-=(Sagien)=-

8 gifts that won't chafe or bite

It's been another exciting year in this irrevocably gay thing called life.

It's that special time of year again when I show just how very much I care about all of my friends by sparing no expense and giving the best gifts that links can give.

A special note this year, I have in the past struggled getting gift links for certain people. I think I have found a solution this year though. If you aren't explicitly named, consider this your gift (Please choose the $25 amount. This isn't a charity)

And now, on to the list -

Mike: Create your own action figure - I will pay in full for an Asian character

Jeff: We do things my way...

Ken: You always did have some interesting glasses

Pat: No one is cooler than pat

Jen: Woo Plants!

Amanda: Although fragrance is over played as an xmas gift, this one breaks through.

Jackie: Not a coolest dad per se, but you do the whole kid thing.

Dana: For your crazy wild motorcycle lifestyle - roulette

And the obligatory xmas card

Sagienally Gay

*Picture taken at Caroline's Bar on Bay Avenue in Somers Point, NJ. Racist bastards.

It's a Conversation Ruiner

A conversation ruiner is something that just kills whatever kind of intelligent exchange of words between two or more individuals and it's usually something really stupid. A couple examples:

Guess What/That's What

Delivery:

Sagien: Guess what?
Wombat: What?
Sagien: That's what.

Because of this extremely immature and annoying "joke" nobody in my circle of friends would say the word "what" for a good solid year out of fear of the bomb that was the "That's what" response which was almost certainly followed by diabolical inane laughter.

This running gag became so obnoxious and ruined so many conversations that never even started that I've eventually ended up being ignored, dispised, thrown out of cars and molested because of it.

You're a [insert whatever here]...

Delivery:

mincus: I need some anal beads.
Sagien: You're anal beads.

or..

mincus: I could sure use a blowjob
Sagien: You're a blowjob.

More stupid than annoying, this form of wordplay has recently resurfaced as an almost benign cancer. Most users of this "conversation killer" partake in it almost absentmindedly and just garner strange "why did you just say that" look from their intended victims.

Adverbially Gay

This is my new favorite one. This didn't start out as something that was intended to kill conversations. This started out as a running joke between mincus and I where we'd attach an adverb in front of the word gay and then laugh hysterically at ourselves. Let's give it a shot.

Stupendously gay
Suddenly gay
Tremendously gay
Racially gay
Undoubtedly gay
Terrifyingly gay
Chronically gay
Passively gay
Belligerantly gay
Unitelligibly gay
Forcibly gay
Logodaedalusly gay
Contractually gay

... This could go on all day... and it does. This is the reason why it's a conversation killer. Let me demonstrate

Joe Camel: Did you guys see that new movie? It was really ---
Sagien: Theatrically gay.
[insane laughter]

Insanely gay

oh and in commemoration of ISSF being banned from workplaces that use Websense everywhere:

Tastelessly gay.

Woo!

I know you bunch of morons are going to start IMing me being all retarded like:

RandomAIMchix0r: romg sagien that was funny post. I have one! Funnily gay ::snickernodgigglefart::

And I'll be all like

Sagien: stfu idiot

And I appreciate comments like that.

I appreciate it even more if it was made on the blog.

Cuz then it's funny for everyone.

Thanks.

Why I Quit Smoking.

Let's stop wondering.

Yes, I quit smoking and I still haven't had a smoke since I posted about quitting a couple of weeks ago.

It was mildly surprising at first, but I get no overbearing cravings nor do I get irritable.

I haven't gained any weight. In fact, I lost some. The loveable fat ninja of ISSF fame is slowly going away.

So, I'm smoke free, healthy, have more energy and generally more comfortable with life. This is how it happened:

[P.S. I know it might seem that I'm beating this subject into the ground, but I thought I might actually help out some of you who are thinking of quitting smoking]

1) Quit smoking.

This decision pretty much became a no-brainer when a few things made it blatantly clear that smoking wasn't in my best interest anymore.

I started smoking for a couple of reasons and none of them were very good ones:

-I liked the way it tasted.
-My friends smoke.
-Asians sporting a ponytail and a long black trenchcoat always look cooler with a lit cigarette.

I still love the way it tastes. I love the way the smoke travels through my air passages and into my lungs. It was soothing and calming and almost as good as sex when you haven't had a smoke for awhile. Fuck. It was breathtaking in every sense of the word.

And I loved joining my friends for a smoke... standing around in a circle and discussing any little thing that comes to mind. Or going outside with a girl sitting next to you on the porch and stealing a kiss after taking drags off of your cigarettes. It was romantic. You're sharing a common activity, huddled close in the cold night air. It came naturally.

Socially, it served as a calming barrier when having a debate or an argument. I can not count the number of times I lit up a smoke after I had to tell some triflin' whore what I thought of her.

In the sense of evil Asian supervillainy, nothing completes the picture better than a Camel between my fingers .

But I had to quit.

That calming feeling that you get isn't because cigarette smoke is great. It's because you're addicted. You are an addict. It's like that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the Enterprise encountered two civilizations that had struck a centuries old agreement over the shipment of a drug called Felicium. Remember when they finally took their dose? That calmed, relaxed look they had on their faces? Yeah.. you remember. You watch Star Trek and you know it.

Fuck you! Crusher was all like "Holy shit, Jean Luc.. that wasn't the response of someone with a disease being relieved out of their symptoms.. that was the response of someone who just fuckin shot up some heroin."

That's the same feeling you get when you take that drag. You know what that makes you? That makes you a loser piece of shit who can't get over some drug. That's worse than being wombat! Being wombat means you can't get over girls. Ever. That existence is less pitiful than some asshole fiending for a smoke.

And as far as cigarette smoking being social goes.. screw that. In the state of New Jersey you can no longer smoke indoors unless you're at home or in a casino, and the latter is currently under attack.

It's fucking cold outside. I can see my breath. And you know what else?

It gets hot as balls here too. I like climate controlled central air and heat. I also like the way my climate controlled apartment has smelled ever since I quit smoking.

It doesn't smell like an ashtray or a wino's asshole.

It smells like a fresh shower. I don't have to go out outside to trick the girl into thinking that my apartment doesn't smell bad so she should fuck me. We do that in the bedroom. My bed's made of feathers.

So, Sagien.. aren't you fat as all fuck-alls now that you quit?

No, I'm not. That's because I am smarter than you.

I did notice that I was gaining a few pounds after I kicked the habit. I also noticed that I had an insane oral fixation that corresponded with quitting. I wasn't eating that much more so the weight gain was rather baffling.

I had two options:

I could start sucking on and playing with cock.

Or I could diet.

Since I'm neither gay nor Californian, sucking cock and dieting(in the sense of eating less shit and healthier junk) were out of the question.

After doing some reading, it turns out that your metabolism tends to drop once you quit smoking. Your body doesn't have to fight as hard to be healthy anymore. However, this meant that it's not breaking down the foods that you'd normally eat as quickly as it would've if you were still smoking.

Further research indicated that eating smaller portions and having meals more often actually helped with boosting your metabolic rate. Perfect!

It solves two problems. In case you're dumb as fuck and can't figure this shit out, I'll spell it out for you.

Eating more often took care of the oral fixation. Eating less, more often took care of my metabolism. Holy fuck, Sagien! You're a genius!

And they said you can't quit smoking and lose weight as part of the same New Year's resolution.

So, with my eating habits set, my weight gain stabilized and reversed itself. My beer belly actually started getting smaller.

I've also noticed an increase in energy levels. Wow. That means I can excersize without losing my breath.

I started walking everywhere. It helped curb the cravings too. It simulated the sort of out-of-breathedness that you got when smoking. Only it was good for you.

I also made a bunch of little changes here and there. I quit drinking coffee and switched to tea. It makes you look more sophisticated, and since we're still going for the Evil Asian Overlord look, sophistication is a plus.

Also, I found out that eating fruits and vegetables is unlimited.

Holy shit!

Why didn't anyone tell me that I can shove as much of that stuff into my stomach as I damn well pleased?

I stocked up on pineapples and green bell peppers. It's awesome! I love pineapples.

It makes your sperm taste great! ... not that I've tasted my sperm .. or any sperm for that matter..

In any case, that's the story.

I did it because it was good for me. The benefits of quitting that filthy habit are tremendous.

I've saved so much money not just from buying packs of smokes everyday, but on the gas to drive to the store and on the money I'd spend on snacks just because I'm at the store.

And this thing is.. it's easy.

Sure, the first week of detox and physical withdrawal was hell. But that shit is cake. You are a living, breathing, thinking organism and you're up against nicotine. You'd have to be a paramecium to lose.

And don't listen to that bullshit on TV that those fags from Truth puts out. Nobody gives a shit about how many people die every blahblahblah because of smoking. Putting body bags in front of a building doesn't mean a goddamned thing. It doesn't make a major corporation stop producing the one product that puts food on their dinner table.

I'm not going out on a limb when I say that the folks from The Truth are a bunch of fuckin retards just looking for a cause to fight for.

No, quit because you're not an idiot. This shit does nothing for you.

It doesn't even get you high.

Fuck that.