wombat

'Oprah Effect' Helps Obama, Ghetto Poets

CHICAGO -- "It's important that the American people recognize and embrace not only the historic move forward that is embodied by Barack Obama, both socially and politically, but also the book 'Smoking Hash: Mama, Am I Ghetto Trash?' by poet Tutu Shablik Jackson," said Oprah.

Polls taken at the close of Oprah's June 5th show which showcased both the Senator and poet showed a surge in Obama support amongst dumb white women and a rise in sales of poetry books written by disenfranchised blacks.

However, some polled claimed to be impervious to Oprah's influence. "I watch the show, yeah, but I don't base my opinions and lifestyle on the things Oprah says," said Deborah LaLange, a dumb white woman, as she adjusted her bright orange blouse and tribal-patterned skirt. "I'm not a zombie," she added.

Breaking back from the first commercial showed an audience of dumb white women in thunderous applause as Senator Obama finished reading aloud an exerpt from Jackson's book.

"I think he's just fabulous," said one dumb white woman of the poet. "I totally understand black people." When asked if she would recommend Jackson's book to friends she came back with an unwavering, "Yes. Oh, yes. They both get my vote."

Both the Senator and poet were unavailable for comment.

- A.P.

WOMBAT ON SLEEP MARATHON!

Local insomniacs to picket.

Continued on page B6

Northfield, NJ -- Local 27 year old, Wombat, fell asleep at approximately 6:30 in the evening last night only to wake up at a little past midnight.

"Yeah, I made myself a fluffernutter and played a sitn'go online. I didn't win."

At this point, Wombat went back to bed where he laid for about 20 minutes, tossing, because he made himself anxious about girls and money.

"It happens, and I don't know how I calmed myself enough to fall back to sleep."

But, sleep he did. After the anxiety subsided, he fell asleep and didn't wake up until 930 the next morning.

We asked Josh Francis, leader of the local Insomniacs Society (chapter 52), what he thought of this.

"It's a real blow to our cause. I mean, he was the best. Going for weeks without sleep. Constantly groggy. Dull wit. It's a shock. It's just a shock." When asked if they felt happy for him: "Hell no. He's out of the club, er, uh, you know... Society."

The IS plans on picketing outside of Wombat's house tonight.

"That's fine," says Wombat. "I don't live there anymore."

~A.P.

TWO ASSHOLES MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT EACH OTHER, OTHER ASSHOLES

SOUTH JERSEY, NJ -- The internet today sidestepped its nomal M.O. of kindness and information exchange to make room for being rude and idiotic.

The self-proclaimed "Sun God" Sagien ripped verbally into a rather easy target today in what is being hailed as "the most dramatic grapple between two retards ever witnessed" by MSNBC.

"He just had it coming," claims Sagien.

Witnesses -- er, "readers," that is -- has a slew of comments ranging from "Dude, homeboy is retarded, step off," to "Very well put."

Winfield's statement -- a stammering flood of banalities -- could not be transcribed into a cohesive thought, so, the following conversation was fabricated by eye-witness accounts of past stupidity.

winfield: yeah, okay, [sagien]...
sagien: you're still in high school.
winfield: oh, okay, [sagien]
sagien: seriously, dude...
winfied: oh, okay [sagien]
sagien: whatever.

[long pause]

sagien: you still there?
winfield: oh, okay, [sagien]...

(*note: all periods in the form of melodramatically spastic elipses have been deleted for ease of reading.)

Sagien was quoted as saying "It was a much happier place, this internet, yesterday. I wish we could all go back there. But, some people refuse to grow up." He took a drag on his cigarette and capped off with, "I think we know who I mean..."

Eventually, Winfield calmed enough to say "Fuck, I don't care. I really don't. Fuck it, man. The internets is gay anyway."

--A.P.

INDIE-POP ICONS TO CHANGE NAME

NEW YORK, NY -- In a press conference, wherein resides a forever dropping fanbase of Chuck Taylor All-Star-wearing hipsters, Rivers Cuomo, front man and songwriter for the idie-pop quartet Weezer announced that he would be changing the name of the band.

"We will no longer be known as 'Weezer'," he said. "Henceforth we will be known as 'Shitty Weezer.'"

Flashes exploded as Rivers immediately fled the podium. Drummer Pat Wilson, the only person in the room to clap for the announcement, took the podium to defend his long-time bandmade.

"Henceforth?" asked the first reporter. "What's that about?"
"The name?" answered Pat Wilson.
"I mean, like... Why'd he say it like that?"
"You know what the word means, right?"
"Yeah, but..."
"Next!"

When asked why the addition of such a derogatory prefix to their name, Wilson said "It's about removing a quasi-positive stigma that has been attached to us since Pinkerton [the bands 2nd album, well recieved by their biggest fans] that has, over the years, turned sour. It seems all we do is dissappoint our fans now. It's kind of like admitting that we're bad at being ourselves anymore."

Several other questions were asked with the monotone response "No comment."

"You really don't have a comment?"
"Well, I dunno. I just thought it would be funny to say."
"Has Rivers lost his mind?"
"I dunno. No comment."
The reporter laughed and sat down. "Ok," she said.
"No, I meant that," said Wilson. "I really would rather not comment on that one."

-- Associated Press

tsunami causes changes in weather, vernacular

Newark, NJ -- The scientific community at MIT have taken readings in Earth's motion that determine that we are, in fact, "wobbling" after the tsunami that struck several months ago.

"We've always wobbled," said Dr. Johnston Kjell of MIT. "The problem now is that we're wobbing more, causing a greater fluxuation in weather."

The reading concluded that spring will feel more like winter almost through May, and eventually warming up to summer temperatures come mid-June.

But, the bigger find, althoug somewhat connected, was by Dr. Edward Feshing of Newark, NJ, in a study of demographic psychology.

"The collective unconscious works strangely," he said. "It's hard to determine changes without a broad study. It can get very expensive, but, I think we found something interesting."

In a field study conducted by 80 scientists, each infiltrating a clique (or group of peers), a very odd discovery was made.

"It seems it's no longer cool to say 'cool' anymore," concluded Dr. Feshing. "In the past year it's only cool to say 'hot.' We believe this is directly related to the weather remaining cold. All evidence points to this shift in vernacular being a subconscious yearning for the seasonal changes to return."

Harvey Glib, one of the field scientists, and 23 years old, had this to say:

"Some chick came up to me in Philly and pointed at my red shoe laces and was like 'Yo, that's hot,' yet, the girls in, say, California didn't talk like that. They still say 'cool.' Which makes sense, because it's never cold in California. Not how it is in Philly, anyway. It was totally sweet."

Mr. Glib is from Ontario.

Smoke is white; Pope is... also white.

In a never ending quest by Earth's Caucasian citizens to jilt the black man, another dumb white pope was elected today -- Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany.

"Dear brothers and sisters," said the new Pope to his fans, "after the great Pope John Paul II, the cardinals have elected me - a simple, humble worker in the vineyard of the Lord."

While the other white candidates clapped with suppressed disdain, Francis Arinze of Nigeria had this to say, walking back and forth, angrily pointing at the ground with each statement:

"This is complete bullshit, man. Complete bullshit. I worked my fuckin' ass off and this is what I got to show for it? Man... fuck that." He looked off and shook his head, then, finished with a very hushed "Fuckin' bullshit, man."

In the wake of Francis Arinze's outbursts, the new pope made it his first duty to "put that coon in his place," and had him shackled and lashed for speaking out against his beloved deity. When challenged by a member of the press that such actions (not to mention vernacular) isn't God's way, New Pope Joseph Ratzinger pointed his finger at the reporter and recited an ancient incantation (which was in Latin, and apparently tattooed on his left forearm), at which point a column of flames fell straight from the sky (though, some sources claim"heaven") and incinerated the poor man.

The crowd gasped for a moment, then silence fell. After five minutes, the Pope raised his arms as if to say "Eat. Please. Eat." And everyone, again, began cheering for their new Proxy.

~Associated Press.

LUCAS CHANGES TITLE

"It just makes more sense," says Lucas.

SKYWALKER RANCH -- In a press conference held today on Skywalker Ranch, George Lucas, CEO of Lucasfilm Ltd., announced that he would be re-titleing the release of the upcoming final StarWars picture.

"It just makes more sense this way," says Lucas. "Even though filmmaking is an art form, we still have to remain competetive."

Earlier this summer Lucas had announced that Episode III would be sub-titled "Revenge of the Sith."

"But, that just wasn't working. We weren't getting the numbers we needed."

After fielding more questions seeking reasons for the change, he announced the new title.

"It will now be known as 'StarWars Episode III: Return of the King'."

Gasps and "Oh, brother's" could be heard coming from the crowd. One reporter even comment "Tsch. Jesus Christ."

Then, he revealed the new poster.

When confronted with the notion that the poster didn't reflect the title change, and that it was clear that he had become self-indulgent, Mr. Lucas countered with "Are YOU George Lucas?" He then held up two middle fingers, quoting "May the force be with you bastards."

He then spoke into an imaginary intercom, apparently attached to his lapel, and said "Release the whomp rats." Then, we were told by an associate to get off the property "before Mr. Lucas became angry and used his magic." The associate was reading off an index card that had just been handed to him.

This is truely a tragic end to a once great movie franchise, and a set of what once was, a classic trilogy.

Mysterious Tremors

SOMERS POINT, NJ -- A tremor was felt last night by natives of Somers Point, NJ, lasting approximately 45 minutes. Witness say it was between the time of 10:15 pm and 11pm.

"I was just getting a hotdog," said Marcus Wayne. "I was at the Wawa there, and the next thing I knew, my asshole was bleeding. But, it didn't hurt. (laughs) Seriously. You would think something like that would be unpleasant, but, this time it was, I dunno... almost uplifting."

The source of the mysterious tremor seemed to be the local pub "Schooners."

We arrived at around midnight to ask some of the people in the bar what happened.

"Dude, I don't even fuckin' know," said Lou Vaag. "We were sitting here, and then this band got up on stage... 45 minutes later, everyone was fuckin' dead. Like, no one could even walk. I don't know what happened."

One of the women at the bar said, "I blacked out from orgasm. I don't know what sort of energy surged through this place -- I think I remember reading something about power lines when I was a kid, being too low, maybe? -- But, whatever it was... I hope it happens again. I feel bad for the guys in the band. I was too busy having orgasm upon orgasm to actually hear them. I think they were good, though. I guess. I'm a little tired if you know what I mean."

Retail Not Satisfying for Anyone

NORTHFIELD, NJ -- In a series of related stories regarding the events of Dec. 17, I have decided to pentrate the fortress of retail, and explore the motivations behind getting a job in the industry.

At first the place seemed jovial, almost silly. People were cracking jokes, and even singing! But, as the day drew onward, the ability to tolerate puns and inuendo dissolved.

Said one employee, Sarah, 25: "I'm ready to fucking kill myself. I wanna die. If I hear one more joke about how I have a giant head or how one of my eyes doesn't open all the way, I'm gonna go out back and drown myself in a puddle."

Other employees claimed that it's "just a job," while one said, "I'm not fit to do anything else, and the people aren't so bad." These two 'positive' responses aside, I dug farther into the core of operation, and once again came across Jeff Awesome. This time he was in the back room opening boxes.

I asked him what was his reason for working in the business.

"Because I'm a fucking retard," he said. "I have nothing else to do and I'm trapped. If you wanna help me, you can knock this shelf over onto me so I can go home early."

The shelf he was refering to streched an estimated 25 feet to the ceiling.

He added, "If I was smart, I'd have gone to college, but, let me remind you: I'm a fucking retard. Why don't you make yourself useful and find me some bitch I can fuck in the darkroom."

I asked the manager, Coleman, if he considered retail a dangerous work environment as far as mental health goes.

"Oh, I'm not surprised at all the suicide rate. It makes perfect sense. I keep a Glock-9 in my drawer." He giggled and said, "Nah, I'm kidding."

By the end of the day, the store looked completely different. At first, the floors were clean, the trash cans were empty, people were smiling and full of vim and vigor. But, at the end, a mere ten hours later, the store was a mess, and the energy had dropped considerably. When the first shift was over, the people leaving at 5 o'clock left with no remorse, leaving behind glassey eyes that hoped one day THEY would get to leave at a decent time.

On his way out the door, Coleman asked Jeff to clean up before he closed the store. When thirty minutes or so rolled by, and he still had made no move to empty the trash cans, I asked him why.

"Fuck it. Someone'll get it in the morning. I ain't doin' shit. I got egg nog at home."

~wombat

Employee Morale at all time low

NORTHFIELD, NJ -- Employee morale plummeted today at the Northfield MotoPhoto in New Jersey when owner/manager Denny Coleman refused replenishment of HonorBar snacks.

Said Coleman: "I'm not going to be stuck paying the difference for shortages in that box. I shouldn't have to take up the slack for dishonest people."

While the details of the refusal are sketchy, we can tell you this: The last box was over 15 dollars short, and in the past, the shortage had gone as high as 17.50. Mr. Coleman has no plans for how to keep his employees fed and happy in the future. "They're slaves, not lab rats -- I don't have to feed them," he said.

The HonorBar box is refered to as the "Free Food Box" by certain employees.

Linda Gaekel, the girl who runs the HonorBar network throughout the area said, "I've gotten shortages before. It's not a big deal. But, fifteen dollars? I would have said something anyway. I can't get screwed like that."

One of the employees of that MotoPhoto, Jeff Awesome, had this to say: "I dunno, the [HonorBar] has been back there for a while now, and I've never put a dime into it. Why it's a big deal all of a sudden is fucking ridiculous." He shook his head for a moment and said, "I dunno, this sucks, I'm looking for a new job."

~wombat