wombat

To Russia, With Love...

On the river, Sagien raises, three dollars. Across the table sits the Russian, eyes wide, pensive, but somewhat lost. After a moment, he calls.

It is one-thirty in the morning, three hours into the "friendly game" of no limit hold'em.

Sagien throws down a pair of 9's. The Russian throws down his own hold cards, but, says nothing, eyes tracing the flop, turn and river. Sagien, too drunk for words, makes a hand gesture. Fuck it. Take it down.

"What happened? Is it mine?" asks the Russian.

Yes. It's yours, high stack. Again.

~

I thought things like this only happened on shitty sitcoms like Full House or Benson, but, there are guys who will play crap hands and win every time, then become an unbearably adorable nimrod when they take the chips, because apparently they "don't know" that two pair beats one pair.

In the end of the game, I, wombat, was of course the ultimate loser, buying in three different times for a total loss of sixty bucks.

I rationalize this loss by saying... Hm. Well, actually, there's no real way to rationalize playing poker like a retard. So, instead, I will relate stories of the winners, and how each one of them pissed me off in their own special way.

We already covered the Russian, so, I'll start with...

CLARUS

To be honest, Clarus didn't really do anything wrong. He played well, kept the conversation to a minimum, and kept the action going. The only thing that bothered me about Clarus was the fact that he kicked my ass on a hand, about 30 minutes into the game, making me buy-in for the second time.

I really thought those pocket threes, with the two aces on the flop would have been gold. And they were. For Clarus.

Clarus' quote:

Wombat, I think you and D1rt are tied for the funniest shit said in the ISSF chatroom.

No arguements there. We bring the funny.

ELLIAJ

This is Clarus's girlfriend. She played well all night. Also, she's a woman. So, that's two points against her already.

She was nice, quick to play, played well, was courteous... That is, until, she got a little drunk. Then it was like playing poker with a old person who doesn't know what year it is.

Example: Check's all around. Then it got to Elliaj.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

"[ELLIAJ]!!!!!!!!"

It was like I was driving my car. I HATE driving my car. Because, I hate waiting for some idiot to make the turn into his driveway that I FUCKING KNOW HE MAKES EVERY DAY!!!

Granted, I'm a little impatient these days. But, I lost. And everyone else won. So, I get to be a jerk. So, shuddup.

Also, she held her hold cards in her hand, near her boobs. And many a round she was skipped, because I didn't know where her cards were. Often, they were in her hand, under the table. Where I'm sure she wasn't trading in aces when her boyfriend, Clarus, was dealing.

I'm sure of it.

"Friendly game."

Elliuj's Quote:

Wombat, I think you and Cyanne were perfect together. Seriously, I do.

Man, Clarus and I had a good laugh about that one. Because I used to pork his sister, Cyanne. A lot. Sometimes in the butt.

D1RT

I have no complaints with D1rt, except that he won. And the one pot I won all night, he tried to wrestle five dollars worth out of my hand. That is, until he saw the never ending sadness that is my soul.

Also, he was still reeling from putting a jar of salsa in his fly and thrusting towards the cosmos as I dipped many a Tostito into the firey red sauce and vegetable hunks.

SAGIEN

No complaints. Though, it was funny that every time the Russian made a 3 dollar raise (which was every hand), Sagien would reiterrate "This is supposed to be a friendly game." To which the Russian would chuckle.

Exchange of the night:

Wombat reaches into the beer box and pulls out a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"Wombat, we can't get that beer."
"Why? It's good."
"There's gonna be girls there."
"Who?"
Sagien paused. "Elliuj."

Pabst it is.

WOMBAT

Let's see. How do I loathe, thee? Let me count the ways. Well, for one I'm a moron. I'm impatient and play like a jackass because to me... Ah, who cares. I suck at poker. I say I won't play again, but, I will.

My favorite exchange of the night:

Sagien: We're swearing off sex.
Wombat: Who?
Sagien: We are.
Wombat: Who's "we"?
Sagien: You and I.
Womat: Oh. (beat) No, that's not happening.
Sagien: No masturbating either.

Hahhahahahahaha.... Yeah. That'll happen.

Posted by wombat at October 2, 2005 12:03 PM