wombat

When bad habits begin...

Sagien has been smoking for a long time.

I'm the king of bad habits. I'll admit it. My main daily functions are mostly just bad habits. Without them, I'd stay in bed.

A typical day for wombat goes like this:

(see if you can guess which steps are the most habitual)

1) Touch my morning erection.
2) Roll around in bed thinking about masturbating.
3) Eat the snacks I left by my bed the night before and wipe my hands on the sheets.
4) Masturbate.
5) Shower.
6) Avoid shaving.
7) Avoid responsibility.
8) Sit in my office chair and smoke a cigarette while trying to sift through the prior day's writing/music madness.
9) Watch porn.
10) repeat.

Now, lets go one step at a time.

1) Touch my morning erection...

It's true. I can feel it creeping up over my fat stomach, and it usually feels sorta good, so, well...

2) Roll around in the bed and think about masturbating...

There really isn't much to think about it. I know what's gonna happen.

3) Eat the snacks I left by my bed the night before and wipe my hands on the sheets...

Being a lazy person, I tend to leave refuse all over the place. At any given point you might find in the upwards of 4 open bags of chips and other snacks throughout my small apartment. Often, I will fold the open part of the bag underneat itself and tuck it up above my dvd player. In the morning, I will snack semi-conscious while swilling on a glass of luke-warm iced tea that was left out, say, anywhere from 2 to 5 days ago.

4) Masturbate...

This is equivalent to brushing my teeth. Gotta do it or I'll get gingivitis.

5) Shower...

Well, I'm not a savage for fuck's sake.

6) Avoid shaving...

Sometimes I go days without shaving. Some chicks dig the beard, others dig it not. I could care less what women think about my facial hair. Unless they're cute. Then, I'll do whatever they want. And, gentlemen, that's the key to buttsex.

7) Avoid responsibility...

This isn't a habit so much as an element of my lifestyle. For instance, right now I'm making a post about how bad I am at life, taking no strides to do anything about it, for the sole purpose of wasting time and possibly entertaining the losers that read ISSF.

8) Sit in my office chair and smoke a cigarette while trying to sift through the prior day's writing madness...

Specifically I'm speaking of the smoking aspect of this step. It's a new habit, and I can go hours/days without needing to smoke. In fact, I've been up since 8 and haven't had one yet. (Right now it's 9... Okay, that's a lie. It's 2 in the afternoon. And I already smoked twice.) Anyway. It's a new thing, and it's fairly interesting that I use it to fill gaps in time. Where I used to pace or try to jerk-off, or watch tv I now smoke a cigarette.

9) Watch porn...

This step works in conjuction with #'s 1,2, & 4. Often, without porn, masturbation becomes futile. Even the glorious phenomenon of a naturally occuring morning erection (which occurs in REM sleep, fyi) can fall under the thrall of thoughts and depression and when it comes time to get down to said business you may find yourself sans erection. Hence the porn. And hence its necessity.

Well, there you have it, folks. My day in a nutshell.

Posted by wombat at October 7, 2005 01:59 PM