wombat

Quiz: How Gaytarded Are You?

Well, as this years’ Gaytard of the Year contest draws closer and closer, I thought, what can I do keep people interested? The answer was quite simple, you see.

How gaytarded are you?

Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly) Presents…

THE “HOW GAYTARDED ARE YOU?” QUIZ!

The Questions:
(Note: please keep track of your answers on a separate sheet of paper.)

1) You’re at the mall shopping with your mom for new pants, you:

a) Borrow money and go to totally bitchin’ stores like Pac Sun, and The Gap by yourself.
b) Let her feel around your crotch for room.
c) Check out the cleavage of the HighSchool girls on the first floor.
d) You don’t go shopping with your mom.

2) When you have sex, you:

a) Perform well until you realize you’re having sex. Then, it’s just a matter of seconds before that disappointed look creeps across the girls face.
b) You don’t really have sex, and never will.
c) Find yourself pleading to the girl to let you try again.
d) Close your eyes to forget that you’re actually only jerking-off.

3) When you and a friend are confronted with a pretty girl asking for directions, you:

a) Stutter over your words and fuck it up regardless of having lived in the area for 20+ years.
b) Tell the girl how stupid your friend is.
c) Give her flawless directions and *snap* your fingers in triumph as she walks away and out of your life forever.
d) Point a lot so she looks around, and while she’s not paying attention, look at her boobs.

4) If a female telemarketer calls you, trying to sell you a new long distance plan, you:

a) Ask her out.
b) Say, “Uh-huh,” a lot, then tell her your call-waiting is beeping, and then hang up.
c) Change your phone plan because you’re sure that she really likes you.
d) Jerk-off to the sound of her voice.

5) There’s a pretty girl in a bookstore you would like to talk to. You are with a friend. You:

a) Talk to her like it’s no big deal.
b) Start to sweat, think about what to say, but never actually make an approach, all the while asking your friend what you should say.
c) When in earshot of the girl, you make fun of your friend’s obesity in hopes of harnessing some sort of mutual hatred of ugly people.
d) End up without the girl’s phone number, and therefore, drunk on Caucasians 20 minutes after you get home.

6) When you and your roommate get into a fight with packing tape, ending up taped together and struggling to breathe, you:

a) Use the opportunity to write some really good “gay” material.
b) Find a knife and cut yourselves apart.
c) Fuck it. You’re tired. Take a nap – you’ll cut yourselves free later.
d) Spit in each others faces until one of you cries.

7) A girl has just walked up to you and asked you for a light. You:

a) Tell her you think you saw someone else with a lighter.
b) Pull a book of matches out of your pocket and light your shirt on fire.
c) Stare at her until she walks away.
d) Light her cigarette, then coyly tell her she’ll be dead in six years from smoking so much.

8) A girl has a flat tire on the side of the road. She’s really fat. You:

a) Help her.
b) Keep driving
c) Keep driving.
d) Eat it John Wally.

9) There’s a girl you’ve been obsessing about at work. You:

a) Keep obsessing.
b) Ask her to lunch.
c) Mention that the French refer to the orgasm as La Petit Mort, or, “the little death.”
d) Just try not to fart when she’s standing behind you at the water cooler.

And, in the spirit of the season: (We are, after all, a nationally syndicated press)

10) It’s Halloween. You are in your mid-twenties. You go as:

a) Harry Potter.
b) A pirate.
c) Conan the Barbarian
d) A member of Kiss.

Let’s see how you did!
(Note: Each answer has a different point value for each question, so I hope you were keeping track! If not, go back and do it again. Idiot.)

The Answers:

#1
A – 1 – Though you abandon your poor mother, you still went to the mall with her.
B – 3 – Part of being a Gaytard is getting cheap feels from you mom.
C – 5 – Another part of being a Gaytard, is being a pervert and pretending you’re not.
D – 0 – Sorry.

#2
A – 1 – Though a moron about it, you’re still having sex.
B – 5 – The tried and true mark of the gaytard: Virginity. Regardless of how much sex you should be having, you’re still not.
C – 3 – Hmm. Kinda pathetic. And, well, that’s very important.
D – 0 – This is just stupid. No one does this.

#3
A – 5 – Total Gaytard move here. Good job.
B – 3 – Some people try to make themselves not look gaytarded by putting down their friends. Doesn’t work.
C – 2 – Though you spoke clearly, did you get her name? Probably not.
D – 1 – A classic move, and almost too awesome to make you a gaytard.

#4
A – 3 – Assuming you ask her out for the sake of humor…
B – 1 – This move is too money for gaytards.
C – 5 – Gaytards can’t resist feminine wiles.
D – 1 – Total pervert move here.

5#
A – 0 – Gaytards don’t do this.
B – 5 – This is the gaytard in all of us. Well, mincus anyway. But, that’s how you end up cover boy for four years.
C – 2 – This is a total dick move. Also, it requires a level of comfort that most gaytards don’t possess. However, it’s kinda pathetic. And that’s always important.
D – 4 – Pretty good level of gaytardedness here.

#6
A – 3 – Pretty good answer here, but, perspective isn’t good for a gaytard.
B – 1 – Not gay enough.
C – 5 – Totally gay. Totally lazy. This is the best answer.
D – 3 – Funny, but, not totally gaytarded.

#7
A – 4 – Naivety is key being a good gaytard.
B – 3 – Stupid, yes. Gaytarded? Maybe.
C – 5 – This is the perfect response.
D – 1 – Too “cool guy” for a gaytard.

#8
A – 3 – Even though the girl is fat, it’s still nice to help people. And being nice is for suckers. And gaytards.
B – 1 – It’s totally cool to ignore fat chicks. But, you still noticed her.
C – 3 – It took you to the second mentioning of this option to take it. Total gaytard.
D – 0 – It’s far too money to tell John Wally to ‘eat it’ to garner any points.

#9
A – 5 – The gaytard would rather wonder and obsess than actually do anything about anything. Ever.
B – 0 – I think not!
C – 2 – Smooth, I think , would describe this. It taps into a woman’s sexual desires.
D – 5 – Also, a good amount of gaytardedness in this option.

#10
A – 2 – Gay, but, not gaytarded.
B – 5 – Totally gaytarded. Pirates were the first gaytards.
C – 1 – Conan was too kickass to be a gaytard. But, it’s still a costume. And participating in things is gay.
D – 4 – These guys, although having the right idea about songs and songwriting, were really really gaytarded. I mean, come on. Face paint?

How’d you do?

Tally up your score and use the following chart to determine your degree of gaytardedness.

1 – 10 – An asshole, maybe. But, not a gaytard. Better luck next year.
11 – 20 – Better, but, you still have too many redeeming social qualities that keep you from your full gaytarded potential.
21 – 30 – You are the average gaytard. A few quirks here and there, but, still nothing impressive.
31 – 40 – Above average Gaytard. You probably haven’t had sex in a while, but, you’ve probably have had you hand in some pies, regardless. You’ve found your nitch in the world of women, and therefore, know tricks to getting laid. Still, you’ll probably never shake the feeling of chicks hating you.
41-49 – You are what all Gaytards strive to be. You probably never have sex, obsess about everything, memorize word lists, indulge completely into whatever thing you happen to be interested in at the moment (i.e. Rubic’s cube, scrabble, Woody Allen movies, geometry, etc.)
50 – You are the perfect Gaytard. You have never had sex. And you never, ever will. Girls probably think you’re cute, but, you’re too dumb to realize it. ~fin~

DISCLAIMER: For entertainment purposes only. Getting a high score/perfect score does not necessarily make you a valid candidate for GOY. No quiz can determine an actual level of gaytardedness. Only employees of Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly), its associates, derivatives, and subsidiaries can make such judgements. While certain aspects of your personality might make you a moron, or an idiot, or a flat out asshole, they do not necessarily make you a gaytard.

Posted by wombat at October 29, 2003 10:32 PM