wombat

How To Pick Up A Friend At The Airport

Apparently, it snows a lot in Denver. I had been watching on the news (well, okay, I don't really watch the news so much as just-happen-to-catch the news from time to time) and saw the mire that was the Denver International Airport. Since there was no hotel, people were camped out, flights delayed until two days after Xmas.

Shftleft called me: "Everything is fine. Our flight isn't delayed."

Bitchin.'

Somehow, amongst the hundreds (thousands?) of people whos holidays were going to be crushed, Shft and Blacjax were able to come through unscathed.

Rachel and I wake at 4a.m. and leave. (We are totally troopers, and I was excited to see Shft... and Blacjax, too, I guess. She's okay.)

"We should make one of those signs," I say to her, through a yawn.
"What signs?"
"The ones like... Like in the Seinfeld episode." She looks at me oddly. "The one with 'O'Brian."
"Ohhh... The limo driver thing? The Nazi?"
"Yeah...."
"But, he knows we're coming."
I roll my eyes and sahke my head. "So?" I say, "It'll be funny."
"Well, we can get the stuff you need at CVS on the way."
"Awesome."
"What will the sign say?"
I smile.

CUT TO:

Short-term parking. Rachel is suddenly feeling kinda sick.

"Why?"
"I think it's the Indian food," she says.

Ignoring her completely after a feigned "aww," (I mean, really, I had more important things to worry about) I take the elongated piece of posterboard and the black marker and make the sign.

"Do you think people will be offended?"
"I dunno," she said, hastily (but smiling none the less). "Come on, I have to go to the bathroom."

I guess she had to puke. Pfft. Girls. Always totally missing the point.

Inside we check the big TVs: Frontier Flight 422 -- On Time.

"Isn't here yet," she says and scampers off to the bathroom.

And I wait. The area is empty except for some cute hippie girl who looks lost. She glances down at my sign and laughs. I suppose she could have been looking at my penis, but, I'll give myself the benefit of the doubt and attribute the giggle to my wit. She totally wants me, I think. She'd prolly wanna listen to Phish, though. Ugh. I don't think I could handle that. She walks away. She has a pretty nice ass. Well, maybe I could handle it.

CUT TO:

Pat calls. The plane is just arriving. We go up the escalator to the arrivals and stand at the end of the long hall. I hold up the sign. Rachel hides her face. People pass by. And pass by. More and more. A few guys my age walk by. They laugh at the sign. Awesome. My target audience is pleased. Rachel is perhaps a little embarassed, perhaps wanting to tell me to stop, but so overcome by my complete lack of humility that she is in totally awe.

I spot some little kids in the crowd and turn to face the wall. I don't want anyone to yell at me -- you know, parents and such. Once they pass, I repost myself by the big bush near the windows. Again, I hold up the sign. I try to pick Pat out of the crowd. It's starting to get difficult to maintain a straight face. I'm starting to feel a little embarassed... Well, not embarassed. But, slightly uncomfortable. You never know how people will react. You see a sign, and naturally you read it. Clearly it was an inside joke, but... Do we really have any inside jokes that aren't potentially offensive to outsiders? Of course not, because we're better than most people. And that's why they're outsiders.

"There he is."

I hold up the sign, this time a bit higher and out a little. I try to keep a straight face. When they get to about 30 yards away from Rachel and I, I see them laughing. They approach and it's hugs all around.

"Like the sign?" I ask.

I get the Shftleft nod of approval, and it's off to the baggage claim. As we are walking (the sign now rolled up and at my side), a gentleman is coming in our direction. He smiles. Then he looks at me, and points to Shft.

"Is that Shitbrain?" he asks.
"That's him," I say. "That's Shitbrain."

And that's how I know it was worth it. (Queue 'Reading Rainbow' segment change jingle.)

Posted by wombat at December 23, 2006 03:21 PM