-=(Sagien)=-

Another Foot in Hell's Door

I figured that the only way to appease some people who are all like "all you do is talk about yourself" and not get fired from my job or sued or whatever is to make fun of people on the Internets.

This one will probably guarantee some minor soul burning.

Cragislist to the rescue!

A nerdy woman looking for her nerdy man. - 23

Promising title. Let's take a look!

Hello :)
My name is Erin and I'm here looking for someone with intelligence, a good sense of humor, open-mindedness, and honesty.

Woot! She's all, "Hi, I'm Erin" and, digging deep from past experiences, most Erins are cute. Score!

I begin to imagine this cute, lithe creature. Bouncy and in short shorts.

And I'm smart, funny as hell... hmm not so open-minded.. and I lie constantly. Two out of four. I should be okay. Let's keep reading.

I like reading, writing fiction, playing board games, watching the Discovery Channel, and Jeopardy! Yes, I'm a nerd - how can you tell? ;) I also like to do less nerdy things like go to the movies, shop, take trips into the city, go out for a drink, and hang out in Atlantic City.

Wow! A girl who can read and write! This gets better and better.

And I like board games. I don't throw meticulously setup games of Risk after hours of frustrating play... Discovery Channel is okay and boy do I love Jeopardy. Aasome.

I can totally tell she's a nerd. I'm not a nerd, but that's fine. That means she'll worship me like a dependent, clingy human.

As an added bonus, she likes doing normal human things, too. Nice!

If you want to chat, drop me a line :)

I'm doing just that! =) ... but wait a sec...

I guess I should also mention that I'm in a wheelchair. It's not a big deal to me, and I hope it's not a big deal to you. Even though I'm disabled, I can do a lot of things. Please have an open mind. Thanks!

Oh dear God in Heaven.

I don't wanna be pushing around some gimp. This'd be like fuckin a chick with one leg. Plus my apartment has stairs.

There's no fuckin way in hell I'm installing a wheelchair lift.

And now I'm having visions of her falling off of the chair and people laughing at her... and to feel normal, I'd have to laugh along with them. I can't do this...

AAAAAAAAAhhh! Lordy!

FUCK! DUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRR DUuuuuuuuuuuuuRRR dur.

Dur.

----

And it'd probably be cool if I made this all up. At least I'm just an awful human being because of my imagination.

Too bad I didn't make it up. See?

Character Assassination

What's up? I'm omgsexy these days, aren't I?

The people who say that there's dirt on my face are just jealous of my awesome "bad guy look" achievement. Deep down, they want my sex. My sex wtfpwns all.

My "madness" is deliberate.

It all starts with the Dyson's Sphere. And it ends there too.

Sagien, what the hell are you talking about?

It's all part of the plan, Timmy. I am the next step in the evolutionary ladder.

You've gone crazy, gook.

No. Crazy are people who make up conversations with some imaginary friend and write out the whole transcript on their blog. I like to think of myself as inspired.

You see, in order for the human race to achieve the next step in evolution, we need to master a few minor details about our environment. One of those few things is the ability to harness the power of the giant boiling cauldron of hot that floats in the sky. You normals would call it the sun.

uhh.. solar panels?

Uhh.. you're an idiot?

Solar panels are for vibrators or anything small(compared to my penis) like that that needs power.

A Dyson's Sphere encircles the sun and gathers ALL of the energy that it lets out. Picture it as a hollow ball with the sun in the middle, with "solar panels" all inside the ball. Do you see how awesome it is?

..man you told me this crazy plan before... you told anyone who was stupid enough to listen to you..

Oh. So you know about the whole Artificial Intelligence plan?

yeah.. you're going to make a semi-autonomous knowbot that you're going to "upload" into your brain when Shadowrun style datajacks are around.. then you're going to have the semi-autonomous knowbot activate the "90% of the human brain that is inactive" in your brain. Then you're going to upload your consciousness into the internets. You've mentioned all of this before in the Tun Tavern, when you were drunk as fuck and Joe Camel left you alone at the bar so he can go have a smoke outside.

So.. the plan is in motion.

You're exhausting.

Where'd you learn that big word, Timmy? Was that your Word-of-the-Day Calendar word?

Why don't you just finish telling me what the hell you're talking about before I lose patience?

Okay, fine. So about 6 or so months ago, I downloaded this EyeQ thing to increase my reading speed so I can assimilate information at a much higher rate than I used to be able to.

Yeah yeah.. you can read at over 1k words per minute. I'm sure that's getting you laid.

Well, that was the original plan. But then I realized that girls aren't impressed by how fast I read. So I just kept reading. I read a lot these days and IM a lot of people. And then I realized that there are other things written in words that are not English...

So?

Yeah. I thought the same thing at first. I mean.. if it isn't in English then wtf does it matter right?

Did you just say double you tee eff instead of "what the fuck" out loud?

Maybe. Focus. I decided that the all-encompassing scope of the English language might've missed a piece of literature or two that's written in a different language.

You can't read/write/understand any other languages other than your native tongue. And Filipino is pretty useless, as you've mentioned.

That's why I'm downloading all of the languages available from Rosetta Stone Language Learning software.

I'm going home. Go find another figment of your imagination to talk to.