Ah, my poor friends. There is an ebb and flow which you are overlooking.
Let me set things straight...
You contend that women are breaths of fresh air and flower scented airheads. Now, while these qualities can surely be attached to certain women (well... all of them) we must remind ourselves of the most basic of all truths: that women are lesser creatures -- a flaw in our Lord's grand plan.
As certain churches prescribe, the woman is the "weaker vessle," and it takes a man to look after them. Now, with a paucity of strong, knight-like men in medieval Southern New Jersey, it's only natural that the women in our gene pool have become frustrated, annoying cunts.
So, D1RT and Sagien, I ofter you a solution: Pool your collective extremes and find a nice middle ground for which to lay a plan for porking as many women as you need/want.
CUE THE PLAN
I've taken the liberty of constructing a plan for vaginal conquest.
- Whenever a girl you are seeing becomes unbearable (be it through pms, nagging, or general girl-type schizophrenia), stroke her hair, and in a caring voice remind her how happy you were before she came along and ruined your life. It might also be nice of you to mention the "line of women" that are just waiting for you to dump that "disgusting pig of a girlfriend" you have.
- If a girl you are seeing does something nice, it's probably because she had an impure thought about another man, and you have every right to call her on her guilt. And call you will. This will lead to sex.
- Every time you encounter a woman in the food service industry, only tip her if she's really good looking. If she was a cunt, don't tip her at all. Also, make sure you let her know through gestures and verbalization why you only left her your leftover homefries smeared on the curtains as a tip.
- If you make a mistake, deny it. Then turn it around on her. This will make her cry. And making a girl cry is the first step in being dominant. It will lead to years of getting what you want.
- If she invites you to dinner at her family's house, make a point to mutter under your breath how cold everything is. If your lady friend is sitting across from you, smile. While smiling, you should try to touch her pussy with your foot.
- It's important to challenge each other. So, never let her think she's done a good job at anything. This will only make her try harder. If she cries about how she can't try any harder, have sex with her.
- Be nice until you get what you want, then disappear for several days. When she asks where you were (if you decide to return) just give her a look like it's none of her business.
- Tell her you missed her while you were at work today. If she seems unappreciative, break some of her things.
- Women can only be 80% as smart as the smartest man,* thus, unless you are a dullard, you should be able to outsmart them at all times. Use this simple fact to boost your confidence and arrogance.
- Girls love men who are funny. So, make fun of her constantly. And laugh like there's nothing funnier than her losing her job or getting in a car accident.
- Be strong. If sex requires duct tape and rope, so be it.
- "The only safe sex is anal sex." Allowing her to know that you understand this fact will make you appear well-read. Girls like a guy who reads. So, pretend to read all the time.
- Constantly leer at her male friends. Then, forbid her to see them. She'll complain to her male friends and girlfriends that you're a jerk, but, somewhere in her sick little mind, the fact that you keep her in a social prison means you care about her and want her all to yourself. Aww...
- Often, women will get sad for no reason whatsoever. This is because they're wired like retarded droids. You have to be a man in these sitations. Lovingly stroke their hair, make them dinner, and offer to buy them ice cream so they can get fatter and uglier to the point where you'll end up cheating on her.
Well, that's all. I hope you understand that by combining hatred with being a total pussy you becomes both confident and caring. And that's the trick we all must play.
* -- 1996, MIT field study.
Posted by wombat at October 9, 2005 01:58 PMGENIUS!
Posted by: dirt at October 9, 2005 05:43 PMDo you believe this mularky?
Posted by: Mike at October 15, 2005 10:26 AMpost my comment damnit!
Posted by: wtf at October 15, 2005 10:27 AM