wombat

GOY!!!

It's been a long time coming. But, the decision has been made.

If we look back over the year at who has achieved such a calibur of gaytardedness to have a graph posted citing the fluxuations in his/her social graces and sexual activitiy, we had a lot to consider...

...there were many to choose from...

...many good showings...

...many worthy of the coveted white elephant that is GOY...

...and, yet, there can only be one...

...so, how did we make this decision?

...how could we possibly narrow it down?

...some people thought (I'm sure) that it would never come...

...that the announcement would never be made.

...but, as I sat here, it hit me...

..."he's perfect," I thought...

...he has all the wonderful qualities of a GOY...

...and over the years, these qualities have gone quite unnoticed...

...social idiocy masked...

...by an overly-masculine temperment...

...by fury at the siliest of things...

...by humor...

...by sex...

...by girlfriend after girlfriend...

...and by glorious...

...golden...

...brown...

...skin.

Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Gaytard of the Year '04...

sagien.

congratulations.

A very tight race.

This year's GOY contest is unbelievably close. Let's take a look at the standings.

I give you... the graphs!

Here we see sagien...

He could have tried harder, but, he's just not the type of material we're looking for. Everyone makes mistakes, as we can see by the peak in his graph, but, a true gaytard would have rode that momentum like Ben-Hur.

~*~

clarus...

pitiful. very pitiful.

~*~

and mincus...

a once great gaytard fizzling out. how can he ever be back on top? well, i think we all know the answer to that one.

~*~

and dana...

it's a good thing he's got that girlfriend.

~*~

and VD...

a good candidate here. he's also dumb as a post, not exactly a retard, but, dumb is good, too. so far, the average of his peaks outweigh the above candidates. but, it's not all about the graphs.

~*~

rob...

E = ., H = ...., I = .., S = ..., 5 = .....
we can almost spell "shit" thanks to rob's lessons.

~*~

myself (wombat)...

am I the best candidate? i like to think there would be riots if I won. people would think it was rigged.

~*~

lauren joseph...

tsch. as if a girl would really win. gimme a break. also, lauren, if you're free this weekend...

~*~

and here are two guys that haven't offically received a nod as of yet, but, they're deserving of a nod, none-the-less. hence, these are unsolicited graphs, by myself, to try and draw out two more nods.

~*~

kozemp...

~*~

and animplodingvoice...

as you can see, these fellas are well deserving of nods.

~

OK, well, the nominations close next week. We will widdle down these ten to 5 and then 3.

Good luck!

~Wombat, CEO Gaytard Magazing (Quarterly), Chairman GOY

Gaytard Interview!!

mincus: hi, im here with Jeff Payne, the founder of GoY.

Jeff, did you ever envision GoY becoming the sensation that it’s become?
wombat: Actually, yes. Yes, I did.
wombat: And, actually, I'm the CEO
wombat: (we can fix that later)
wombat: *ahem*
wombat: ...is that it?
mincus: lol

In the fall of 2004, as the race for Gaytard of the Year '03 began, I sat down with Jeff to discuss the rise in popularity of Gaytard Magazine, it's conception, and what direction Jeff was planning to take the magazine. We spoke candidly, as old friends might, sipping wine and cracking jokes about homosexuality, fucking each other's mother's, sex with siblings, and other things that have been omitted from the following transcription. What remains is a skeleton of a man's dream, just the bare bones of his vision, untainted by awkward pauses and side-bar conversations. Even my probings into the future of my own gaytarded status proved to be enlightening and enriching and his answers stand here as a conduit into his unique ideas on the subject of web-only magazine publication.

It was ten in the morning when we began the interview.

mincus: in 2002, you made the jump from a print-only format to a web-only format, how did your readers take that?

wombat: What?

mincus: what?

(pause)

wombat: Next question.

mincus: Alright... what does GoY look for in its gaytards?

wombat: Well, it’s a funny process, because being a gaytard is so mutable. It's a living thing, and it cannot exist within a set of standards. It changes as we change. So every year I have to kinda, you know... feel it out. Certain things, however, maintain a constant. Such as how much sex a certain candidate has been having -- which is a huge factor. Too much sex and you could blow your chances. Uh... Let's see. I dunno. There's just a generalized feeling of gaytardedness that must envelop the winner. So... You know. Like I said, I just feel it out.

mincus: last year, GoY was marred in controversy as Mincus was chosen for GoY again. Are we going to see a 4-peat?

wombat: I don't think it'd be fair to speculate for obvious reasons. Anything that I say on the subject could be considered inside information, and, well, it's much too early in the race. As for a four-peat? Well, that'd be something. It'd be something for the record books. [Laughs.] Why? Feeling hopeful?

mincus: I dunno, three years in a row...

wombat: [Laughs] We'll have to see. However, I'd have to say this: my charts indicate you've had a surge of sexual activity...

mincus: hmm...

wombat: Care to comment?

mincus: Well, I...

wombat: Not exactly the kinda thing we're lookin' for, is it?

(pause)

mincus: Let's move on.

wombat: Yes. Let's.

mincus: some critics have said GoY has gotten stale over the years, any changes in line for this year?

wombat: We toyed with the idea of a GoY centerfold collage, but, that just wasn't working out. There's gaytarded, and then there's just stupid. Collages are just stupid. I think we might try to tackle more political issues this year from the perspective of gaytards and the like. How would a gaytard vote? You know? But, that's really just a minor change. So, I'd have to say, I think the biggest idea, the biggest change, came when I had the idea for a female-slanted Gaytard magazine. At first we had trouble with titles. Bitchtard, Cunttard, uh... Miss Gaytard, Retarded Bitch, Invisible Funk Tard... but nothing was working out, ya know? Playtard. Then I thought, why not just allow women into the running? So, this year, and for years to come, women will be eligible. I figure why not? Women can vote and drive cars and chop celery, why can't they be Gaytards?

mincus: Can you give us a hint as to whom the leading candidate is for this year?

wombat: Nah. Sorry. Like I said, that'd be premature. We have a good bunch of nods this year, though, I can tell you that. A good bunch of guys.

mincus: Ah, ah... and women.

wombat: Yes. Women too.

mincus: I want to thank Jeff for taking time out of his busy schedule for this interview, and stay gaytarded america.

wombat: Umm... never say that again.

mincus: lol. why?

wombat: because it was stupid.

GMQ.

~fin~

GAYTARD '03

Yes, it's that time of year again...

It's time for the annual Gaytard of the Year contest. Who amongst us will be the next mincus?

Start nominating people you know, maybe even yourself. This years prize is a Ferrari. Well, a t-shirt with a Ferrari on it.

OK, the t-shirt is blank and costs 3 dollars.

But, it's the glory we are all after. So, send in your nominations and press kits. We at Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly) are highly anticipating your participation.

Good luck.

"I've never been more proud." -- mincus on his GOY three-peat.

Cage Match!

It appears we have found a rivalry...

Since ninjamonkeygeek and animplodingvoice are at each others throat for the GOY contest for 2004, both determined to beat out Mincus next year, rather than have GOY '04 based soley on social phobia and/or lack of sex, it will be based on the following events:

Dec. 26th -- Post X-mas fisticuffs. Challenges will be accepted and sanctioned by Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly). We will be putting two contestants in a cage, and watching them fight. A panel of judges (including mincus and myself) will be there to see who fights like the biggest gaytard. Note: scratching and arm-flailing does not make you a gaytard, it makes you a moron.

Feb. 20th -- Gaytard BATTLE ROYALE! All those who believe they are in contention for GOY '04 will duke it out in this 'King of the Mountain' event, whereby, the person left on top after 3 hours, will receive the most points. Also, points are awarded to the person who holds the mountain the longest.

Apr. 3rd -- Dixie Cup Challenge! Who takes the longest to fill a dixie cup with their own load. Since this could take a while, beer will be served to spectators.

More events are sure to come...

The Time has Come...

Ladies and Gentlemen... Prepare yourselves for what will no doubt be the most anti-climatic event in recent history.

I give you, the Gaytard of the Year for 2003...

mincus

I have no graphs for this. Instead, I leave you only with your memories of a long and arduous campaign of gaytardedness executed by mincus. Remember the time [mincus did something gaytarded]?

Remember it all, for it was these actions/events that put him ahead. (Well. That, and I think Rob died.)

Throw your heads back and laugh in slow-motion.

Quiz: How Gaytarded Are You?

Well, as this years’ Gaytard of the Year contest draws closer and closer, I thought, what can I do keep people interested? The answer was quite simple, you see.

How gaytarded are you?

Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly) Presents…

THE “HOW GAYTARDED ARE YOU?” QUIZ!

The Questions:
(Note: please keep track of your answers on a separate sheet of paper.)

1) You’re at the mall shopping with your mom for new pants, you:

a) Borrow money and go to totally bitchin’ stores like Pac Sun, and The Gap by yourself.
b) Let her feel around your crotch for room.
c) Check out the cleavage of the HighSchool girls on the first floor.
d) You don’t go shopping with your mom.

2) When you have sex, you:

a) Perform well until you realize you’re having sex. Then, it’s just a matter of seconds before that disappointed look creeps across the girls face.
b) You don’t really have sex, and never will.
c) Find yourself pleading to the girl to let you try again.
d) Close your eyes to forget that you’re actually only jerking-off.

3) When you and a friend are confronted with a pretty girl asking for directions, you:

a) Stutter over your words and fuck it up regardless of having lived in the area for 20+ years.
b) Tell the girl how stupid your friend is.
c) Give her flawless directions and *snap* your fingers in triumph as she walks away and out of your life forever.
d) Point a lot so she looks around, and while she’s not paying attention, look at her boobs.

4) If a female telemarketer calls you, trying to sell you a new long distance plan, you:

a) Ask her out.
b) Say, “Uh-huh,” a lot, then tell her your call-waiting is beeping, and then hang up.
c) Change your phone plan because you’re sure that she really likes you.
d) Jerk-off to the sound of her voice.

5) There’s a pretty girl in a bookstore you would like to talk to. You are with a friend. You:

a) Talk to her like it’s no big deal.
b) Start to sweat, think about what to say, but never actually make an approach, all the while asking your friend what you should say.
c) When in earshot of the girl, you make fun of your friend’s obesity in hopes of harnessing some sort of mutual hatred of ugly people.
d) End up without the girl’s phone number, and therefore, drunk on Caucasians 20 minutes after you get home.

6) When you and your roommate get into a fight with packing tape, ending up taped together and struggling to breathe, you:

a) Use the opportunity to write some really good “gay” material.
b) Find a knife and cut yourselves apart.
c) Fuck it. You’re tired. Take a nap – you’ll cut yourselves free later.
d) Spit in each others faces until one of you cries.

7) A girl has just walked up to you and asked you for a light. You:

a) Tell her you think you saw someone else with a lighter.
b) Pull a book of matches out of your pocket and light your shirt on fire.
c) Stare at her until she walks away.
d) Light her cigarette, then coyly tell her she’ll be dead in six years from smoking so much.

8) A girl has a flat tire on the side of the road. She’s really fat. You:

a) Help her.
b) Keep driving
c) Keep driving.
d) Eat it John Wally.

9) There’s a girl you’ve been obsessing about at work. You:

a) Keep obsessing.
b) Ask her to lunch.
c) Mention that the French refer to the orgasm as La Petit Mort, or, “the little death.”
d) Just try not to fart when she’s standing behind you at the water cooler.

And, in the spirit of the season: (We are, after all, a nationally syndicated press)

10) It’s Halloween. You are in your mid-twenties. You go as:

a) Harry Potter.
b) A pirate.
c) Conan the Barbarian
d) A member of Kiss.

Let’s see how you did!
(Note: Each answer has a different point value for each question, so I hope you were keeping track! If not, go back and do it again. Idiot.)

The Answers:

#1
A – 1 – Though you abandon your poor mother, you still went to the mall with her.
B – 3 – Part of being a Gaytard is getting cheap feels from you mom.
C – 5 – Another part of being a Gaytard, is being a pervert and pretending you’re not.
D – 0 – Sorry.

#2
A – 1 – Though a moron about it, you’re still having sex.
B – 5 – The tried and true mark of the gaytard: Virginity. Regardless of how much sex you should be having, you’re still not.
C – 3 – Hmm. Kinda pathetic. And, well, that’s very important.
D – 0 – This is just stupid. No one does this.

#3
A – 5 – Total Gaytard move here. Good job.
B – 3 – Some people try to make themselves not look gaytarded by putting down their friends. Doesn’t work.
C – 2 – Though you spoke clearly, did you get her name? Probably not.
D – 1 – A classic move, and almost too awesome to make you a gaytard.

#4
A – 3 – Assuming you ask her out for the sake of humor…
B – 1 – This move is too money for gaytards.
C – 5 – Gaytards can’t resist feminine wiles.
D – 1 – Total pervert move here.

5#
A – 0 – Gaytards don’t do this.
B – 5 – This is the gaytard in all of us. Well, mincus anyway. But, that’s how you end up cover boy for four years.
C – 2 – This is a total dick move. Also, it requires a level of comfort that most gaytards don’t possess. However, it’s kinda pathetic. And that’s always important.
D – 4 – Pretty good level of gaytardedness here.

#6
A – 3 – Pretty good answer here, but, perspective isn’t good for a gaytard.
B – 1 – Not gay enough.
C – 5 – Totally gay. Totally lazy. This is the best answer.
D – 3 – Funny, but, not totally gaytarded.

#7
A – 4 – Naivety is key being a good gaytard.
B – 3 – Stupid, yes. Gaytarded? Maybe.
C – 5 – This is the perfect response.
D – 1 – Too “cool guy” for a gaytard.

#8
A – 3 – Even though the girl is fat, it’s still nice to help people. And being nice is for suckers. And gaytards.
B – 1 – It’s totally cool to ignore fat chicks. But, you still noticed her.
C – 3 – It took you to the second mentioning of this option to take it. Total gaytard.
D – 0 – It’s far too money to tell John Wally to ‘eat it’ to garner any points.

#9
A – 5 – The gaytard would rather wonder and obsess than actually do anything about anything. Ever.
B – 0 – I think not!
C – 2 – Smooth, I think , would describe this. It taps into a woman’s sexual desires.
D – 5 – Also, a good amount of gaytardedness in this option.

#10
A – 2 – Gay, but, not gaytarded.
B – 5 – Totally gaytarded. Pirates were the first gaytards.
C – 1 – Conan was too kickass to be a gaytard. But, it’s still a costume. And participating in things is gay.
D – 4 – These guys, although having the right idea about songs and songwriting, were really really gaytarded. I mean, come on. Face paint?

How’d you do?

Tally up your score and use the following chart to determine your degree of gaytardedness.

1 – 10 – An asshole, maybe. But, not a gaytard. Better luck next year.
11 – 20 – Better, but, you still have too many redeeming social qualities that keep you from your full gaytarded potential.
21 – 30 – You are the average gaytard. A few quirks here and there, but, still nothing impressive.
31 – 40 – Above average Gaytard. You probably haven’t had sex in a while, but, you’ve probably have had you hand in some pies, regardless. You’ve found your nitch in the world of women, and therefore, know tricks to getting laid. Still, you’ll probably never shake the feeling of chicks hating you.
41-49 – You are what all Gaytards strive to be. You probably never have sex, obsess about everything, memorize word lists, indulge completely into whatever thing you happen to be interested in at the moment (i.e. Rubic’s cube, scrabble, Woody Allen movies, geometry, etc.)
50 – You are the perfect Gaytard. You have never had sex. And you never, ever will. Girls probably think you’re cute, but, you’re too dumb to realize it. ~fin~

DISCLAIMER: For entertainment purposes only. Getting a high score/perfect score does not necessarily make you a valid candidate for GOY. No quiz can determine an actual level of gaytardedness. Only employees of Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly), its associates, derivatives, and subsidiaries can make such judgements. While certain aspects of your personality might make you a moron, or an idiot, or a flat out asshole, they do not necessarily make you a gaytard.

…When Gaytards Ruled the Earth

Tough to admit, but, Gaytard Magazine (Quaterly) was not always popular. In fact, the first few issues – the whole first year, in fact – was a huge disappointment. Yet, it is with great pride, that I now show some of the first year’s covers, and then, the Fall ’01 Issue (with some content highlights) when we began to make it big.

Here you can see our very first issue -- Winter '00. We didn’t really know how to put together a magazine. A nice idea, though.

This is also a nice attempt -- the Summer '00 issue. However, it falls grossly short of being impressive.

The Fall '01 issue was the first issue that had advertisements outside of the local merchants we were accustomed to (i.e. Cox Carpet Mill Outlet, and Almo Pools, and Porky’s BBQ Pit). We were still not hitting home, however, with good quizzes.

Here's the cover:

Also in the Fall '01 issue was this painting by Cliff Warhol.
It is titled: Shades of Gaytard in Bucket Hat

And finally, the back inside cover of the Fall '01 issue, this was the ad that let us know we had our very own demographic of readers.

Yes. Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly) had begun to leave it's mark.

The Race is On for Gaytard of the Year

People often want to know how we at Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly) determine who will win the coveted GOY award. Well, let me tell you: it's an arduous process, examining each contestant's performance throughout the previous year: which things they did to make them gaytarded, have they had sex?, do they even talk to girls?, and above all, which one simply seems like the biggest gaytard. We feel it out. We breach beyond the surface of each gaytard and examine their very core. What motivates them? What hurts them? Why are they gaytarded at all? It's a contest about feelings.

But, first, we start with graphs...

I have taken the liberty of ranking the contestants from 5 (least likely to win) to 1 (most likely to win).

5) ClarusTNB

4) Animplodingvoice

3) Wombat

2) Mincus

1) Rob

IMPORTANT NOTE:
I think that mincus should not have such a high ranking. However, he has been campaigning for himself as GOY since the contest began. This conversation with mincus took place moments after I told him that I foresaw him being dethroned as GOY:

mincus c03: but its for gaytard of the year!
mincus c03: for almost the whole year
mincus c03: that was me!
FinalDraftX: its for next year
mincus c03: no one even came close!
FinalDraftX: its for the 2004 gaytard
mincus c03: you cant pre-emptively name someone gaytard of the year
mincus c03: that doesnt make sense at all
FinalDraftX: no, he gets next year, based on 2003's performance
mincus c03: right, and im saying
mincus c03: that based on 2003
mincus c03: im gaytard of the year
FinalDraftX: ill make some graphs

It is for this reason, that he is currently ranked #2. Despite him having a girlfriend, and regular sex, his inability to let go has shot him back to the top. Good job, buddy. But, the race isn’t over.

Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly)

As Editor-in-Chief and Founder of Gaytard Magazine (Quarterly), I am pleased to announce this years candidates for… GAYTARD OF THE YEAR!

This is last years summer issue with long-time Gaytard of the Year, mincus. Look at how proud he is to be emblazoned across the front of the page for the 12th time in a row.

This is a picture of this season’s cover. Who will win?

The candidates are as follows:

mincus – I mean, why mess with perfection? He had a good shot this year, but, then he went and fucked it up. I won’t say how. Okay, yes I will: He had sex. There, I said it. That’s why it was revoked! Gaytards don’t have sex! They don’t even have girlfriends! Or talk to girls! You broke a major rule of engagement! You went below the hard-deck! Ah, Christ. FOUR YEARS! RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN! Eh, whatever.

animplodingvoice – a really sweet guy. And as we all know, sweet guys don’t get laid. A perfect candidate. I almost want to give him his own advice column in the magazine. Plus, girls think he’s gay. So, that’s major points for him.

wombat (Finaldraftx) – I like to nominate myself every year for the hell of it. I never win though, because, well, I have sex. And as fundamentally unjust as it is that I’ve had sex and mincus has not – well, that used to be true… See! This years contest is all screwed up. You don’t fuck with things, mincus! You’re meddled with the space/time continuum. You took something precious like Gaytard of the Year and turned it into a sleaze contest. Or something.

clarusTNB – as far as I know, this guy has sex. But, he’s still kinda gaytarded. And, really, that’s what it comes down to in the end.

If there are any other nominations, please feel free to comment. The contest will go on until the end of November. Also, I will need a picture of the person to stick on the magazine. You can send the pictures to...

Largemanx@hotmail.com

Also, don’t forget about naming my band. Keep ‘em comin.’