm pretty sure they could fuck your car up somethin' fierce. At the very least, this couldn't be good for your paint job. And, man do I feel foolish after arguing for 10 minutes at the dealership, insisting that I don't need rustproofing or laser-coating.

Hooray for lasers.